Am I being stubborn for the sake of it?

ostrichnomore_2

Hello...I'm wavering one way then the other over this and would appreciate any advice or points of view.

Been in relationship for just over 5 months. We generally suit each other well (there's a couple of things I'm not 100% happy with but no-one's perfect, I know I'm not, and so far we've been able to just talk sensibly about our differences) and it's love, and we have been talking about moving in together and he's even raised getting married in future. So it's serious. It's been pretty intense and we've always spent a lot of time together. He did ask me after about 2 months if we could move in together, and I said no way, too quick! He accepted that.

My quandary now is this. When we met I was living in my ex's house and he was living in a rather grotty single room in a houseshare, with no lounge or anything, literally just one tiny room. I moved out of ex's house and into my own flat about 4 weeks ago.

New man hasn't asked overtly but I know he would LOVE to move in with me officially. He practically has, unofficially. So far he's only gone back to his place 3 nights. Lots of his clothes are here and I've sorted him out a drawer for his clean undies etc.

It's not fair to keep him in limbo like this much longer. I know he's thinking about it even though he hasn't said anything, he's not putting pressure on me. I know how I'd feel if I were him. But I can't quite bring myself to say move in properly. And I feel really mean telling him 'hey, you don't live here, go home' as his place really is depressing for him, and it seems silly when we can have this space to ourselves. And we really are having a nice time finally having privacy and space, just us. I love having him around. He's great at housework/cooking etc so no downsides there. He's been helping do the flat up.

I just feel sort of pushed into living together by circumstances rather than choice, and that's making me resist it. Even though it's great to have him there... I waver between really wanting to ask him to move in ... and asking him to back off a bit and return to having a few nights to myself. I was looking forward to living on my own for a bit, as I've always liked that. But then one night when I was out and he was maybe going to stay on at mine/maybe not going to stay on at mine for the night (after he'd been doing some stuff in flat for me) I got home and all the windows were dark and I thought he'd gone home, and I was disappointed. I wanted him there. And was really happy to find he was there, just in bed asleep. Again, part of me thinks this is way too quick, just because I've been a cautious person. But other people move in quickly and it works...and being cautious hasn't helped me in the past, lol.

The couple of things I'm not 100% about I haven't discussed with him. Probably if I did we'd find a solution. so I wonder if I'm hanging on to them to sort of provide me with an excuse not to let him move in. But if we didn't find a solution, they would put me off, I don't know if they'd be real dealbreakers or not, but I know they'd cause some problems.

Am I just being stubborn for the sake of it? WWYD?

aileth

I would go for it. You can always arrange nights where you each have time alone, say he goes out with the boys, you with the girls.

I was pushed (if that's the right word) into moving in with my now husband due to circumstance. We lived 60 miles apart and saw each other twice a week, only had been dating six months or so. I was going to be made redundant in my city but was offered an opportunity in his. I was living with my parents at the time, and my wages for the first few months were going to be uncertain, so I asked if I could move in with him.

Our situation was even weirder as due to financial problems, he was living with his ex-brother in law (long story) and his wife, so I was essentially in one house with 3 other people.

Well, it all worked out and now we are married and own our own home. It was very weird for the first month or so, but then was absolutely fine. I got home a lot earlier than him so managed to have lots of 'me' time and he had different days off to me, so he got it too.

I think you answered your own question with 'I love having him around'. I get the feeling the only thing you're worried about is having your own space, but if you talk sensibly and work out when you can each have alone time, you're not missing out but gaining.

tea_lover

Is your new place rented? Ifit is, do you have a minimum time you need to be there (eg. 12 months?) Maybe you could stay there on your own (with him visiting as now) until the contract is up, then consider getting somewhere new for the two of you.

ostrichnomore_2

It's rented. Minimum 6 months. But it's a bargain and we'd be lucky to find somewhere else round here with as much space for that money. In fact, we wouldn't - I already tried and jumped on this the second I saw it. So wouldn't ideally want to move elsewhere then - we can't afford to rent the sort of place we'd really like and I think this flat really is the best for now on my/our budget.

pawsies

Sounds like you are already living together if he's only been home 3 times!

He is throwing money away at a house share, you could be saving that money for the future instead...

ostrichnomore_2

I get the feeling the only thing you're worried about is having your own space, but if you talk sensibly and work out when you can each have alone time, you're not missing out but gaining.

Yes,that's a lot of it. There's not much chance of peace and quiet when he's around, talk the hind leg off a donkey, which I like most of the time but I do need my quiet time too. I also start studying again this month and I don't know how that will work. He says he'll take himself off to the bedroom while I'm studying at table in living room - but for 20-odd hours a week? I don't think he quite realises the impact of that.

Kayalana99

Im abit up in the air as you are still wanting your own space even though you really like this guy.... and once he moves in you can't send him home again lol.

Why don't you trial it for a week? i.e dont send him home encourage him to stay..see how you feel when he is their without a break.

aileth

ostrichnomore wrote: »

Yes,that's a lot of it. There's not much chance of peace and quiet when he's around, talk the hind leg off a donkey, which I like most of the time but I do need my quiet time too. I also start studying again this month and I don't know how that will work. He says he'll take himself off to the bedroom while I'm studying at table in living room - but for 20-odd hours a week? I don't think he quite realises the impact of that.

Honestly, I will bet that'll wear off after a month or two. The daily drudge will set in, he'll run out of things to talk about because you are together more of the time, and it'll get a lot quieter

Mojisola

ostrichnomore wrote: »

Yes,that's a lot of it. There's not much chance of peace and quiet when he's around, talk the hind leg off a donkey, which I like most of the time but I do need my quiet time too. I also start studying again this month and I don't know how that will work. He says he'll take himself off to the bedroom while I'm studying at table in living room - but for 20-odd hours a week? I don't think he quite realises the impact of that.

Don't make any decisions until you've started your studying. Then you'll both see whether it's going to work.

Person_one

Too soon for me, especially as you have reservations.

Do you think he'd be as keen if he had a nicer home to go back to?

arbroath_lass

I'm going to go against the flow here and say if you are not happy with him moving in yet then don't ask him. Take things at your own pace.

I don't think you are keeping him in limbo. It's only been five months. What is stopping him finding somewhere nicer to live in the meantime?