Ruined before it has even began!

sassyblue

And all this because of 'if' the cousin couldn't get a babysitter! The mind boggles, l would have the party exactly how you planned.

catkins

Childfree wrote: »

Nothing, or she will keep ringing him or she will ring me. My phone is on silent so I will just ignore it!

When OH was on speaking terms with his parents we used to get this all the time. Our home phone has caller display so often we would not answer if their number came up. They would then ring his mobile and if no answer mine. This would just go on and on. One day they rang all 3 phones over 20 times in an hour. OH rang them in the end thinking it must be important but it wasn't and he just got a load of abuse because he hadn't answered earlier. They would ring him when they knew he would be working and, again, just keep ringing and ringing until he gave up and answered.

I could never understand it because he never got on with either of them really and yet they used to ring almost every day. Even on the days he did answer his phone they would often ring another 3 or 4 times and never for any reason.

We used to get lovely abusive messages left on phones if we didn't answer

aileth

Good luck on the dual-party. Make sure after it you talk emphatically in her presence about how good it was and how you're so much happier you did that instead of a big party.

Prothet_of_Doom

I'm going to pretend to be the husband.....

"Why the F88K did I not have a party again ?"

I'm still waiting for my 30th and 40th but am planning my own 50th as nobody planned the others and you've got to take control of your own party.

BTW - compromise ....Kids til 9 and then it's clothes off, so there'll have to be gone by then...

SingleSue

I didn't have a 30th or 40th either...think the 30th was because I was not particularly impressed to be turning 30 and money was a little tight and the 40th was because just days before my birthday (when a party had been planned), my dad had two major strokes.

I did however, have a big 33rd birthday party, think I had finally got over the shock of being in my 30's by then! :rotfl:

duchy

Ultimately she behaves this way because you let her.

You react every time. You listen to other family members when they tell you she's slagging you off instead of politely but firmly telling them not to tell you as you aren't interested. A ..Oh we'll that's just her......and changing the subject soon gets the message across both to the messengers and back to her.

Uncancel the party if you still want one and act like a 30s couple and not a couple of teenagers needing her permission.....cos that is how she sees you at the moment and you aren't doing anything to change that .....Oh and get your key back

Caroline_a

"I won't feel like having a party if you two don't come, so I won't have one." Partner said

Re-read the OP. This sticks out like a sore thumb to me - your partner is as much to blame as his mother. Surely he should have just said 'ok' if she had said she wasn't coming... if the party was that important to him?

Six of one....

zaksmum

Caroline_a wrote: »

Re-read the OP. This sticks out like a sore thumb to me - your partner is as much to blame as his mother. Surely he should have just said 'ok' if she had said she wasn't coming... if the party was that important to him?

Six of one....

Exactly. The partner is allowing his mother's behaviour instead of standing up to her. He will lose many a relationship over this if he doesn't stop being such a wimpish mammy's boy.

MakeupAddict_2

A lot of things you've written say she isn't a narcissist, she's just a selfish, controlling old bat. And yes, you are enabling that behaviour - a first step is not to get involved, as Duchy says.

I'm curious about your partner's response, though. You quoted him as saying:

"I won't feel like having a party if you two don't come, so I won't have one."

That strikes me as dangerous in two possible ways.

If he genuinely feels like that, then he's playing right into her hands, and it doesn't bode well for having a chance that he'll stand up to her any time soon. It suggests that she's got him right where she wants him, and he still needs Mummy's attention and approval.

If on the other hand he was playing mind games, and despite what you said in the OP, was trying to guilt trip her into coming, then he needs to grow a pair and find a constructive way to deal with her behaviour. Game playing is an attempt to take control of a situation without confronting it head on, and is a form of manipulation. Unfortunately it rarely works in the hands of an amateur player, and especially not when you're playing against an expert, which his mother appears to be. (Children are brilliant at it, but while your partner's response sounds extremely childish, it doesn't work when you're an adult.)

You have a plan to have a good birthday for him together, and I hoe you both really enjoy it. But don't spend it thinking 'this'll show her' and planning what you'll tell her about it, possibly complete with extra detail to make her feel even more out of it. Sit down with partner and formulate a mature plan to manage her place in your life long term.

MuAx

January20

Childfree wrote: »

"I won't feel like having a party if you two don't come, so I won't have one." Partner said.


.

^^This! How old is your partner? 5? He needs to grow up and be able to have party without mummy and daddy! And then your life together will be easier!