Husband's ex wife wanting more money

paulineb_2

Melaniep101 wrote: »

Clearingout, I hope this doesn't come across as patronising, as it really isn't meant that way, but I promise you that things WILL get better. I've been there, and at the time there didn't seem any light at the end of the tunnel, but you have to keep picking yourself up and dusting yourself off. When my daughter was 2 and a half, we were homeless, and spent the best part of a year staying at friends houses. Her father had long since moved on and had washed his hands of his daughter. I watched bailiffs come and change the locks on my house and take most of what we owned. It's been a long haul, and I've made many many sacrifices, and worked many awful jobs to make sure she had somewhere to sleep, dinner on the table and clothes on her back. But we got through it, and you'll get through it.

I hope things get better for you very soon x

I think, given the can of worms that has been opened up on this thread, youve done really well to respond to people the way you have done

Im sorry for anyone going through tough times, my family have gone through plenty, Ive spoken about my mums experiences with her second husband on other threads (she took a short break from teaching when I was younger) and she ended up in a violent relationship with someone who physically and mentally abused, her, he drank and gambled and he tried to kill her and my brother because he wrongly thought she had inherited money when her dad died. Turned the gas taps on the cooker on and was only because my gran popped in by chance that a disaster didnt happen.

And for those couple of years when she was married to my stepdad we literally had nothing, because he drank and gambled it away

But we got through, sometimes you dont think you are going to get through the worst of times, but you do somehow

And that goes for all of us on these forums, regardless of whether they have kids or not

Im sorry for anyone going through tough times, been through plenty myself

Regardless of whether Ive agreed or disagreed with anyone on this thread, Id wish hard times on no one.

tinkerbell28

With regards to the opening post, which is about money and the recent posts about it not being about money.

I agree, as in, who really wants a single parent life, truthfully. I'm sure most would love a settled two parent family to take the flack sometimes and share the responsibility, if you like. It can be tough.

Money doesn't compensate for that, no it doesn't. But society does through top ups, account for the fact only one parent is mainly supporting the children. It should always be the way in a civilised society. The crux of ops issues, is the fact that despite people making her out to be money grabbing 2nd wife and the ex hard done by single mum. Is she having it that hard money wise?

She won't be having it hard financially with such a small mortgage, top ups, wages and good maintenance. If she is, something is wrong. Either overspending or debt, which he shouldn't be paying for. No money can't compensate for it. But using him as a walking cash machine, and not dressing her child in decent clothes, is that not what she is doing? Using money as her "compensation". By no means will she be skint through lack of her ex paying for his child and doing his best. So he's right to be concerned where the money is going, so is op.

Ironically the less well off in this country at the moment are the working poor. Who are just above the threshold for help, with 1 or 2 children. But still have market average rents to pay of £800 odd depending on location, food, fuel, uniforms, all with no help. Those are the really skint if you read up on it. With no one to go to for help, bar food banks.

Not all ex's are saints, many use children as leverage and for more cash. Not all 2nd wives are saints.

I do think op has responded collectively, considering some of the vitriol aimed at her in this thread.

If people aren't coping seek help from anywhere you can, like others it's a forum, I very much doubt anyone would wish hard times on anyone, nor feel no compassion at all.

MrsAtobe

clearingout wrote: »

I am sorry. I am a single mother with responsibilities I never asked for and his has hit a huge nerve. I am at breaking point and can no longer manage. There is only so much I can take.

Then why don't you start your own thread, asking for help, rather than having a go at the OP and other posters?

clearingout

Melaniep101 wrote: »

Clearingout, I hope this doesn't come across as patronising, as it really isn't meant that way, but I promise you that things WILL get better. I've been there, and at the time there didn't seem any light at the end of the tunnel, but you have to keep picking yourself up and dusting yourself off. When my daughter was 2 and a half, we were homeless, and spent the best part of a year staying at friends houses. Her father had long since moved on and had washed his hands of his daughter. I watched bailiffs come and change the locks on my house and take most of what we owned. It's been a long haul, and I've made many many sacrifices, and worked many awful jobs to make sure she had somewhere to sleep, dinner on the table and clothes on her back. But we got through it, and you'll get through it.

