This Time I'm Really Going To Do It

Ramouth

It will take time for you to relax and fully trust your surroundings but it will come.  Try to enjoy your location and remind yourself why you have fought for it.  Looks like lovely riding weather here today - hopefully it is for you where you are too.

daisy_1571

www.thelossfoundation/grief-comes-in-waves/  

Don't know if you've seen this before but I've mentioned it to people who have found it helpful and it might be to you too.  Im sure its on a few sites as it is a good description of the overwhelmingness of the many types of loss.  

Just a suggestion but maybe try to keep the 'good ex' the funny, helpful, nice ex in your memories but at a distance.   As someone you knew a long time ago, who you think fondly of, but haven't seen for about 5 years (insert your own timescale).  Give him a name that makes sense to you. Grieve for him.

The other ex is the one who has been around for the last 5 years (own timescale).  Someone new in your life who you only met the moment you first discovered his duplicity.   Give him a name that makes sense to you. 
Maybe don't grieve for him, maybe be angry (for a while, not for ever), be sorry for whatever went on in his head to interact with you that way, be bemused, whatever.  Maybe grieve for the person you had to become to survive him but wonder at your own strength.  Be amazed at You.  

Then remember the world is full of people and when you are ready you can meet some of them and they will fulfil your various needs, and you can fulfil some of theirs, friendship, help for tasks, companionship, somebody to go to things with, someone to do nothing with.  All these people are there, you will find them once you want to go about your normal life again. 

Hoping its as beautiful a spring day with you as it is here and you get to lift your face to the sun and be peaceful for a few minutes.

Hugs daisy xxx

Watty1

That was really helpful @daisy_1571 thank you.

Easter Monday.  What a weekend.   Lazy Friday trying to recover from exhaustion and then Friday night Charming Cob had colic again.   This time a vet visit and a painkiller and it passed but I was terrified.  Spent the night up worrying until the early hours and then downed half a bottle of wine to sleep.  Not ideal.  Saturday passed in a haze other than walking WattyDog into the local village for lunch.  Wattydog had a good walk there and back including a slash in the stream and then I fell asleep on the sofa waking just in time for a burger from the freezer defrosed and cooked and stuffed in a burger.  Struggled to sleep again worrying about Charming Cob.

Sunday Charming Cob still ok.  The vet who came out suggested it was just one of those things that happen and that horses that have gone through colic surgery just seem prone to it for the rest of their lives.   Am going to investigate a camera for his stable I can check on my phone.      

In brighter news, went to the village market Sunday, tea and cakes with a friend, found two lampshades in the charity shop then home to collect WattyDog for a walk.  Walked across fields to local (posh) country house hotel where I stopped for tea, a bottle of water and cake  (bill £14 for me!)  WattyDog water served by a very nice waiter and was free. Told WattyDog we need cheaper walks (laughing).

The Easter Sunday Church service.  Something in the service touched my heart and I just started to cry.  Someone fetched me a glass of water and tissues.   I rarely go to church but a very nice man said "it is no co-incidence you are here" which was kind.  Part of the service spoke to me, about restoring self and sense of self esteem and rebuilding confidence to move forwards.  I left with a sense that I should (a) make lists so I can tick of what I need to achieve (b) write down pros and cons and (c) believe my life will be very different in 3 months time.

Humdinger1

@Watty1 doing things for the first time alone is scary; but you are right, 3 months will see you in a totally different place.   It is a bereavement of a kind; cut yourself some slack and remember how brilliantly you have done.  Love Humdinger xx 

StripeyTightsSpottySocks

Hi Watty1 
i hope it's ok - i just wanted to post and thank you for sharing your feelings and what you are going through - it has been really helpful to me. I split up with my ex over a year ago though we hadn't really been together for a long time, but have only recently been living on my own. It's funny, It's strange i didn't expect to feel differently - about myself - when living on my own. But i did and do - i'm only just getting used to ex not suddenly turning up and, like you, in some ways i feel unrooted and adrift. it's been difficult for people in real life to understand that, reading your similar feelings have helped validate mine.
Whilst i was independent in many ways before, unfortunately little of it was practical - ex always said he would do things (and didn't) and told me i couldn't. I'm now looking at all the jobs i need to do on my home and am going to be brave and start to do them. It might sound silly to some but when your confidence has been demolished it does feel brave - because it's scary to me, overcoming those past emotions as well as not wanting to prove ex right i guess (ho hum). But it won't matter if i don't do a great job - i'll learn and can do it again. You sharing has helped give me the confidence to make a start - which i had been procrastinating on - thank you. I have paint and filler and no money lol! so i'll start the first room tomorrow - not procrastination, I have Easter plans today and had a dreadful night of sleep. Once painted I can see if there are any other jobs I need to do in that room and do them. Moving the furniture out on my own will be the fun part 

I think the camera you can check on your phone for the horses is a really good idea and I hope Charming Cob stays well x

Have a great day Watty. 

ajmoney

@StripeyTightsSpottySocks I could have written what you have above. I am struggling to find my way on my own, to the point that I am sitting here doing nothing because I can't work out what to do.

@Watty1 I think I need to go back to writing lists. Today I had the idea of 3 things a day on my list for my week off (this week). 1) something I need to do, 2) something I should do, 3) something I would like to do. I have ticked off number 1 for today.

Sending you hugs and support x

Sarahspangles

For the angry or bitter days, remember ‘The best revenge is to live well’.  After all, the ex often does, if they weren’t selfish and self-centred they wouldn’t be an ex.  So allowing yourself permission to focus on being happy is the gift you can give yourself.

Suffolk_lass

@StripeyTightsSpottySocks - You need to read @LadyWithAPlan's diary to see what she has been learning re DIY classes.

I used to work for a chap we referred to as the man from Delmonte (he say yes) because his byline was "if it feels right, just do it" - he was absolutely right (lovely man) and it was much quicker asking for forgiveness than asking for permission, with far fewer hurdles. I remember him standing up to auditor criticism that we had bought a large computer at the end of the financial year, without a fully costed and approved business case, feasibility study and project team. We had just saved £1.5m in maintenance costs at that point, by moving lots of small systems onto the virtual domains of the new one, and decommissioning equipment with no back up, no resilience and no plans for how to support them. JFDI as they say

Chrystal

@Suffolk_lass I need to take your JFDI to heart..... it may just get me actually doing something!

Watty1

@StripeyTightsSpottySocks it doesn't sound silly at all.   My ex could fix anything and up until he went off the rails he did.   He has taken all the tools with him too.  I found myself in a DIY shop today looking at a box full of painting stuff and thinking oh but I had all that ....... 
and now I don't.

The first thing i want to do is put up some shelves in a cupboard (hence being at the DIY store).   I've no tools but I have asked the VNM if he will help by bringing his which he kindly agreed to do.   I came up with the idea of shelving the cupboard instead of replacing the furniture the ex took with him as I thought it would be cheaper, less cluttered and not to hard (that was before I realised I had no tools at all).

Am rootless too.   Am going to sit down with a sheet of paper and make a list for this week.  I like the idea of 3 things, a need; a should; an I would like but to be honest I'm too overwhelmed with work to even thing about that now.  I'll just make a list of all that needs to be done and hopefully tick some of as I go/