To tell or not to tell?

hot.chick

Might not be old style - feel free to move me!

Do you keep your lack of funds a secret or are you open about it?

Hubby gets embarrassed when I say we can't afford to do something like an event or a meal, but I feel that if I'm honest with people we won't have expectations like buying meal etc...

We were recently invited over to familys house and they just said & can you pick up a chinese on the way - for 5 people!!! And hubby just said yes - and there was no offer of chipping in for the cost...

People seem to get the impression that we are 'rich' as the Mr runs his own buissness - but they don't see me eekking out packed lunches & selling old clothes to make ends meet.

just wanted to see how others approached this situation.

double_mummy

' of course i will i do love a good chinese you do all have the cash waiting for me when i get there right?'

'im really sorry i cant afford it i dont mind coming to yours collecting all the money and bringing it back'

'sorry i dont have enough money to pay for that amount'

'i dont fancy a chinese tonight i would rather waste my money on something i enjoy'

etc

hot.chick

I'd have just said - Sorry we can't afford it we'll eat before we come

But The Mr just says YES - no problem - rather than ask for a contribution or mention it at all.

He said he hates it that I'm open about it - I guess I'm not embarrassed - it's nothing to be 'ashamed of' it's just our current state of affairs.

LutonGirl

I will always say if I'm financially embarrassed and can't afford to join in on an event / meal out or whatever. It's then quite eye-opening to see who amongst my seemingly more affluent friends will also say "actually, yes, I'm a bit skint till payday...".

kboss2010

I recently left my job and went back to uni. I still work there part-time but have often refused invites to nights out because I'm skint. Even when I go I don't join in rounds. It helps that there are a few people I work with who are also lacking in funds (there's a HUGE wage gap between one team and the other because it's banking) so everyone is usually fine. The higher paid people know that they earn a lot more, although I'm not sure the lower paid ones know just how much more. I only know because I've done both jobs at different stages.

I used to know someone who wasn't allowed to discuss their salary with colleagues. To me, that is wrong. It allows companies to pay people different amounts unfairly (and sometimes even illegally) and because no one can discuss it, no one will ever find out.

A famous case of this was Gillian Anderson whilst working on the X-Files. Her co-star David Duchovny did the same number of hours/episodes as her, had the same billing and was no more famous when he started than she was yet he was being paid vastly more money. When she found out, quite rightly, she threatened legal action so they matched their pay.

I don't have a problem discussing finances with people, probably because I've worked in finance and witnessed the dangers of trying to "Keep Up With The Jones'", whatever the outcome, but it's a difficult one. Some people believe it's impolite, others just get embarrassed. My OH's parents were shocked when I told them I shop in charity shops and £land for things. They're always buying us beautiful, expensive things and I'm very grateful for their generosity but I personally can't afford to spend £40 on a t-shirt, £180 on a winter coat or spend an extra £200 on the same tv from JL instead of Amazon because of the "peace of mind and a 5-year guarantee" (actually happened lol) and I don't hide that fact.

If you care what other people think of your financial status as an extension of your personality I can see the point of hiding it. In business it's always about "image".

I'm lucky, my career plan is to go into science where everyone wears jeans and t-shirt to work. Personally if my friends cared so much about my lack of extra-curricular funds, I would just find new friends.

Like Lutongirl says, if you're the first to speak up, you will be surprised at how many people are in the same boat but were too embarrassed to say anything!

kezlou

They are very few people i'm open with regarding finances.Luckily i have three really really good friends who i cn talk to about it. One of them is also a member of this forum.

With other people i just keep my finances to my self, and i makee excuses like sorry i were busy that day.

My partner runs a plumbing business, but as yet we can't afford to take wages from or we would bankrupt ourselves.
Instead its surviving off tax credits every month to survive. People think were loaded, but no were not.

hot.chick

It actually annoys me that people think we are rich - I have no idea why - but it grates on me - I think coz I struggle so much and they have no appreciation of that and think everything is handed to us on a silver platter.

gggrrrrr

I wonder if upbringing has any baring on how people feel about 'sharing' this info?

We were always skint when I was young so it's just how it was for me - but The Mr had quite a different exp - several foreign holidays a yr & boarded at a private school - so this is not a situation he is comfortable with at all.

It's interesting to see different views already.

stevenjhepburn

As a married couple I believe you should show a united front to the rest of the world.

That doesn't mean that one of you is right and the other is wrong though. Your husband's freedom with money is contributing to your financial problems. Your freedom with discussing money problems is hurting your husband's pride.

Take it all the way back to step one - do you share money/debt/saving goals? Do you have a budget? Just how tight are things for you - are you getting out of debt? Just keeping your head above water? Or do you have 6 months of outgoings in a savings account?

If you have a budget (or once you create one), how much is allocated to each of you for 'luxuries' (like takeaways)? If your husband is overspending this luxury budget (if you even have room for it in your overall budget that is!) then you have to speak to him about it. However the conversation should be about him overspending the budget that you both agreed on because you are both trying to meet your financial goals. It shouldn't be 'you shouldn't spend that', 'yes I should', 'no you shouldn't'...

Any

I think men feel about these things differently... My OH hates any talk about finances with anyone - including his own family.

I am much more opened... Last month I said I don't want to do something as funds are short - yesterday he said how come we can have this when we are skinned - I said it is the next payday??
Why spend more then you have in one month? Budget once gone is gone. He has no idea.

Though someone asking to pick up 5 chinese meals and then not give you the money - how rude is that?? Sorry, that has absolutely nothing to do whether you are opened about money - these people openly missused you...

OrkneyStar

Regarding the meal, I would have said 'sure that's fine, can you work out how much everyone owes for their meal though please?'. Makes it clear you are happy to pick up but that it is not a gift from you! Whether rich or poor, it isn't up to someone else to assume you are paying, how much money you have doesn't need to come in to it really.
In general, I make it clear that I have a budget, partly as we are not rich, but partly as I/we like to decide (within reason) what our monthly budget will go towards. We save for emergencies as well as having mortgage, electricity food, car, and so on, pots (won't list them all as that might take a while ).

stevenjhepburn

Any wrote: »

Though someone asking to pick up 5 chinese meals and then not give you the money - how rude is that?? Sorry, that has absolutely nothing to do whether you are opened about money - these people openly missused you...

I think it's very unfair to assume rudeness and mistreatment from one example. You have no idea if this is a regular thing, if it is reciprocated, if the general family circumstances mean that £40 is not a big deal (and the OP's husband's refusal to talk about money being tight may mean the don't recognise that).

Money is tight for me now but I have no qualms picking up some milk or bread or whatever for family members and not worry if I don't get the money back for it. They would (and do) the same for me too. To some people £40 on takeaways is the equivalent to my £1 on some milk.