Only children ...

thorsoak

My OH was an only child and he was adamant that he did not want to make an "only child" family. As a little one, he revelled in being the only one - to have the undivided attention of his parents, but as he grew up, he found that being the absolute focus of their attention, their hopes and dreams for him, was oppressive.

After we'd been married for a few years, I understood what he meant - absolutely everything that we said or did was microscopically examined whereas my parents, with five adult children could not worry as much about us in detail!

OK - might have been the sort of people they were - but thought I'd add this contribution. We had four children, and so far, those children have all got two children each - youngest hasn't yet started a family.

Molly41

AlexLK wrote: »

I grew up an only child and we have planned for our two year old son to also grow up an only child. He will be absolutely fine, in a few years he'll be out of the phase of wanting a sibling and glad he doesn't have any.

I grew up as an only child and had four children! What does that tell you?
I remember praying to God for a brother or sister when I was 11 and have never lost that innate desire for a sibling especially as my elderly parents are now ill and I am 47 years.

There is not one size fits all.

Molly41

Actually I have said before that the subject of "Only Children" really is such a polar debate as basically people love it or hate it.

More realistically it is what works for you as a family and having an awareness about the positive aspects and the negative aspects!

CH27

Felicity wrote: »

Thanks. Yes, trying to focus on the benefits.

I agree with what you are saying however my little boy has been inconsolable many times when friends have left. Especially when we have had friends for the week-end or extended periods.

He has had friends or cousins in his bedroom and his bed and has had little people of his age for company.

He is gutted when they leave. Just really sad.

I know I am giving him a lot of life skills and confidence that he otherwise might not have and he is massively gaining by being an only child.

It is just heartbreaking sometimes though ...

The majority of children feel that way. They don't want their fun to stop & normal routine to take over again.

JustKeepSwimming_2

Molly41 wrote: »

I grew up as an only child and had four children! What does that tell you?
I remember praying to God for a brother or sister when I was 11 and have never lost that innate desire for a sibling especially as my elderly parents are now ill and I am 47 years.

There is not one size fits all.

I'm an only child & most of the time I didn't feel the need for a sibling after seeing how my friends argued bitterly with theirs. I had a quiet childhood - my dad left when I was young & I didn't have a relationship with him again until I was an adult, & my Mum had to work full time, sometimes away from home (no CSA in those days so my dad didn't pay a penny ) so I was left on my own from year 6 quite a lot. The little time off she had was spent looking after her elderly & chronically ill parents 2 hours away, so I had very little in the way of childhood friends except those I made at school. I was never allowed friends in my home as Mum couldn't cope with the noise/fuss etc., & holidays were spent in the car with Nan looking at beaches but never going on them as she was too ill to walk.

Even with what may sound like a sob story (& it isn't meant to) I don't remember being lonely or unhappy & wishing for company - so I echo what other posters have said in that children don't miss what they haven't had. OP - your son sounds like he has far more interaction with other children than I ever did, so it sounds like you are having a lot of fun with him.

I have 2 children (would have happily stuck at 1 but no 2 came along after a contraception failure :rotfl:) & it breaks my heart when I hear them bicker - probably as I have no experience of it! My friends tell me my 2 get on very well (DD almost 14 & DS 11) & I do love to see them happy together, so from my side I'm happy I had 2 now - when DD has a teenage strop I still have a lovely DS to play with .

The only negative point (for me) is that now in 44, I do get envious of friends who have close sibling relationships. I find it far harder to make new grown up friends now, & having moved around a lot my oldest friends are many hours away. I helped nurse my dad through cancer some years ago & dealt with his death/estate on my own which was very hard. As my Mum gets older I'll have no one to help out with her either... I see friends going through similar times & they all say they couldn't cope without their sisters/brothers etc., & they don't know how I manage without such family support. But I realise I'm in a minority of those with no family, so it shouldn't be an issue for most of you.

Being an only child certainly helps develop an independent streak.

duchy

I do think often "the grass is always greener" and you see readymade friends for your child who never has to say goodbye to........you perhaps don't see sibling rivalry, having to say no to doing things that are affordable with one child that just aren't possible with two etc.

Family life is never about perfection -I had one child , with a disability, it wasn't fair to have more as he needed more attention than an "average" child ....but children are the gift we are given. I'm thankful for my gift. My family is perfect for ME !

As for how your child handles goodbyes.....kids do pick up from our reactions, if you get upset because he's upset-you are fueling the flames,,,if you are very matter a fact and use diversion rather than treat the leaving as a "hurt" that needs healing perhaps that might help your son cope better ? Just a thought !

As a matter of interest as he's five so at school -do you have the "gutted" reaction at the end of the school day when he says goodbye to his classmates ....and if not does it help to see if your reaction to those goodbyes are different too -thinking about him taking his reactions from yours.

paulineb_2

Felicity wrote: »

Thanks. Yes, trying to focus on the benefits.

I agree with what you are saying however my little boy has been inconsolable many times when friends have left. Especially when we have had friends for the week-end or extended periods.

He has had friends or cousins in his bedroom and his bed and has had little people of his age for company.

He is gutted when they leave. Just really sad.

I know I am giving him a lot of life skills and confidence that he otherwise might not have and he is massively gaining by being an only child.

It is just heartbreaking sometimes though ...

It shouldnt be heartbreaking when kids leave after being there for the weekend. Yes its fine for him to be sad, but Im sure he doesnt stay gutted for long

I was an only child till I was 10, then my brother came along.
I cant recall spending any of my childhood upset when friends went away because I saw them most days anyway.

This may be about your concern about him not having siblings and thats fine, but you cant know what life would be like if he had brothers or sisters, just because people have siblings doesnt mean life is rosy, some siblings dont get on. Theres far more to families than kids being company for one another

I get on great with my brother, hes fabulous, but Id have made the best of my life if my mum hadnt had a second child.

Goldiegirl

There's only been one time in my life when I wished for a sibling.

It was just after my dad died, and my mum had dementia, and needed to go into a home for care.

I suddenly realised there was no one but me who remembered the 'old days', when it was just the three of us at home together. Also, it would have been nice to share my grief with some one who felt the same as me. My husband was a wonderful support, but he didn't feel EXACTLY the same way as me.

Anyway, my parents had brought me up to be strong and to be able to cope with life, so I came through. I dealt with my dads estate, and took control of my mum's affairs. In retrospect, it was far easier being an only to deal with all that, as I took the decisions by myself, without having to refer to anyone else, and as we all know death and money often brings on family conflicts.

Brewstersmum

my son was an only child till he was 10 and then DD1 and DD2 came along.

when he was small we had a very close relationship, spent hours colouring, sticking, baking etc. by the time DD1 and 2 came along he was more interested in going out with his friends anyway so he didn't feel pushed out. The only times he has moaned is at Christmas or when he wants money as there is obviously now less to go around lol
there is 13 months between DD1 and 2. They play together all the time and to be honest, I feel pushed out!! they do bicker and fight and when one starts being naughty the other joins in so its like been up against a tag team lol. I wouldn't swop them for the world though.....well maybe for a puppy

notanewuser

My mum is one of 4. They're all in their 50s now and none of them
get on.

Dad is the youngest of 3, but with a 17 year age gap between him and his next sibling was raised as an only child. We don't have much to do with his side of the family because they never really bothered with him.

DH's mum is one of 4. 2 get on with each other, the others don't.

DH's dad is one of 3. Only 2 talk to each other and the third was disinherited.

I'm one of 2. We hated each other growing up, and things are still fraught now we're in our 30s.

DD is 3 and an only child. I can't see any valid reason to change that.