This Time I'm Really Going To Do It

Watty1

I also want to add how lovely it is to see so many of you posting here, not lovely that you are in a similar situation maybe but that we are all here together muddling through. With cheerleaders and supporters.   

MFWannabe

I don’t post on your thread Watty but do follow it 
You’d be surprised how many of us have been in the same or very similar situation; what I can tell you is it really does make you a stronger person even though it may not feel it at times x 
You have been and will be stronger than you ever thought possible 
Make plans what you want to do; how you can make your house your own etc 
And first and foremost put yourself first and look after yourself always x 

Suffolk_lass

I found it quite liberating, writing a list of all the decorating tools I needed and starting again with new ones. I have also been quietly putting together my own toolbox; not because I think DH is about to go awol, it is about knowing where my tools are and having the knowledge to use them. Not loads but a few different screwdrivers, bradawl (for starting holes) pliers, wire strippers, hammers, adjustable spanner and mole-grips. Plus black insulating electrical tape, Allen keys, socket set, a tape measure and a radiator key. I know where there are nails, screws and rawlplugs and I have plugs and fuses elsewhere. A good starter, for small uncomplicated jobs. And I love the blag and yellow box with a handle on top (I have two of these, the smaller one has leather working tools in

KintsugiWhippet

Hi Watty1. I fell upon your thread by chance and have never posted here before, so here goes. I was with the ex and then married to him for 26 years. No children, sadly. We bought what I thought would be our forever home in September 2011. Our finances were always separate (both in well paid jobs). He insisted on always paying the mortgage. I accepted that suggestion a bit reluctantly, and I paid all other bills plus overpaid on the mortgage to try to pay it off as quickly as possible. If DDay had not happened, the mortgage would have been paid off in 2024. Cutting a very long story short, in August 2019, while I was still recovering from a serious ski injury and the death of my father which had happened only a few weeks previously, the ex told me he was leaving me. I was 59. I had stopped work in June 2018 but was still able to pay all the bills and overpay the mortgage. He gave me a long list of how useless I was as a wife and a human being. Some weeks later I discovered that, for the whole of our relationship, he had continued a long-distance affair with his ex girlfriend (she was also married, with children, and living in Canada for most of the time). The extent of the ex’s lies, particularly about his finances, slowly became horribly clear. He accused me of never contributing anything financially (when I had given him a roof over his head when he had walked out of a job at the beginning of our relationship and had contributed more than him ever since). I can remember thinking on my 60th birthday a very few months later that I wasn’t going to make it. I’m a lawyer, so the divorce side of things was easy for me practically, but so hard emotionally. I had to do everything to sort the mess out as the ex abdicated all responsibility and became ridiculously passive (he’s a lawyer too). Over three years later, at age 63, I have a massive mortgage as I had to buy the ex out to keep a roof over my head. I am back at work very full time (6 days a week). I will be working to at least age 70, I expect. I at last have a dog who really is the love of my life. I know who my true friends are. Many of the feelings of anxiety you have shared are familiar to me. As others have said, it does get better. Confidence returns, and life feels more joyful. The loss of old dreams forces the creation of new dreams, and often those new dreams are better than the old dreams.  I underestimated how much of an emotional rollercoaster it would be. Doing things in the house, garden, travel, working, feeding yourself, is so much harder alone. Everything costs more as a single person. But the amount of satisfaction I got out of tiny tasks like replacing toilet seats and buying a new shed gradually helped to bolster my confidence. I have invested in the cost of weekly therapy and that has helped hugely. I also found a group of women of all ages who had experienced the same trauma and we have each other’s backs in a way I never would have believed.

I wanted to tell you that every feeling you describe, I have felt. Sometimes even now my brain churns over with lists of tasks and a feeling of panic - often I felt like running away. But it passes, leaving me more resilient and better able to face the next time. I hope this encourages you to keep going. X

ajmoney

Watty1 said:

@StripeyTightsSpottySocks it doesn't sound silly at all.   My ex could fix anything and up until he went off the rails he did.   He has taken all the tools with him too.  I found myself in a DIY shop today looking at a box full of painting stuff and thinking oh but I had all that ....... 
and now I don't.

The first thing i want to do is put up some shelves in a cupboard (hence being at the DIY store).   I've no tools but I have asked the VNM if he will help by bringing his which he kindly agreed to do.   I came up with the idea of shelving the cupboard instead of replacing the furniture the ex took with him as I thought it would be cheaper, less cluttered and not to hard (that was before I realised I had no tools at all).

