insecure man

ostrichnomore_2

Hi

New man (5 months) is lovely but very insecure and it's starting to get quite irritating, to be honest. He's been hurt in the past and he says it's because of that, but who at our age hasn't been hurt, and we can't keep dragging it into new relationships. Not to mention that my last relationship was a 10 year one that ended very nastily a year ago but I feel that I've moved on, and his was a 2 year relationship that ended 2 years ago but I feel that he hasn't really moved on. Not in the sense that he still wants to be with her, but that he lets it effect his self-esteem and makes him paranoid/insecure still this time round.

I probably sound rather unsympathetic, I know to some extent he can't help it, but I also think it's time he got a grip! At the weekend we were having a special romantic night in, big effort from me, dressing up, dinner etc, snuggling on the sofa etc and he suddenly started in with all the questions and doubts again. It upset me that he ruined that moment and I'm now thinking am I always going to have to deal with this !!!!!?

I do love him but he doesn't really believe me. He has a few drinks and gets all 'I'm no good for you' and 'I don't think you are committed to this' and 'why would you want to be with me' and 'I'm going to mess this up' blah blah when I give him no reason to think all that - it's a hangover from being dumped by his last partner.

He's obviously not got his head sorted out from last time round. He just says he did nothing wrong and it wasn't his fault and I don't think that's possible - it's always two to tango. But in any case, he needs to get over it.

I need to talk to him about this as it's an issue for me and I'm not willing to keep dealing with this. So far I've tried boosting his confidence and re-assuring him but I get the feeling this isn't actually going to work at all, if anything it reinforces it and makes it worse.

Any advice? He really is lovely apart from this and i want it to work. He's not jealous/controlling about it, just has zero belief in himself and thus me. I can't be constantly reassuring and playing up to this. How do I raise it without it seeming like a criticism and making things worse?

VestanPance

The guy needs to sort himself out. It may have been two years since the incident that made him insecure, but your account points that for him two years hasn't been long enough to deal with the issue.

He's entering a self fulfilling cycle though, as his insecurity is the thing likely to get him dumped as very few men or women can tolerate constant insecurity.

paulineb_2

Lots of things can make people insecure, I would suggest that its rarely one event

Suggest he gets counselling. Tell him you care but cant cope with his constant need for reassurance

Or if you cant cope with it leave, because staying when its making you miserable wont be productive for you either.

ostrichnomore_2

Yeah it's probably not just the one thing, he still talks about break ups from years ago and still obviously has bitterness/hurt over them. (he's only had 3 serious relationships though, not a serial guy). Also I know his mum hits his self esteem, she seems to be a nice lady just rather thoughtless with what she says (a couple of things she's said to him literally made my mouth drop open and I thought 'why would you say that to your son!'), and if she's presumably been doing that all his life, it can't help.

BugglyB

ostrichnomore wrote: »

Hi

New man (5 months) is lovely but very insecure and it's starting to get quite irritating, to be honest. He's been hurt in the past and he says it's because of that, but who at our age hasn't been hurt, and we can't keep dragging it into new relationships. Not to mention that my last relationship was a 10 year one that ended very nastily a year ago but I feel that I've moved on, and his was a 2 year relationship that ended 2 years ago but I feel that he hasn't really moved on. Not in the sense that he still wants to be with her, but that he lets it effect his self-esteem and makes him paranoid/insecure still this time round.

I probably sound rather unsympathetic, I know to some extent he can't help it, but I also think it's time he got a grip! At the weekend we were having a special romantic night in, big effort from me, dressing up, dinner etc, snuggling on the sofa etc and he suddenly started in with all the questions and doubts again. It upset me that he ruined that moment and I'm now thinking am I always going to have to deal with this !!!!!?

I do love him but he doesn't really believe me. He has a few drinks and gets all 'I'm no good for you' and 'I don't think you are committed to this' and 'why would you want to be with me' and 'I'm going to mess this up' blah blah when I give him no reason to think all that - it's a hangover from being dumped by his last partner.

