Husband's ex wife wanting more money

CH27

clearingout wrote: »

thank you. I am just on the verge of giving up. Nothing is ever good enough and then I find myself second guessed by people who just don't have a clue. It drives me insane that people think they know how much money we must have and believe they understand what my financial commitments are. There are so many things that I need to pay for - as a matter of urgency and although I have saved and saved it just won't pay for everything. I went without for years and have managed to buy myself a few things this year and now just feel guilty and those 'but you need to learn how to budget' words just echoing around my head. I do nothing but budget! I have worked so very hard to get back on my feet and for the most part have been successful but it feels that it's never enough. My children are still 'single mum, benefit scum' in the school playground and they don't deserve that. My job has been a lifeline, it made me a person again for a part of the day, someone who is respected and is allowed an opinion. I am not the 'single mum benefit scum' at work, but I am treated like that by so many people the rest of the time. Or that is how it feels.

My mum will help me out if I ask her but I really thought I was in a position where I didn't have to do that anymore. It's so very wrong to take from her at her stage of life, even though I know she doesn't begrudge it me and it's not making her go without. I just want to stop feeling entirely responsible in every which way for children that have two parents, not one. To not be judged for making by all and sundry for making the best decisions I can. Nor do I want to be judged for simply asking my ex for money for school uniform because it's just got out of hand this month. But I guess I lost on that one, eh?! I haven't asked him for anything for years but there you go, you play with fire and ask him to face his responsibilities, just once, and fingers are well and truly burnt!

I have a headache from crying all night. Just so scared and sad now. I recognised I was falling apart some weeks ago and have a counselling appointment for this week so hopefully that will help. At least that's not going to cost me for the first few sessions.

Ask your mum for help.
There are just sometimes you just need to ask for short term help & you can always pay her back bit by bit.

You are railing about being the only one responsible but you have to accept that you are.
You cannot make your ex do anything & are just banging your head against a brick wall.

Concentrate your energies on what is achievable & you will progress.

FBaby

Melaniep101 wrote: »

Hi FBaby

Firstly, thank you so much for 'getting' where I was coming from with this issue, and I really appreciate your comments on this thread.

As to whether my stepson knows how much my hubby contributes, I'm not sure it's ever come up in conversation with him to my knowledge. He may well be aware but my husband doesn't talk to him about it as its not for DSS to worry about IYSWIM...

Thank you for your kind words. I was asking because this has been a dilemma for myself for a some years. My kids thought their dad was wonderful, especially after he used to spoil them with all the things they wanted at Chritsmas when he supposedly didn't have enough money to give me even £5 a week... It was really hard not to explain the kids what the real situation was and after speaking to a few people, I started mentioning things in a very matter of fact way when they were a bit older. At first, they were very defensive of him, saying that it wasn't his fault this, his fault that, but now they are 10 and 13, constantly asking for money for this and that, wanting to do activities etc... they realise the implication of me having to pay for everything. I don't say unpleasant things about their dad, just say that as he doesn't provide any financial support I am left with having to balance all the things that cost for them myself. It does help that they now respect me for it.

I personally think your step-son is at an age where things can be explained to him, not in a patronizing way, or trying to undermine his mother, but just to explain that his dad contributes a lot for him to have a decent lifestyle.

Clearingout, my heart goes to you. As said, it WILL get better, it really will. I had moments of breaking down, it is so hard to be a single mum with no help. You get through it day by day, but I promise you you do get appreciation at some point AND a life outside of being just rushed and stressed mummy at some point.

Melaniep101

FBaby wrote: »

Thank you for your kind words. I was asking because this has been a dilemma for myself for a some years. My kids thought their dad was wonderful, especially after he used to spoil them with all the things they wanted at Chritsmas when he supposedly didn't have enough money to give me even £5 a week... It was really hard not to explain the kids what the real situation was and after speaking to a few people, I started mentioning things in a very matter of fact way when they were a bit older. At first, they were very defensive of him, saying that it wasn't his fault this, his fault that, but now they are 10 and 13, constantly asking for money for this and that, wanting to do activities etc... they realise the implication of me having to pay for everything. I don't say unpleasant things about their dad, just say that as he doesn't provide any financial support I am left with having to balance all the things that cost for them myself. It does help that they now respect me for it.

I personally think your step-son is at an age where things can be explained to him, not in a patronizing way, or trying to undermine his mother, but just to explain that his dad contributes a lot for him to have a decent lifestyle.

Clearingout, my heart goes to you. As said, it WILL get better, it really will. I had moments of breaking down, it is so hard to be a single mum with no help. You get through it day by day, but I promise you you do get appreciation at some point AND a life outside of being just rushed and stressed mummy at some point.

Yes I see what you mean about explaining things to him about his dad's contributions. He is getting to an age where he could understand, but he's not really mature enough to take it on board as yet. He's a sensitive boy, so we're very careful not to upset the applecart with him, and we worry that he's been through enough, so burdening him with adult problems will not help in his case.