Am rootless too.   Am going to sit down with a sheet of paper and make a list for this week.  I like the idea of 3 things, a need; a should; an I would like but to be honest I'm too overwhelmed with work to even thing about that now.  I'll just make a list of all that needs to be done and hopefully tick some of as I go/

The way I try to feel less overwhelmed with my work to-do list is I make a master list with everything that needs to be done. I then take things from it to be done each day. The 3 things on my list is purely for me as I wasn't doing anything.

Suffolk_lass

And just to add, that although there are lots on here with similar or identical experiences and manifestations of grief, there are also unique elements associated with grief. The times it touches your new life unexpectedly, when you have (or believe you have) left all that behind. Reflecting more positively on the journey since is part of the making you stronger journey

Watty1

@KintsugiWhippet  Thank you. I was touched by your post more than you will know.

And thanks to everyone that has posted, I really do appreciate the support.  I feel quite emotional.   Thank you.

Watty1

Some good, some not so good.  The good:  I work with a company overseas and I use their unique computer programme.  An update came through.  These have, in the past, always been very difficult to install.  I tried a few times and couldn't get it to work.  At this point I would, in the past, ask the ex.  This time I struggled on.  Then I started sending the supplier videos of what was happening when I followed their instructions.  Apparently no one else was having a problem but me.  More panic.

After many cups of tea, a packet of chocolate biscuits and a few videos I fixed it all by myself.  High five me.

The not so good.  Charming cob has had another bout of colic so my anxiety level has sky rocketed.  He was fine, just a late night vet call out and painkillers.  Me not so good as i know worry about him.  I took my ring doorbell down and fixed it so I could see the camera on my phone just so I could go and see the local village play with friends.  The yesterday some how charming cob got his leg stuck in his rug while in the field. He is such a polite chap he waited for me to come and fix it but that was more to worry about. 

Wattydog is also in the not so good.  He loves his walks and playing with sticks but in the house he seems so miserable and I'm not surprised.  I think he is lonely and bored.  I know  I am here all the time as I work from home but I am in my office a lot and the office and upstairs are kittens places.  I feel he is not getting the attention he needs and deserves and I'm struggling to walk him.  I found someone to muck out the stables so I had a bit more time but my general level of exhaustion is such that I'm still struggling.    I keep thinking it would be better if I could somehow share him with the ex but that means some kind of contact and I'm not sure that would be good for my mental health.  I do go round in circles a lot on this.

daisy_1571

Ex is not part of the picture any more, please don't look to him for solutions.  One It would just be something you have to extricate yourself from later and Two its unfair to say you can't be part of my life for these reasons but I want you to be around my house for this reason. Thats opening an enormous can of worms about access and times and keys and you waiting 'will he won't he' on tenterhooks.  Handing control right back to him as you acknowledge.

Have you tried borrow my doggy?  Links up people with no time or health with people who can't have a dog full time.  Could you schedule in regular breaks every couple of hours to come down and walk round the garden with him.  Its good for all of us to stretch and get away from screens for 10 minutes.  Use a timer to help you remember.   I take it dog and cats don't get on well but is there any way he could sit in the same room as you sometimes?   Lots of breeds like company and to exclude them is hard on them. (If you can, please try to tempt him with something other than sticks.  They can break and lodge in palate between the teeth, and the injuries caused by dogs running with sticks would set your vet bill fund right back (and your stomach churning).  Kong do a safe stick if he won't be tempted)

At the moment you are maybe feeling like you have to split your attention all over the place, it will get easier.  Things will settle into your own new routine and life will be gradually become more manageable.   You will stop thinking ex used to do this.  Like the computer update.   Next time it comes in you won't unconsciously think ex did this last time, you'll think I did this last time.

Daisy xxxxxxxxx 

daisy_1571

re boredom- licky mat, kongs, snuffle mats. All help string out feeding time so fill in a bit mental space.  All normal food can be used in these not extra treats.  Hide food around rather than just putting in bowl.   When out on 10 minutes in garden do some training,  sit stay come stand, etc helps give mental stimulation and promote the bond between you.  Do it with him beside you then gradually move away so he's doing it at distance.   Introduce hand signals.   Train him new tricks,  touch, high five, paw for left paw, shake for right paw. Find, roll over, etc etc.  This can all be done with you sitting so you get a rest and he gets stimulation. 

This might all sound simplistic but maybe it can help it seem less a chore and more rewarding for you both.