This Time I'm Really Going To Do It

KajiKita

I think Karmacat is right and it’s about the fact that YOU now have control, not someone else. 

My ex was forever spending my money, or committing me to some spend, or dragging me into something where I had to pay half because it was ‘for the house’ …. It was only when my debts got to more than my gross annual income that I started saying ‘No’ and started to make some headway on my debts. 

When I left him I was absolutely brassic - wrote off my car and had to buy another at short notice, still wasn’t earning much and in lots of debt, but like you I felt ‘better off’ because I was making small steps forward and no one was in the background (who I was expecting, believing, hoping was supportive of me) constantly undermining my ambitions and hopes. I remember him telling me after I left him that he had wanted to start having children with me and he just assumed that my parents would pay off my debt at that point! The sheer arrogance of that knocked me off my feet, even after having left him … 😉

KK

Suffolk_lass

You have actually done really well to be mortgage free in the current climate and so you have that security of outright ownership behind you. Savings for the future could be treated as though they are a mortgage, with that sort of commitment to restore these if you set up a standing order to take that money each month and put it in to your savings pots. They will soon recover and you will have the benefit of the interest working the other way around, accruing in your favour and compounding over time.

I'm so pleased you have come to this way of thinking. It does not mean he won't get in your head again, from time to time, but the financial damage is behind you and you are accumulating wealth again x

daisy_1571

Everyone is saying the same things I was thinking too.  Im veryvery happy for your peaceful mind and warm contented glow

Daisy xxxxx

LadyWithAPlan

Glad you are in a good headspace and can feel the peace in your life and home again. I am with you on feeling lucky especially when I see what’s going on in the world and also manage struggling with the bills 

Does this mean you have no mortgage at all? This is amazing if so - then the next plan no doubt is get savings and pension back up whilst keeping home maintained etc  / i am sure you will do brilliantly 

we love VNM doing the fences - he sounds a lovely supportive human being - pleased you have him in your life 

Watty1

Yes actually I am mortgage free!   Which is astounding to me.  I could not get a mortgage as there were 3 factors against that  (1)  my age  (2)  I'm self employed with no real pension provision and (3)  the ex has an "overage agreement" on the land.  The overage agreement was the real sticking point as it is like a first charge and lenders don't like them and will not lend.  Two brokers turned me down when they heard that, one wanted £1500 just to look and the third was someone I knew and she found me one but the mortgage rate was so high her advice was not to touch it (it was 15% in low interest times, heaven knows what it would be now!)

I managed to split the title of the house and land when I moved so they are now owned separately so potentially I could get one now as a re-mortgage to do the renovations and the maintenance the property desperately needs but I'm going to try to manage without as the first 2 remain stumbling blocks. 

I've used savings and my cash ISA to get to this point as it was the only way I could pay the ex off. 

If anyone reading this is unmarried then always have an account that your partner knows nothing about . - that sounds perhaps unfair and you may never think it will happen to you but it just might.  I did not think it would happen to me and it did.   Luckily I had once, stashed some cash in a cash ISA over a couple of years as my emergency fund. It was always my absolute emergency fund in my head and I was able to use that to get myself out of the mess  I was in.

I'm currently paying myself the minimum I need to do so each month to gain pension credits and to keep my tax down and then taking a dividend to make the money up.    I think I have enough left over to pay the capital gains tax on selling half the rental property - but - that might clear me out.

So, now I need to pay my January tax bill and hope I can take enough of a dividend to clear that by the end of the year.

Next year I will properly be on my feet  and then I will use the ideas suggested here of saving an amount each month as though I were paying a mortgage as that will build,  I'm currently using my company as a vehicle to put £1000 a month into a pension fund.  (that sounds a lot but I'm making up a  lot of lost ground here)

For now, until the end of the year I'm  muddling through. I've very little headspace and am exhausted, so much so that when WattyDog was barking at something today I hid under the duvet and cried.    I know that is not anyway forwards but exhaustion and overwhelm just take over sometimes.
 
I'm often in bed and asleep by 9.00 pm, I struggle to get up in the mornings and I struggle to get through my workload.  I don't really know what the answer is except to rest as much as I can for now and keep the business going.     I'm so grateful to the VNM for helping out with something like the fencing.  I'd like to be in a position to pay someone to do maintenance on a regular basis so that is for next year too.

Watty1

Sorry that was a long post.  The short answer is yes I am mortgage free (happy dance) but without a safety net (less of a happy dance) but as most of you know I'm a positive sort and will muddle through.

Karmacat

Watty1 said:

For now, until the end of the year I'm  muddling through. I've very little headspace and am exhausted, so much so that when WattyDog was barking at something today I hid under the duvet and cried.    I know that is not anyway forwards but exhaustion and overwhelm just take over sometimes.
 
I'm often in bed and asleep by 9.00 pm, I struggle to get up in the mornings and I struggle to get through my workload.  I don't really know what the answer is except to rest as much as I can for now and keep the business going.     I'm so grateful to the VNM for helping out with something like the fencing.

Oh Watty!  I've a few pointers about how to go forward, which I *know* you know, in spite of feeling so dreadful, but I thought I'd list them anyway:
- congratulate yourself on navigating through the horrendous storm you've just been through, made much harder for you than it needed to be by the ex.
- yes, get lots of sleep.
- also yes to nutrition, to the animals and all the other self-care elements you've painstakingly put together - fresh air, walks with VNM and WattyDog, seeing a few local friends.  The business - ticking over is all it needs to do right now, time for acceleration and future plans later on.

ajmoney

Can we all come down, camp in a field and do little jobs to help you out while you sleep? I wish I could help you Watty x

Suffolk_lass

Well said @Karmacat. And well done @Watty1, you are a star and we love you dearly. We are nudging, not bullying or ordering. You are resourceful and a huge inspiration. Give yourself and that silly dog a big hug from me x 

LadyWithAPlan

Sending you a big hug and also a sigh of relief on your secret isa that saved the last battle even as the ex was lying and taking your  overpayments as his .. 

only way is UP! And you are mortgage free!! Woohoo 

I aim to put £880 - £1k away each month for SIPP via my company as well as it’s just the best tax wise - so the limiting yourself on withdrawals now will be amazing for your bright future 

we are here for you !