I had the same with my daughter, her dad would occasionally make a grand gesture when it suited him, like buying an expensive present for her, despite never helping me with support. For a lot of years, I was "bad cop", I was the disciplinarian, the person who made her do her homework, the person who grounded her, the person who never bought her what she wanted. He on the other hand could come in and out of her life when it pleased him, tried to buy her affection, then promptly disappeared again. She understands it all now, over the years, he's let her down so many times, she never takes him seriously any more. He can't take any credit for what a wonderful, clever, funny, beautiful and hardworking girl she is (even though she drives me nuts most of the time!).

maman

[QUOTE=tinkerbell28;62937943
Can't you phone a helpline to speak to someone properly? The Samaritans, Gingerbread, etc, someone just to get it all out with.[/QUOTE]

Try this clearingout.

http://www.teachersupport.info/get-support/phone

And meantime, talk to your mum. I have a DD in much your situation and I'd be so saddened if she didn't come to me for help if she needed it.

FBaby

Melaniep101 wrote: »

Yes I see what you mean about explaining things to him about his dad's contributions. He is getting to an age where he could understand, but he's not really mature enough to take it on board as yet. He's a sensitive boy, so we're very careful not to upset the applecart with him, and we worry that he's been through enough, so burdening him with adult problems will not help in his case.

It is a difficult decision to make. In my case, I have chosen to be very opened about discussing financial matters with my children. We talked about what insurance was about when they were 5 and 8, discussed what a mortgage meant, and why it was important to budget, look for good deals at the supermarket etc... so that discussion was more in line with this approach then one of mummy against daddy one.

At 10 and 13, I am finding that costs are increasing significantly. They do more activities, need new kit, need more money for school trips, buying birthday presents for friends (which number has grown over the years!), and clothing for my eldest is now adult prices and that's a significant change. I don't want to them to feel guilty in any way, but I do think it is important that they realise that bringing up a child is about love, attention, affection, but also about money.

FBaby

My children are still 'single mum, benefit scum' in the school playground and they don't deserve that.

You've mentioned this quite a lot over the months (years?) and as you know, my experience as a single mum was completely different to this. YOu are now a single full-time working mum, so don't understand the attitude. Does this mean that not one of them claim tax credits?

If parents have such attitude, the children are likely to have the same. I certainly wouldn't want my kids to be educated in such an environment. Since you seem to be a breaking point, if you don't think it is a short term crisis, maybe feeling worse as it is end of holidays and expensive period, wouldn't you and your family be better off selling your house and moving to a less expensive areas where people are not such snobs and where you might realise that you are not an alien but a normal mum supporting her children like many others do and you should feel proud of what you are accomplishing rather than judge. All the single mums I know in my area (or who were at some point) work full or part time (mainly full-time) and their kids are usually the most well behaved and hard working ones at school so their are highly considered and respected.

foolofbeans

emsywoo123 wrote: »

I am a single parent who works (yes, I therefore get tax credits etc) but I'd give up my benefits in a heartbeat if my kids father stepped up to be even half the dad mine is. My memories of childhood are not of flashy cash moments, but dad taking me to the park or beach, and no money "thrown" at me can replace the sadness I have that my kids won't have those memories.
While I take on board your thoughts, it's not all about the money. How very un-MSE of me.

Absolutel it's not about the money. I was just stating my situation in response to the OP's question as I do believe the PWC should have more than enough income to cover her child's uniform.

In an ideal world all children would have 2 good parents living with them but that doesn't happen IRL.
I do remember how hard it is to be the sole provider and carer for children and I would hope in OP's case the PWC is not still bitter about being in that situation particularly as she chose it herself and many years have passed so she should have been able to move on somewhat.

Melaniep101

FBaby wrote: »

It is a difficult decision to make. In my case, I have chosen to be very opened about discussing financial matters with my children. We talked about what insurance was about when they were 5 and 8, discussed what a mortgage meant, and why it was important to budget, look for good deals at the supermarket etc... so that discussion was more in line with this approach then one of mummy against daddy one.

At 10 and 13, I am finding that costs are increasing significantly. They do more activities, need new kit, need more money for school trips, buying birthday presents for friends (which number has grown over the years!), and clothing for my eldest is now adult prices and that's a significant change. I don't want to them to feel guilty in any way, but I do think it is important that they realise that bringing up a child is about love, attention, affection, but also about money.

You're absolutely right, kids should be taught about finances, how to budget etc. My daughter has grown up with me budgeting, stretching meals, finding the best deals and making do so I'm confident she'll cope well when she heads off to Uni in September. It's different with DSS though as we have him every fortnight so he doesn't see the day to day finances, the only thing he does know is that we never pay full price for a Dominos on a Saturday night. Perhaps it is time we start introducing him to how it all works...

Thanks FBaby - that's food for thought...

Pollycat

Melanie
going back to the original subject of your thread, do you think your OH would feel comfortable asking his ex to give more notice if she is intending asking for an additional contribution on top of the regular child maintenance?

Melaniep101

Pollycat wrote: »

Melanie
going back to the original subject of your thread, do you think your OH would feel comfortable asking his ex to give more notice if she is intending asking for an additional contribution on top of the regular child maintenance?

I'm not sure whether comfortable would be the right word... But I do agree, he needs to be clear that we need more notice in future. It's come at a bit of a bad time financially for us, so whereas normally it wouldn't be a problem, it's got us on the backfoot.

We will have to be clear that we can't keep handing over ad hoc payments, whilst we don't mind so much in an emergency situation, she needs to budget her money like everyone else.