Am I being stubborn for the sake of it?

Pee

I moved in with my OH after six months because the girl I was house sharing with moved out and it was hard to find a good replacement. I didn't really want to give up that place, as it was a house share for two in a lovely location and quite reasonable, but I couldn't justify it on my own, especially when we spent so much time together and usually at his place.

I felt very nervous about moving in, I was pretty sure that it was the right move, but there were still a few nerves. If we split up, I knew that I would be moving out as it's sort of a tied cottage.

I had also been friends with him for years and really knew that he was decent and reliable and honourable. He wouldn't have kicked me out in the middle of the night with nowhere to go. Plus my parents lived locally, which wouldn't have been ideal, but was a back up.

If it is a two bedroom flat and he talks a lot and you want to study, it doesn't sound ideal to me unless he has some time consuming hobbies - maybe if he was gaming for 20 hours a week or a tv addict...

Also, if you want to get married I would really suggest you hold out on getting married before he moves in, if that's a priority to you.

Would he be able to afford half your rent and other costs? What would happen if you did split up - if you think he will just move out, will it really be that easy for him? And if he can't find somewhere would you make him homeless or how long would it be viab;le for one of you to sleep on the sofa?

I would at least wait until after a couple of months of studying to see how it works before I made any decisions. If he can't afford anything nicer then he isn't in limbo, this is his life...

BitterAndTwisted

In my opinion five months is far too soon to start living together, most especially when you have plans that will require you to have peace and quiet.

Just because he rents a dive is not a good enough reason to live together formally. I'd leave things as they are right now, so if he gets under your feet or your reservations turn into something else the situation would be quick and easy to resolve.

duchy

A 2 bedroom flat sounds fine as the 2nd bedroom could be turned into a study......however as you are about to start studying it wouldn't be an ideal time to change living arrangements too (or looking at it another way - is a good reason not to whilst you are still hesitant)

Give it a couple of months and see how it works with him around whilst you need study time - and if he is self reliant enough to leave you alone whilst you study or if you have to "send him home" to be able to study properly. If he's very chatty he may need retraining before he can move in Nothing worse than an essay deadline and someone yapping on LOL

There is no "right time" Some people move in almost straight away-some people wait years -it's just what is right for both of YOU.

BugglyB

Its very much harder to say 'I want you to move out' than it is to say 'I don't want you to move in yet'.

Why not give it til (say) Christmas and see how you feel?

GoldenShadow

I can see where you are coming from in terms of being pushed to lie together. My OH moved in with his ex when her Mum sold the family home and moved somewhere that had no space for her..! So they moved out together then but in hindsight he says it was a terrible idea and too soon (been together 6 months - a year I think).

In the same breath my OH hasn't had a night away since two months into our relationship! I like it that way as does he, it just sort of happened. I find I have more solo time now he essentially lives here, really.

It sounds like you need to establish what you really want. I don't think 5 months is too soon, two months wasn't for me and my OH but it depends on other factors. You do sound hesitant to commit to it, I would go for it you don't know until you do.

marisco_2

Personally after only knowing someone for 5 months I would want to enjoy living in a new place by myself, see them regularly and really get to know them well before taking the big step of moving in together. When you do that its not just your home you are sharing, but the whole relationship steps up a few gears and maybe deep down you just aren't ready for that yet.

You mention there being a couple of things that you aren't 100% happy about and that need solutions. I think it would be wise to talk these through first, and see where you are both at before changing your living arrangements. Moving in together is quite a momentous moment and should be a really happy and special time. I would suggest not spoiling that by rushing in when you have things hanging over you, that make you question whether it is the right time or not.

peachyprice

Unless you're head over heals in love and are 100% sure this is the man you want to be with (and clealry you're not otherwise you wouldn't have any reservations, at all) don't do it.

The fact that you need to ask the question here speaks volumes.

FBaby

it doesn't sound like you are ready at all. For one, there are the issues that mean you are not 100% certain about him. You think these will be resolved by talking them through, but you are not sure. What if they are not?

Then you are not sure how much his incentive to move with you is because he is very keen on spending his time with you and take the next stage of commitment and how much it is because he wants out of his place and you are giving him the chance to do so.

It doesn't seem like you have even started talking about money. If he doesn't have enough to move out of where he is, are you confident that he will pay his half of the bills? Do you know how good or not he is managing his finances?

You will be starting a new course and don't know how it will affect your need for space and time.

It sounds that if it wasn't for his onspoken insistance, you wouldn't consider it, so why do it? There is a big difference between someone who spend most of his time with you, but still has his own place then officially moving in. Moving in should be something you should be planning together taking all the above into consideration.

tea_lover

I spent most of my time at my OH's before we moved in and naievely (how on earth do you spell that??) thought it wouldn't be that different when we got our own place but of course it is. It's such a big thing, I'd wait a while.

ostrichnomore_2

Thanks, all, both the for and against people.

Will have a think, talk to him about the couple of reservations I have and see how that pans out, and chat to him about yes I'd like us to be together one day but that day isn't here just yet. At least see how it goes for a few months with the studying. And see if I can encourage him to go home a bit more, as it seems so silly for him to be paying out for a place that's basically just storage.

I do feel all a bit rushed into everything with this relationship. It's not that he puts pressure on, he's just always been a step ahead of me. I think partly it's that it doesn't sit with my plans for the first couple of years since big breakup with ex last year, didn't expect to meet someone this quickly, but the universe doesn't organise itself at my convenience. I'm worried I'm holding back just for the sake of it and I'll end up missing out on something that is good, just wish it hadn't happened right now.

Also, I do have two bedrooms but both are quite small. The single bedroom is tiny and used for storage/box room/bookcases/fridge freezer but there isn't room for a desk at the moment. I had been intending to use my dining table in living room to study but I could have a think about re-arranging spare room so I could squeeze a small desk in there. I'd feel a lot happier shutting myself away than banishing someone else who lives here (officially or not) to go and sit on the bed for hours. There really isn't room for a desk in my bedroom. I'm used to having a quiet space to disappear off to behind a closed door to study, it's best really.