I hope things get better for you very soon x

there is no one there to help me out when things get tough - my ex and his latest partner will do nothing to help out. Happy to drive past my home 10 times a night, but not do anything useful. I don't know how I'm going to manage the next few months. I really feel I will lose my job. I can't just magic this money out of nowhere and I have committed what money I have to replacing the 40 year old boiler in my home - work starts on Tuesday, too late to cancel (and it needs doing). Just can't do it anymore.

msb5262

Sorry to hear you're feeling so low clearingout.

I also hope things improve for you very soon...I don't know if anyone reading this knows of any charities or trusts which might help you out? Whereabouts are you?

MsB

clearingout

msb5262 wrote: »

Sorry to hear you're feeling so low clearingout.

I also hope things improve for youvery soon...I don't know if anyone reading this knows of any charities or trusts which might help you out? Whereabouts are you?

MsB

thank you. I am just on the verge of giving up. Nothing is ever good enough and then I find myself second guessed by people who just don't have a clue. It drives me insane that people think they know how much money we must have and believe they understand what my financial commitments are. There are so many things that I need to pay for - as a matter of urgency and although I have saved and saved it just won't pay for everything. I went without for years and have managed to buy myself a few things this year and now just feel guilty and those 'but you need to learn how to budget' words just echoing around my head. I do nothing but budget! I have worked so very hard to get back on my feet and for the most part have been successful but it feels that it's never enough. My children are still 'single mum, benefit scum' in the school playground and they don't deserve that. My job has been a lifeline, it made me a person again for a part of the day, someone who is respected and is allowed an opinion. I am not the 'single mum benefit scum' at work, but I am treated like that by so many people the rest of the time. Or that is how it feels.

My mum will help me out if I ask her but I really thought I was in a position where I didn't have to do that anymore. It's so very wrong to take from her at her stage of life, even though I know she doesn't begrudge it me and it's not making her go without. I just want to stop feeling entirely responsible in every which way for children that have two parents, not one. To not be judged for making by all and sundry for making the best decisions I can. Nor do I want to be judged for simply asking my ex for money for school uniform because it's just got out of hand this month. But I guess I lost on that one, eh?! I haven't asked him for anything for years but there you go, you play with fire and ask him to face his responsibilities, just once, and fingers are well and truly burnt!

I have a headache from crying all night. Just so scared and sad now. I recognised I was falling apart some weeks ago and have a counselling appointment for this week so hopefully that will help. At least that's not going to cost me for the first few sessions.

tinkerbell28

Clearing out, I think you need to make your own thread. Or maybe phone someone. There has been a LOT of unjustified projecting of people's issues, unfairly on to op.

The thing is, this thread isn't about you, no one is judging you. You are the only one who has turned it on you, or using words like benefit scum. Or saying things, people just have not said about you. This is about op. The PWC in this instance, does get an awful lot of support. The situation is different.

I believe some people challenged you, because you became quite abusive.

If you can't differentiate that people were not attacking you, when replying to the op and then saying the ex in this instance is being cheeky, thus you keep getting upset. It would be better to close the thread.

I mean that nicely. It is the Internet, words get twisted. People seem a master of it on here........people ranting and raving will tend to find people challenge them on it. For you none of that matters click the X close it down and walk away.

