To tell or not to tell?

aileth

Let's put it another way in a different situation still involving food. My mum rings me up, "Would you like to go for dinner at X?" "Oh yeah that's great."

Turn up for the dinner, brilliant food, wine, good evening. Dad asks for the bill and when it arrives passes it to me and says I'm paying with no prior warning. Ok? No way!!! I have always followed the belief that if someone invites you over/out, they are footing the bill unless discussed otherwise beforehand. They invite you, they know they can afford it as they are inviting you, easy.

BugglyB

I do think that if it makes your husband uncomfortable to say that you can't afford things then you should respect that and be willing to go along with little white lies, eg, we have already eaten, whatever.

I would suggest that to him as a compromise - you won't tell people about your financial situation, as long as he doesnt allow his embarassment about your financial situation to mean you end up spending extra money without discussing it.

stevenjhepburn

aileth wrote: »

Let's put it another way in a different situation still involving food. My mum rings me up, "Would you like to go for dinner at X?" "Oh yeah that's great."

Turn up for the dinner, brilliant food, wine, good evening. Dad asks for the bill and when it arrives passes it to me and says I'm paying with no prior warning. Ok? No way!!! I have always followed the belief that if someone invites you over/out, they are footing the bill unless discussed otherwise beforehand. They invite you, they know they can afford it as they are inviting you, easy.

Change your situation to Bill Gates inviting his billionaire friend out for dinner. Who pays? It doesn't really matter. The £100, £1,000, £10,000 is almost nothing to them.

If his billionaire friend then loses all of his money in the stock market but doesn't tell Bill, is it rude of Bill to invite him out and still not care who picks up the tab? I would say no because it has been normal for them and poor Billy doesn't know that anything has changed.

Any

stevenjhepburn wrote: »

Change your situation to Bill Gates inviting his billionaire friend out for dinner. Who pays? It doesn't really matter. The £100, £1,000, £10,000 is almost nothing to them.

If his billionaire friend then loses all of his money in the stock market but doesn't tell Bill, is it rude of Bill to invite him out and still not care who picks up the tab? I would say no because it has been normal for them and poor Billy doesn't know that anything has changed.

I happen to know few people who are worth £10m+ and I can guarantee you that they still have tabs on who pays what...
It might be a lot larger bills, it might be once you once me etc, and it can be kind of by sixth sense felt whos term it is to pay, but they do know.

There is no "it doesn't matter who pays, I have soooo much I cannot care less" attitude...
Just because they have it, they don't flounce it around for everyone..

victory

hot.chick wrote: »

Might not be old style - feel free to move me!

Do you keep your lack of funds a secret or are you open about it?

Hubby gets embarrassed when I say we can't afford to do something like an event or a meal, but I feel that if I'm honest with people we won't have expectations like buying meal etc...

We were recently invited over to familys house and they just said & can you pick up a chinese on the way - for 5 people!!! And hubby just said yes - and there was no offer of chipping in for the cost...

People seem to get the impression that we are 'rich' as the Mr runs his own buissness - but they don't see me eekking out packed lunches & selling old clothes to make ends meet.

just wanted to see how others approached this situation.

5 people? Wow , I would have said like you can't afford it unless we all chip in, I reckon more and more people its the norm these days to discuss skintness / strapped for cash, it really isn't as taboo as it was, there's no need to go into figures but the usual' a bit low on funds until the end of the month/ pay day' usually surfices

FatVonD

I'm more like the OP, I'm happy to tell anyone and everyone that I'm skint but it's only been in the last year or so I've told my mum and dad, my mum thought I was minted because in the past I've had well paying jobs. My dad has always been a bit more clued up about how tough it can be but they're very much of the type where the man paid the bills and the woman had pocket money.

Before I had my son I squandered money, I'd rather be out of pocket than be embarrassed at missing someone out of a round because they never bought a round themselves but those days are long gone!

MrsE_2

hot.chick wrote: »

in fairness being THIS tight isn't the norm and if the money was there picking up a chinese wouldn't be a problem we would do it gladly

On the flip side it was The Mr's MUM & it wouldn't enter her head that we would be short of funds - as he would never tell her.

I think she would be mortified that she had left us short - and this is part of why I think he should have said something - people don't realise they are putting you in a situation if your not honest with them.

She lives abroad and is always asking us to visit & I think she assumes that there's something wrong as we just cant afford it but I don't think he's told her - honesty would resolve all of the assumptions and possible hurt by not visiting?

Yes, its far better to be honest rather than people assuming your are being rude or offish.
Mind you some people still don't "get it", my sister is very comfortable & my circumstances have changed as I now live alone & run a home on one wage. If I say I can't afford to do something, her response is often a roll eyes & "its only........" obviously thinking I cant possibly not be able to afford it.

rosierosierosie

I'm always open but quite light-hearted about my finances - if I'm asked to do something I can't afford I'll often make a joke like "I've already spent too much money on clothes this month, tut tut" etc (or something along those lines) so that it's not all doom and gloom and I'm poking fun at the situation.

I think the more open you are, the easier it will be for people to understand.

Alternatively, you can suggest other activities. For example, instead of ordering a takeaway, why not offer for everyone to cook a course each at someones house? There are some really great budget recipes out there that you could utilise. Or suggest people bringing over a few samples for their DVD collection for a movie night at home rather than going to the cinema - that way you may get to see films you haven't yet watched and you get to socialise with your friends too without breaking the bank.

loracan1

I don't think it matters if they think you're minted or not - asking someone to pick up a takeaway and expecting them to pay for it and not offering recompense is free-loading. They should be embarrassed not yourselves.

Mr_Toad

Hmm.

It's interesting to read other people's views on this. As it happens one of my friends picked up the tab for a Chinese takeaway on Sunday night. Last week a group of us went for a curry and I picked up the bill for everyone.

There's no hard and fast rule but for all of us £40 or £50 is fairly small change while to others it's a lot of money. To be honest the only person to blame is the OPs hubby for keeping it quiet, how are the others to know?

Every so often one of my crowd has cash flow problems for one reason or another but they always say.