family party dilema

Mojisola

gingin wrote: »

Last times have been horrific, he's a nasty 40 year old bully with a chip on his shoulder who was just plain evil last time he was here and my poor children saw me upset and were so confused and I swore I wouldn't let them see that again.

this time I decided I was going to be totally selfish and do what was right for me and not everyone else and it feels amazing now

Definitely not selfish! I'm glad that seeing the situation "through your children's eyes" has given you the strength to stay away.

No-one has the right to upset you like your brother does.

gingin_2

Thank you Mojisola and Paddy's mum. I shall remember your words because I think there is a good chance I will be getting a phone call from my father (at my mother's insistence) to also try and convince me, in the next 48 hours.

Honestly Brewstersmum, I found it quite liberating saying no. I actually feel strong for it and I know my husband is proud of me for doing so, even though he left the decision to me, as he is the one who has to pick up the emotional pieces afterwards.

Mojisola

gingin wrote: »

I shall remember your words because I think there is a good chance I will be getting a phone call from my father (at my mother's insistence) to also try and convince me, in the next 48 hours.

Honestly Brewstersmum, I found it quite liberating saying no. I actually feel strong for it and I know my husband is proud of me for doing so, even though he left the decision to me, as he is the one who has to pick up the emotional pieces afterwards.

When the pressure starts, think of your husband and your children - they're going to be happier if you don't give in!

Given the choice between upsetting them and upsetting your parents and brother, I'll bet they are your priority.

Valli

It's 'only' a dilemma because you are confusing 'duty' with desire. You feel your duty is to go; you desire not to.

So what it boils down to is who you intend to put first. I think you should put yourself first; you are a dutiful daughter but you don't have to be a dutiful daughter 24/7; if doing your duty means you would suffer in anyway then you need not do it.

In summary; don't go.

And when you get the phone call point out that you see or speak to your mum most days - this will give everybody who sees her less often a chance to spend time with her!

Brewstersmum

Thank you all, im still very undecided on whether to just show my face. I know my younger children would love to go and they see no poison between myself and my brother....they have no idea who he is!

im tempted to just show my face and then leave.

Brewstersmum

gingin wrote: »

Honestly Brewstersmum, I found it quite liberating saying no. I actually feel strong for it and I know my husband is proud of me for doing so, even though he left the decision to me, as he is the one who has to pick up the emotional pieces afterwards.

My OH is very supportive, he has said whatever I decide he will be there beside me

Mojisola

Brewstersmum wrote: »

im tempted to just show my face and then leave.

You have to do what feels right for you.

If you go, will your OH be with you?

POPPYOSCAR

Brewstersmum wrote: »

just after an impartial view really.

my mum is turning 70 so my step dad has organised a party for her. mum is not 100% with it anymore, her only social life is going to the hairdressers and catching the bus (she chooses this) and im worried that she is suffering mentally although she would never accept help. she has a fair track record of mental health issues. she can be really nasty to me at times and say really cutting remarks that I just ignore and get on with it. I do love my mum and I know she doesn't mean what she says, I hope anyway.

I have a brother and we really don't get on. he allowed things to happen to me when I was younger. I wont go into details but I really hate him. I told everyone what he did and they swept it under the carpet. he is 'golden boy' in my families eyes.

I am in my thirties now with my own family and I do my best by my mum. I visit my mum and step dad often, I ring everyday. I have a full time job, am also self employed in my spare time and have children. when my mum is ill, I go shopping for her etc. my brother does naff all. he has no kids just a job.

anyway this party is looming and I really don't want to go. the last party my family had was arranged by my mum. she had my brother sit on the main table whilst I sat with the distant relatives at the other side of the room. my brother stared at me the whole night and it was really uncomfortable. most of the older generation have now passed away so people like my nan who would normally stick up for me arnt there anymore.

should I go? should I make excuses? should I put myself in that position?

And you feel selfish for not wanting to go?

If It were me I would not be going and I would make it clear why I felt that way.

Brewstersmum

Mojisola wrote: »

You have to do what feels right for you.

If you go, will your OH be with you?

yes if I go OH will be there with me.

OH thinks my brother deserves a smack in the gob as he knows the ins and outs but I always say what goes around comes around. The man is an !!!! and will be a very lonely old man.

What hurts the most is my mums cutting remarks

she said to me a while ago 'you will need him (my brother) before he needs you. what would he ever need you for?'

the other day she was moaning about her car not been fixed. OH is a mechanic and offered to fix it for her but she said to me 'your brother is doing it so don't get involved and meddle'

in between these bits she obviously says nice things too but it really does hurt me and makes me want to just not have anything to do with them

Person_one

You'd be doing your children a favour by keeping them away from those people.