I honestly have always said this. I think when people are fragile, the Internet is a bad place to be. You'll always get people who upset you, or don't share your opinion, to the down right nasty. Most of it wont effect you if you feel ok, for someone who does not, it will. It is never ever a good thing to be pouring your heart out for it to be on the www forever more. Forums especially, you will always meet people who have differing opinions, experience, ways of writing. That is the beauty of forums. If however threads which are not anything to do with you, but you see it as that, and it is making you so upset, leave it be. Turn it off. I'd say a break from the thread at least? Make a chat thread, make a support thread. No good for you will come from this thread, as it was turned into an anti 2nd wife thread from the start by some. You drew parallels and made it about you, you still are. People were not talking about you. The situation is entirely different. Others were doing the same, putting words into peoples mouths, actually making things up and twisting it all with completely different situations. Upping the anti and probably your anger even more. Half the thing op has supposedly said, she didn't. It is toxic.

Can't you phone a helpline to speak to someone properly? The Samaritans, Gingerbread, etc, someone just to get it all out with.

msb5262

clearingout - I've pm'd you.

duchy

Sorry I am going to go off topic but I do think it is important. Clearing out have you looked at the warm front scheme..... I know some of the rules have changed but you may still qualify.

As for the rest of it. When a relationship ends and you are left with a vastly different income, trying to keep positive for the kids, working and at the same time coping with the end of what you thought would be a lifelong partnership it is damn tough but I absolutely promise you it does get better. If you don't have friends who get it ...check out Gingerbread locally for moral support. But remember nothing in life stays the same ...you will move on and things WILL get easier. If you think you need a short term prop from your doctor. Get it there is no shame in finding things tough. Try to change on to the thought things DO change again and for the better and when they do you'll look back and marvel at what you managed to do and wonder how the heck you did it....but we find the strength somehow....we're mothers it is what we do.

FatVonD

clearingout wrote: »

thank you. I am just on the verge of giving up. Nothing is ever good enough and then I find myself second guessed by people who just don't have a clue. It drives me insane that people think they know how much money we must have and believe they understand what my financial commitments are. There are so many things that I need to pay for - as a matter of urgency and although I have saved and saved it just won't pay for everything. I went without for years and have managed to buy myself a few things this year and now just feel guilty and those 'but you need to learn how to budget' words just echoing around my head. I do nothing but budget! I have worked so very hard to get back on my feet and for the most part have been successful but it feels that it's never enough. My children are still 'single mum, benefit scum' in the school playground and they don't deserve that. My job has been a lifeline, it made me a person again for a part of the day, someone who is respected and is allowed an opinion. I am not the 'single mum benefit scum' at work, but I am treated like that by so many people the rest of the time. Or that is how it feels.

My mum will help me out if I ask her but I really thought I was in a position where I didn't have to do that anymore. It's so very wrong to take from her at her stage of life, even though I know she doesn't begrudge it me and it's not making her go without. I just want to stop feeling entirely responsible in every which way for children that have two parents, not one. To not be judged for making by all and sundry for making the best decisions I can. Nor do I want to be judged for simply asking my ex for money for school uniform because it's just got out of hand this month. But I guess I lost on that one, eh?! I haven't asked him for anything for years but there you go, you play with fire and ask him to face his responsibilities, just once, and fingers are well and truly burnt!

I have a headache from crying all night. Just so scared and sad now. I recognised I was falling apart some weeks ago and have a counselling appointment for this week so hopefully that will help. At least that's not going to cost me for the first few sessions.

I'm not normally a very tactile person, cyber or otherwise, but sending you *hugs*

However organised you are, life can always throw you a financial curveball, it happens to all of us so don't be blaming yourself. I earn an okayish salary and am pretty frugal but I'm confined to the house for the bank holiday weekend because I had a hefty tax bill to pay last month and it's not payday until Tuesday :eek:

I think you should ask your mum for help, I know that whatever age my son was if he needed help and I was in a position to give it I would do it in an instant and I'm sure most parents feel the same.

I wish you luck with your counselling. I have only ever been once but it was bloomin' cathartic, I think I was a therapist's dream, I was blubbing within minutes I couldn't afford to go again but if I had spare cash that's where it would go.