family party dilema

victory

Brewstersmum wrote: »

just after an impartial view really.

my mum is turning 70 so my step dad has organised a party for her. mum is not 100% with it anymore, her only social life is going to the hairdressers and catching the bus (she chooses this) and im worried that she is suffering mentally although she would never accept help. she has a fair track record of mental health issues. she can be really nasty to me at times and say really cutting remarks that I just ignore and get on with it. I do love my mum and I know she doesn't mean what she says, I hope anyway.

I have a brother and we really don't get on. he allowed things to happen to me when I was younger. I wont go into details but I really hate him. I told everyone what he did and they swept it under the carpet. he is 'golden boy' in my families eyes.

I am in my thirties now with my own family and I do my best by my mum. I visit my mum and step dad often, I ring everyday. I have a full time job, am also self employed in my spare time and have children. when my mum is ill, I go shopping for her etc. my brother does naff all. he has no kids just a job.

anyway this party is looming and I really don't want to go. the last party my family had was arranged by my mum. she had my brother sit on the main table whilst I sat with the distant relatives at the other side of the room. my brother stared at me the whole night and it was really uncomfortable. most of the older generation have now passed away so people like my nan who would normally stick up for me arnt there anymore.

should I go? should I make excuses? should I put myself in that position?

No, don't go, never ever allow your brother to make you feel bad about yourself, surround yourself with the positives and seeing your brother is one negative, emotionally draining, uncomfortable and unpleasant situation you really do not need to put yourself in
T

Brewstersmum

glitter03 wrote: »

Maybe you could do something special with your mum the day before/around the same time as the party and explain you wont be there.

I wouldnt go to the party.

I cant do this as its a surprise, she doesn't know it there will be a party although she made it clear she would be disappointed if there wasn't.......

I have explained to her several times why I dislike family gatherings, she just ignores it then in her next breath talks about my brothers girlfriend (who I have never met) and tells me totally irrelevant information about her like an operation she is having! ive never met her, never will, and really don't need to know. she even invited my brother to my wedding years back, thank god he refused.

HPoirot

So your mum ignores your issues, however serious they might have been, and concentrates on your brother's life, however trivial they are - and all in the same breath. Why would you go where there are the pair of them together? Do you want any more toxic in your life?

glitter03

Brewstersmum wrote: »

I cant do this as its a surprise, she doesn't know it there will be a party although she made it clear she would be disappointed if there wasn't.......

I have explained to her several times why I dislike family gatherings, she just ignores it then in her next breath talks about my brothers girlfriend (who I have never met) and tells me totally irrelevant information about her like an operation she is having! ive never met her, never will, and really don't need to know. she even invited my brother to my wedding years back, thank god he refused.

Oh yes its a surprise party doh sorry i've had a few drinks tonight :rotfl:

Treevo

You've build a wonderful, full life for yourself without your brother or your mother. So don't go.

Obviously we don't know what happened to you but I'm a bit uncomfortable with your brother getting all the blame and your mother being forgiven because she has a mental illness. Neither of them sound like happy, positive influences to be honest.

Just don't go. Fake an illness or tell them to shove it. Either way - you've not really got anything to lose.

Goldiegirl

No, don't go.

It's not going to help anyone and you'll just make yourself unhappy.

Have you thought about getting professional help to assist you to come to terms with whatever happened In the past? That might be something positive you can do

kazwookie

Mainly I would say don't go, BUT part of me says go, but only for a short while, 'to be seen' then go, and just ignore your brother, or move tables so your back is to him.

I've done this in the past, just enough to 'be seen' spoke to all the right family elders, then said some thing about work and vanished.

gingin_2

I've had a very similar issue this week and I've said no.

My brother is making one of his 18 month visits from Australia ( best place for him) and I knew the invitation to the family get together was looming. Last times have been horrific, he's a nasty 40 year old bully with a chip on his shoulder who was just plain evil last time he was here and my poor children saw me upset and were so confused and I swore I wouldn't let them see that again.

I braced myself and called up this weekend and said no. I decided I wasn't going to lie, my mother has a quite astounding habit of sweeping huge issues under the carpet and pretending they don't exist, so for her, for me to say we were busy would have been great, she could delude herself into believing that was true but I decided for my own sake I was going to perfectly honest about why we weren't going. My mother tried every trick in the book to get me to go but I continued to say no, I think about 8 times but I stuck to my guns.

Like you, I'm a decent person, a good daughter, I visit and phone regularly, make sure I keep in touch with other relatives, I'm polite and decent but just this time I decided I was going to be totally selfish and do what was right for me and not everyone else and it feels amazing now because I don't have that knot in my stomach knowing that I'm going to have to go through something that's going to be misery before, during and after, that feeling literally lifted as soon as I put the phone down.

Good luck

Bella73

I am in my thirties now with my own family and I do my best by my mum. I visit my mum and step dad often, I ring everyday. I have a full time job, am also self employed in my spare time and have children. when my mum is ill, I go shopping for her etc. my brother does naff all. he has no kids just a job.

Why do you do all this? I am confused your Mother was the one that didn't protect you not your Brother. I don't understand why you make excuses for her but vent all your pain to him. Obviously we don't know what happened but maybe that is why he keeps out of the way and to be fair you are enabling him to do nothing as you as the saint of the family do everything.

You are openly hostile to him and yet you expect him to behave in a certain way I think you send very mixed messages.

I knew a bloke who apparently "did nothing" but the truth was any time he attempted to do something to help it was thrown back I in his face or "not good enough" so you know what he stopped doing anything. His sister would play the I've got children card too but that was her choice not her brothers. If you don't have the time you need to say so and stop blaming others.

As for the party if I were you I wouldn't go but then I wouldn't be doing all and sundry for a woman who didn't give a toss about my feelings either.

paddy's_mum

gingin wrote: »

I decided I was going to be totally selfish

I've taken the liberty of correcting this for you - it should read self preservation and self esteem not self ish.