Am I being stubborn for the sake of it?

[Deleted User]

Hi, I would say take your time, if your not sure. If you feel that things are rushed atm, step back and have a couple more months by yourself.
You can still see your boyfriend and although his place isn't ideal that isn't your problem.
If hes understanding then there wont be a problem, as long as you tell him how you feel. Good luck.

BugglyB

I think you definitely need to tell him that you aren't ready to move in with him officially just yet. Personally I dont think you should encourage him to be at home more because theres no point in him paying for the place otherwise. That sort of thing gives an odd mixed message (why should I bother paying for it at all then, if thats what shes worried about, I could just move in?) and can be hurtful (should I be here now? does she want me to leave?)

I'd do it in a practical way - when you both get ready to leave the house on a Tuesday morning - 'hey come for dinner on Thursday night, I have some stuff I want to do tomorow' etc.

Saying stuff like 'I didn't want to meet someone this quickly but the universe doesn't just revolve around me' and trying to justify how you feel with talking about the size of the flat sounds a little to me like you're somewhat bashful or worried about expressing your own needs too vocally. Don't be.

If he leaves because you are firm in what your needs and wants are, then you guys just weren't compatible to start with.

Errata

I do feel all a bit rushed into everything with this relationship.

That's because he's rushing you into things you're not ready for, in other words you are being pressured by him and that's not the way a healthy relationship works.
Now it looks like you're feeling pressured into arranging your flat and your furniture to suit him and his needs. What about yours?

NinjaSavingKat

If it's meant to be you wouldn't be on here asking strangers for their advise. If it doesn't feel right don't do it. And something this big should never be something you feel pushed into. It's a little unfair and presumptious of him if he thinks you are going to just say yes.

Push him back a little, tell him how you feel and see what he says. If he is cool with it you know he is a keeper.. if not tell him to do one or stop pressuring you...

It's way way to soon for me anyway... but thats me...

kittendothroar

My romantic head says...go for it! I asked a similar post a few months back and had great advice I was sharing a 2 bed work flat with someone I had fallen out with, and he lived in very similar accommodation to which you describe, was ghastly!

I was cautious having been hurt before, and tbh when I put my name down for a transfer I expected to wait months before a flat came up but in fact was weeks, slight shock but overall it has been fine. We've been here nearly 4 months, no major fights and if anything we have just grown more fond of each other! There are things liking leaving washing on the floor a real bug bear but I have my own bad habits too but we laugh about them rather than fight. Best things are to lay down first how you will manage bills, we are lucky that most of ours are included in the rent which saves most arguments! Take time once a week to have 'date night' - keeps the romance alive

My theory now is life is short, if its meant to be it will work. I'm 31, and nearly died a few years back so every day is precious. Why have regrets?..

ostrichnomore_2

'My theory now is life is short, if its meant to be it will work.' - yeah, that's his approach as well. Wish I had the guts to just go for it, but I don't.

Well thank you all, little chat tonight about it. I think he'll be fine about it.

It's just the studying time I'm stuck on. Ideally I want him to just sod off at those times and leave me to it. I did raise it over the weekend and stated I'd be studying on X nights, thinking he'd take the hint that he shouldn't be here then, but he just said he'd not disturb me and go in the bedroom while I was working. But on the other hand, it's something that's going to be more long-term, so I'd also like the test the waters a bit by seeing how it works with him around the flat, while I still have the option to tell him to go home if he's distracting me. Which is why I'm thinking of trying to sort desk in spare room to give us both a fair chance - me to study in peace and him to not disturb me. That way, if he is a distraction then moving in is out of the question until I've finished all I want to do. If it's ok, it's no longer a reason to hold off. Hmmmmm.

My problem is I can always see all the sides to any argument so I can't make my blooming mind up.

Kayalana99

ostrichnomore wrote: »

'My theory now is life is short, if its meant to be it will work.' - yeah, that's his approach as well. Wish I had the guts to just go for it, but I don't.

Well thank you all, little chat tonight about it. I think he'll be fine about it.

It's just the studying time I'm stuck on. Ideally I want him to just sod off at those times and leave me to it. I did raise it over the weekend and stated I'd be studying on X nights, thinking he'd take the hint that he shouldn't be here then, but he just said he'd not disturb me and go in the bedroom while I was working. But on the other hand, it's something that's going to be more long-term, so I'd also like the test the waters a bit by seeing how it works with him around the flat, while I still have the option to tell him to go home if he's distracting me. Which is why I'm thinking of trying to sort desk in spare room to give us both a fair chance - me to study in peace and him to not disturb me. That way, if he is a distraction then moving in is out of the question until I've finished all I want to do. If it's ok, it's no longer a reason to hold off. Hmmmmm.

My problem is I can always see all the sides to any argument so I can't make my blooming mind up.

I think one thing to be said about the not living together bit is 'in the mean time... I want to get a study pattern so if I can have XXX nights free when your at your place it would be good...'

Errata

My problem is I can always see all the sides to any argument so I can't make my blooming mind up.

Let me help you out. Without him around you can do a bit of reading in bed, on the bed, laid out on the sofa, on the loo, in the bath, in the kitchen whilst you're waiting for the spaghetti to cook; in the nude or otherwise. You can write a para, get up walk around, make a cuppa and then go back to it.
With him around you'll be stuck in a small room, unable to do any of the above.

FBaby

I think you definitely need to tell him that you aren't ready to move in with him officially just yet. Personally I dont think you should encourage him to be at home more because theres no point in him paying for the place otherwise. That sort of thing gives an odd mixed message (why should I bother paying for it at all then, if thats what shes worried about, I could just move in?) and can be hurtful (should I be here now? does she want me to leave?)

That's exactly what came to my mind to. He could very much misinterpret your response as you not wanting to commit and starting to have doubts about the whole relationship. It's one thing to say you are not completely ready to live together officially, it's another to say that you would appreciate if he went back to his place more often to give you space.

I think you need to make the first bit clear, but the second should be as and when it happens. See how it goes the way it is now. You will either get to the point when it is becoming more and more natural, you will get to know each other even better (have you even had a serious disagreement yet, how did you deal with it?), be reassured that he is financially responsible, and want to make it official without having any second thoughts, or it won't work out too well with your studied and you will have to tell him there and then as you can't concentrate in studying that he will need to get back to his place on these days because you can't give him the attention he is requesting.

ostrichnomore_2

'He could very much misinterpret your response as you not wanting to commit and starting to have doubts about the whole relationship. ' That's what I'm worried about as it isn't the case. I don't want to mess this up as he's so sweet and I think this could be really good.

Ok, so great advice, thank you. Make it clear to him that yes it's still on the cards but not just yet. Let's see how it all goes and how the studying etc works out. It might be fine, or he'll drive me nuts and i'll have to tell him to leave me in peace, or it'll drive him nuts and he won't want to move in any more any way and rather be off doing something else :-).