This Time I'm Really Going To Do It

LadyWithAPlan

Cast him out your mind and  lets hope he pays the dog insurance  regularly and leaves some cash in his will for the dog.
Watty DOG will appreciate the time and energy you give far more than locked in a conservatory..

Suffolk_lass

Being the (mean,) suspicious person that I am, I suspect more than a simple discussion here. That meeting was intended to get under your skin and revive feelings of love and sympathy. Your immediate response is a credit to you. Be very aware that his motives were to perpetuate your relationship in whatever way he can; trying to emotionally control and wheedle his way back into your consciousness. Please don't let him succeed. If there is any more communication in the poor me vein, I would suggest he leave a legacy in his will to you to continue looking after his dog. Well done and move on.

Watty1

thank you all for your comments.  They really do mean a lot to me and are really  helpful.

@Suffolk_lass thank you!  I had never looked at it from that point of view and I have read your comments a few times with a "ah ha" and "omg" running through my mind.  Because that is exactly what has happened, he has wheedled his way back into my consciousness.    I had not stepped back and looked at what was going on there.

I wrote myself a little note in the notebook I keep most days (my sort of journal) to remind myself that a relationship with him was not the relationship I wanted, and to remind myself in threw me under a bus to get what he wanted for himself and to try to rationalise why I was feeling the way I did about him.

Then I come on here and discover you have summed it up perfectly.  

daisy_1571

(It also coincides with the house all legally sorted therefore loss of ongoing legal stuff contact)

Watty1

Well as some of you might have predicted, seeing the ex really scrambled my brain.  I seem to have forgotten all the crap and sunk into the "if onlys" .and remembering the really great times and filtering out the bad.  Large sigh.   My brain was so scrambled yesterday i barely functioned at work Thursday and Friday surviving on chocolate coffee and painkillers for the headache.

In attempt to move my brain to my current world I rang the conveyancing solicitor to check that he really did have all the paperwork that was needed for the transfer and that the houses really had transferred as everything still feels the same!  I then let the Letting Agency know I no longer own the rental property.

The solicitor mentioned stamp duty.  This is something I had not budgeted for.  So now i need to find the money for Stamp Duty (unknown amount, he is to work out the best way of doing that), the final legal bill for the house purchase (unknown) and the Capital Gains Tax (unknown,  a friend has sent me some useful information to compile stuff for my accountant and then accountant will work out).

I think the brain scramble is worse because I have no plans for the weekend and feel exhausted.    Not working as put me very behind so my plan is to spend this morning in the office and see how much work i can clear.

badmemory

Watty1 said:

Well as some of you might have predicted, seeing the ex really scrambled my brain.  I seem to have forgotten all the crap and sunk into the "if onlys" .and remembering the really great times and filtering out the bad. 

And that was precisely his plan.  To cut a very long story short, I landed up sympathising because my ex had been made redundant (so no maintenance for DS) & was worried his new wife was going to leave him.  That is what they do.  Just don't allow yourself to feel bad.

KajiKita

Hi Watty,

I don’t comment much as it seems a bit intrusive when you don’t know me all that much but I remember my manipulative ex behaving like this, and me falling for it … What helped me was to, a) remember that maintaining any contact with him didn’t help him to move on any and b) start planning for and dreaming about *my* new future. 

I think some of it is about forging a new identity - not one being based on being with the ex, which you were for quite a while, but one based on what matters to me, what brings joy to me, what I place value on etc. I found doing that gave my brain new pathways to ‘play with’, was more fun and therefore more rewarding than ‘what if-ing’ or guilt, and gradually, became my default state. 

HTH,

KK

ajmoney

KajiKita said:

I think some of it is about forging a new identity - not one being based on being with the ex, which you were for quite a while, but one based on what matters to me, what brings joy to me, what I place value on etc. I found doing that gave my brain new pathways to ‘play with’, was more fun and therefore more rewarding than ‘what if-ing’ or guilt, and gradually, became my default state. 

HTH,

KK

Wow, this is great and is exactly what I am trying to navigate without realising. It is great to see it in type so thank you for posting.

Watty1

Thank you @KajiKita.  Really sensible and lovely to hear from someone out the other side.   I had been doing so well and have "sunk"

In an effort to crawl back this weekend I'm working on a project that I hope will make me some money, have had an afternoon nap and taken the Charming Cob for a toddle around the block.   This afternoon and evening more work but I will walk WattyDog to the local posh country house hotel, sit in their gorgeous park style garden with a pot of tea and walk back.    That seems a really nice thing to do for us both.

KajiKita

I think you are being a bit hard on yourself. You haven’t ‘sunk’. You have passed through a challenging and triggering interaction with your ex and have come through it, recognising what the process was, that you don’t want to go back there and the games he is playing. It’s not sinking, its a mild dip on an overall upward projectory 😊 Have the faith in yourself that people here do 😊

Love the idea of a walk with an afternoon tea; it sounds both restorative and civilised. In the meantime I shall be nose down, furtling about in a border! 😂

KK