family party dilema

Brewstersmum

just after an impartial view really.

my mum is turning 70 so my step dad has organised a party for her. mum is not 100% with it anymore, her only social life is going to the hairdressers and catching the bus (she chooses this) and im worried that she is suffering mentally although she would never accept help. she has a fair track record of mental health issues. she can be really nasty to me at times and say really cutting remarks that I just ignore and get on with it. I do love my mum and I know she doesn't mean what she says, I hope anyway.

I have a brother and we really don't get on. he allowed things to happen to me when I was younger. I wont go into details but I really hate him. I told everyone what he did and they swept it under the carpet. he is 'golden boy' in my families eyes.

I am in my thirties now with my own family and I do my best by my mum. I visit my mum and step dad often, I ring everyday. I have a full time job, am also self employed in my spare time and have children. when my mum is ill, I go shopping for her etc. my brother does naff all. he has no kids just a job.

anyway this party is looming and I really don't want to go. the last party my family had was arranged by my mum. she had my brother sit on the main table whilst I sat with the distant relatives at the other side of the room. my brother stared at me the whole night and it was really uncomfortable. most of the older generation have now passed away so people like my nan who would normally stick up for me arnt there anymore.

should I go? should I make excuses? should I put myself in that position?

Person_one

Don't go, fake an illness, why put yourself through it?

Brewstersmum

Person_one wrote: »

Don't go, fake an illness, why put yourself through it?

that's what I was thinking of doing. ive put myself through it for years but I feel a bit selfish for not going

BitterAndTwisted

If your Mum's mot "with it" any longer perhaps she won't notice that you're not there? Mot especially if you're usually relegated to the not-immediate-family table.....


Still, if it's going to cause you anguish to go to the celebration with your brother present I say "don't go"

Person_one

Brewstersmum wrote: »

that's what I was thinking of doing. ive put myself through it for years but I feel a bit selfish for not going

You visit, you ring every day, you're not selfish.

Brighton_belle

Person_one wrote: »

You visit, you ring every day, you're not selfish.

This ^^^

Don't put yourself through it OP. Give yourself permission to value your self and your legitimate needs not to feel dread and misery and undervalued.

Gigglepig

You say your brother 'allowed things to happen to you' when you were younger, and that you now hate him. But if he was young or a child child too, isn't it mainly your parents you should be angry with for failing to protect you? And for brushing things under the carpet? Depending on how serious the issues were, it might not be odd at all that you don't want to spend time with any of them.

If your mum is aggressive at times and isn't quite with it, it could be that she has dementia?

danih

Don't go, doesn't sound like you would benefit. And if you aren't sitting with your mother, would she benefit from your attendance?

Brewstersmum

Gigglepig wrote: »

You say your brother 'allowed things to happen to you' when you were younger, and that you now hate him. But if he was young or a child child too, isn't it mainly your parents you should be angry with for failing to protect you? And for brushing things under the carpet? Depending on how serious the issues were, it might not be odd at all that you don't want to spend time with any of them.

If your mum is aggressive at times and isn't quite with it, it could be that she has dementia?

It's very complicated, my dad died when I was young and mum didn't cope well, she had several break downs, time in mental hospitals etc. my brother is 4 years older than me. She did fail to protect me but she had her own issues. I have cried to her about it as an adult but she still fails to acknowledge any wrong, and there was a lot!

She will notice that I'm not there although she would never understand why.

BitterAndTwisted

Sounds like you've done all the explaining that ever had to be done. Don't go and damn the consequences!

glitter03

Maybe you could do something special with your mum the day before/around the same time as the party and explain you wont be there.

I wouldnt go to the party.