insecure man

ostrichnomore_2

OK a bit of tough love tonight then.

I sympathise that he's been hurt, and that he feels a bit low about himself, but he needs to sort his head out and I can't do that for him. He needs to sit and think about his issues/relationships and come to some 'closure'. If he won't/can't, then he's not ready for another relationship yet.Any more drunk self-pitying sessions and he can just take himself home to sleep it off, I'm not listening.

Will still try to boost his self-esteem, that's not his fault and doesn't make him a bad person, and he does respond to it. He's started sticking up for himself with his mum and telling her no, she's wrong about X/Y/Z, which is great!

I agree about the drinking. Usually he's ok, but it's when he's had what I would think is a bit too much that it takes over and he gets all 'tired and emotional', so he can knock that on the head when he's with me, too. If he wants to get squiffy he can save it for his mates and stick to one or two with me.

Thanks for all the advice and different perspectives, it has made me feel a lot firmer about putting a stop to this and being a bit less sympathetic, while still supporting him if he wants to sort it out. If he doesn't want to, then there's no future in this. Which would be a shame as this really is his only proper fault... he suits me down to the ground otherwise.

jayII

If he really only does it when drunk, then just tell him he's destroying the relationship with his drunken self-pity and he needs to decide what is more important to him: you or alcohol.

Errata

I think the difficulty you may be faced with is discovering what benefit he gains from all his woe is me maudlin maunderings. Because he does benefit, that's why he does it.

tinkerbell28

IME men who are like this fall into several categories, if not all.

They really should not drink and have a problem by going too far with it on occasion.

Like the attention from woe is me stuff.

Are setting it up to be more sinister, so you don't feel like you can leave as they are the "victim". Or when you want to go to x with x. They start the stuff like "Oh I'm really down tonight, I don't think I feel comfortable, my ex ran off with someone she met at that restaurant". Or some such drivel.

Not all people I'm sure, but I'd bet a high percentage. I couldn't be doing with it, I think tough love is right...

sassyblue

paulineb wrote: »

Hes expressing how he feels and the OP has said shes witnessed him being put down by a close family member

How on earth is having low self esteem a sign of controlling behaviour

Id like to say that my low self esteem came from having awful relationships with people who were controlling

And yes, people do need to get their head out of their backside and move on, but so far on this thread,hes been accused of losing his cool, which he hadnt, being controlling?

I fail to see someone who cant see good in themselves is controlling.

Well, having suffered low esteem from controlling behaviour is just your experience.

And l didn't say it as a sign of controlling, just for the OP to make sure it doesn't turn into that behaviour.

Control freaks can start with wanting sympathy and having sob stories to make you feel sorry for them.

ellie99

ostrichnomore wrote: »

Hi

. He has a few drinks and gets all 'I'm no good for you' and 'I don't think you are committed to this' and 'why would you want to be with me' and 'I'm going to mess this up' blah blah when I give him no reason to think all that - it's a hangover from being dumped by his last partner.

If a man says "I'm no good for you", I'd believe him. Sometimes men say stuff like that because they don't want the commitment themselves, and making out it's you who's not committed gives them a get-out for if and when they want it.

Even if this isn't the case with your guy, he doesn't sound emotionally healthy...so if he doesn't get over it, your relationship may always be difficult.

From experience, if a guy said "I'm not good enough for you", I'd say OK, and leave...but that's just me, I'm never going to listen to crap from guys again

bagpussbear

Poor guy. Bet he can't believe his luck finding someone nice like you, and his insecurities are eating away at him.

I would support him by encouraging him to get counselling, as I hate to say it, your love alone is never going to be enough to solve his problems.

aileth

ostrichnomore wrote: »

How do you cope/respond when he starts doing this?

Sometimes I give him a big hug and reassure him. Other times I'll be firmer and tell him 'I love you, but stop this'.

I don't see any controlling/nasty side to it - I was married to a controlling/aggressive (not physical but attitude) man years ago and believe me I'd run if I saw that coming. He's fine with me wanting my space and having a few days not seeing him, or going out with my friends, and I've been abroad on holiday twice with friends without him, no problem/jealousy.

I'm going to suggest seeing his GP - he does get rather depressed at times.

Before I understood it, I got really fed up if I'm honest, which didn't help anything. It happened so often it felt like he was attention-seeking, as little things he did pointed that way (For example, he'd be in the other room and make himself cry, and then start sniffing LOUDLY so I'd come in and ask him what's wrong)

But then I thought that maybe it's really a little 'cry for help'. I tend to give him a hug and tell him to stop being daft, and is there anything I can do for him, or if it's near dinnertime I'll cook his favourite dinner, or if it's been a bad week I'll pick up something he really likes on my way home. I have to say I found that the firmer side worked better for him and also trying to get him to laugh while he was in that sort of mindset, but of course some blokes might not react well to a firm hand.

I have to say though, when I seem to 'pity' him more and give him more attention when he's obviously wanting it, nothing really seems to 'improve' as he just does it again and again.

Good luck

aileth

tinkerbell28 wrote: »

IME men who are like this fall into several categories, if not all.

They really should not drink and have a problem by going too far with it on occasion.

When I first met my OH, he would drink until he was on the floor vomiting. He couldn't just have one or two beers, or get tipsy, he would have to get so paraletic you couldn't even take a taxi home as he'd vomit all over it. It really p***ed me off to be honest. Me and his friends told him, as I don't think he realised himself, and nowadays he barely drinks, or when he does drink he knows when to stop.

CH27

paulineb wrote: »

Hes expressing how he feels and the OP has said shes witnessed him being put down by a close family member

How on earth is having low self esteem a sign of controlling behaviour

Id like to say that my low self esteem came from having awful relationships with people who were controlling

And yes, people do need to get their head out of their backside and move on, but so far on this thread,hes been accused of losing his cool, which he hadnt, being controlling?

I fail to see someone who cant see good in themselves is controlling.

Just because it doesn't fit the pattern you experienced doesn't mean it isn't potentially controlling/abusive behaviour.

I'm not good enough for you can be controlling as it's guilt tripping. The OP will work harder to keep him happy & then what's next? Don't see your mum/friend/sister this week as I need you more?

OP do you love him enough to invest time, energy & emotion living this way?