To tell or not to tell?

stevenjhepburn

Any wrote: »

Eh? You take something without asking if it is O.k., just assuming that you have right to their wealth and you think there is any excuse? Weird.

The OP didn't have the money - but someone assumed it is o.k. to take it off them.

Well, I was brought up differently.. Even my mother wouldn't just assume that I can pay her bills and just present them to me.

I'm saying that in their circumstances/situation it may be considered normal. The OP even said that before money was tight they would have done so without a second thought. Therefore if they don't know that the money situation has changed then they may not be being rude or inconsiderate.

That's not to say that your situation or my situation or any other situation is the same. But to automatically label them as rude without knowing anything else is very narrow minded.

Edit: this was posted after your edit above.

stevenjhepburn

Any wrote: »

Now I read it was OP's OH's mother...
Perhaps missuse was too hard a word. I would now replace it with thoughtless.

I would agree with thoughtless, but not in a bad way. Just in a way that it seems like the family haven't had to think about £40 on Chinese in the past and due to lack of communication from the husband they still have no idea that they should think about it now.

Any

stevenjhepburn wrote: »

I would agree with thoughtless, but not in a bad way. Just in a way that it seems like the family haven't had to think about £40 on Chinese in the past and due to lack of communication from the husband they still have no idea that they should think about it now.

Hmmm...
I know where you are coming from... though manners apply even in a family.

I would be horrified too if I found out I got anyone into this situation.

I just cannot see why would you need to come out and tell that you are skinned to anyone, if you didn't want to. Embarassing even when not your fault.

paulineb_2

Im skint, its no secret, one of my friends that I socialise with the most is as skint as me, there are other people I see now and then who have a lot more money than me and I opt in and out of nights out depending on my finances at that time.

We are living in tough economic times, a lot of people dont have spare cash. Ive had a lot more cash than I have right now, Ive never been rich but Im poorer now than Ive been in some time.

But apart from having to bail out of the odd night out, it doesnt impact my life too much, Im much happier than I was when I was earning 4 times what I am now.

Owning up to being a bit strapped for cash, not a big deal in my opinion.

Gigglepig

I think is situation is a bit different from just beeing cash strapped, because it involves family/in laws. OP and her partner need to discuss/agree how much money is available for being generous with family on both sides.

I also think it is a bit sad if you need to hide from your family that you are on a tight budget, but saying that it is also a matter of privacy and pride.

If it is important for OP's partner to be generous with family, perhaps you an look for ways together to how to do it within your means - say next time, bring a big, home made cake/salad bowl/wine bottle to the family gathering, or set aside money for takeaways etc.

paulineb_2

Gigglepig wrote: »

I think is situation is a bit different from just beeing cash strapped, because it involves family/in laws. OP and her partner need to discuss/agree how much money is available for being generous with family on both sides.

I also think it is a bit sad if you need to hide from your family that you are on a tight budget, but saying that it is also a matter of privacy and pride.

If it is important for OP's partner to be generous with family, perhaps you an look for ways together to how to do it within your means - say next time, bring a big, home made cake/salad bowl/wine bottle to the family gathering, or set aside money for takeaways etc.

Although if people did say how tight things were financially, they wouldnt be expected to be generous, hopefully not.

How much would a chinese meal for 5 people cost £25-40?
Or more. This is the problem. If they knew you were tight for funds you wouldnt have been asked.

Dont tell them and you set yourself up for more of this. I wouldnt be putting aside money to pay for anyones takeaway. Id rather cook someone a meal for a fraction of the price.

They are making a rod for their own backs if they allow the in laws to believe they have much more disposable income than they actually have.

aileth

I have friends who very much live on the breadline, both made redundant, unexpected baby on the way. They have max £50 a week for everything.

I work, I make a fairly average wage, as does my OH. They think we are loaded, and I mean LOADED. They talk about how rich we are etc. What they don't know is that all together we have at least 3/4 of our wages going on our mortgage, our car (which oh needs for work), bills, council tax, etc etc, various debts, and actually by the end of it we are about as well off as they are, some months are better, some aren't.

We try and politely 'suggest' that we really aren't well off, they don't believe us, "Yeah but you have a house and you get to have a car, we can't have that...", etc etc. We don't want to talk about our finances, but some people will dig and dig. We can't have a conversation without them prying or guilt tripping and it's actually making us not want to see or talk to them, sad as it is.

We have NEVER brought up our situation, never talked to them about it whatsoever, they have taken it upon themselves to talk about it and make comment themselves.

I think maybe a polite word with them, explaining how things are tight, would work. But then again, you might get the situation which I have, where, "Oh you can't be too bad off, you have X, Y and Z."

Edit: Or in your situation, "They can't be too bad off, they have X, Y and Z. They can afford to get us a chinese." I do think it's assuming a lot for them to ask you to put up a chinese for five and offer to put no money in. If we did this, the first thing that would happen when we arrived would be the sound of everyone whipping their wallets out to chip in.

choir-girl

I'd be tempted to ring up and say, what sort of budget do you have in mind for the chinese, then we can sort out the money when we've eaten!!

Crystallady

hot.chick wrote: »

We were recently invited over to familys house and they just said & can you pick up a chinese on the way - for 5 people!!! And hubby just said yes - and there was no offer of chipping in for the cost...

People seem to get the impression that we are 'rich' as the Mr runs his own buissness - but they don't see me eekking out packed lunches & selling old clothes to make ends meet.

just wanted to see how others approached this situation.

I think it was very rude of the family member to ask you to do this without confirming they would pay for the food - regardless of whether you could afford to pay. What a cheek to invite someone to your house and then tell /ask them to supply the food for everyone !
Everyone seems to think we are well off but I budget for everything and shop online for bargains. Yes we have some savings but that's because I worked full time for 35years and budgeted hard and saved throughout that time. I only buy clothes and shoes in the sales (and I don't mean posh high street shop sales) and I save every month for things like Car Tax & Insurance and Christmas.
No-one should be embarrassed to say "sorry we can't afford it " and remember the people who matter won't mind and the people who mind don't matter.

fashionlover10

I'm always pretty open about the fact that we're not exactly rich. I'd rather tell someone we can't afford to do something than worry about how I'm going to manage to pay for it.

I don't feel that being skint is a reflection of us as a couple, it's just the situation we happen to currently be in, so I don't worry about what people might think.