He's obviously not got his head sorted out from last time round. He just says he did nothing wrong and it wasn't his fault and I don't think that's possible - it's always two to tango. But in any case, he needs to get over it.

I need to talk to him about this as it's an issue for me and I'm not willing to keep dealing with this. So far I've tried boosting his confidence and re-assuring him but I get the feeling this isn't actually going to work at all, if anything it reinforces it and makes it worse.

Any advice? He really is lovely apart from this and i want it to work. He's not jealous/controlling about it, just has zero belief in himself and thus me. I can't be constantly reassuring and playing up to this. How do I raise it without it seeming like a criticism and making things worse?

How do you cope/respond when he starts doing this?

paulineb_2

ostrichnomore wrote: »

Yeah it's probably not just the one thing, he still talks about break ups from years ago and still obviously has bitterness/hurt over them. (he's only had 3 serious relationships though, not a serial guy). Also I know his mum hits his self esteem, she seems to be a nice lady just rather thoughtless with what she says (a couple of things she's said to him literally made my mouth drop open and I thought 'why would you say that to your son!'), and if she's presumably been doing that all his life, it can't help.

Well yes. Ive never had issues with self esteem that have come from family, but Ive had some seriously abusive relationships that affected me years on

And Im sensible enough to know that the issue was with them and not me, but if something has been particularly negative, people can end up scarred

Its moving to a point where you dont take it into another relationship that he needs to get to

marisco_2

He needs to address all the issues that he has. It doesn't sound as if he has come to terms with what happened in his last relationship or moved on from it properly at all. He seems unable to believe he has anything to offer you, or to accept that you are committed to him and want to be with him. All the while that things continue like this it will just cause damage to your relationship. A kind of self fulfilling prophecy.

tinkerbell28

I'd run like the wind.........sorry.

5 months? Is the honeymoon phase where you see the best of someone, usually.

5 months in he is not jealous and controlling YET. If he is like this when you should be bouncing off the walls with infatuation, that will come, sure as night follows day.

It is also a VERY bad sign, he loses his cool and ruins it all with questioning after a drink, that is not a good sign with regards to your safety later on down the line.

I'd be gone sorry. You can't fix him and I would seriously wonder if he has always had control issues which led towards his relationship breakdowns.

aileth

My OH was like this badly, and still is a little but has got a lot better. If he is anything like mine was, it's very difficult really. Something as simple as, "Why didn't you take the bins out this morning?" When you had asked him to do so would turn into, "I'm not good enough, I'm a rubbish person", etc, basically all the things you quoted above.

He got diagnosed with depression eventually and has been having counselling which seems to have some effect. He was like this four years after his eight year relationship ending, but it was compounded by his family taking advantage of him, assuming he was blind to it when he was fully aware.

I would try and have a nice deep talk with him, no negativity, and also ask him to get a GP referral for counselling. I suspect he also suffers quite badly from anxiety too, which the GP will also help with.

ostrichnomore_2

How do you cope/respond when he starts doing this?

Sometimes I give him a big hug and reassure him. Other times I'll be firmer and tell him 'I love you, but stop this'.

I don't see any controlling/nasty side to it - I was married to a controlling/aggressive (not physical but attitude) man years ago and believe me I'd run if I saw that coming. He's fine with me wanting my space and having a few days not seeing him, or going out with my friends, and I've been abroad on holiday twice with friends without him, no problem/jealousy.

I'm going to suggest seeing his GP - he does get rather depressed at times.

hgotsparkle

I was with someone like this for about 6 months, and it really infuriated me.He'd been hurt, but would never say how and would say things like 'I'm scared of getting close to you in case I get hurt again' Well, thanks for tarring me with the same brush there!
I would say to him 'how do you expect to get over it if you're letting it shadow you?'


Turns out he was just an attention seeker. The same way his told me he used to cut his ankles because he was depressed about the way he looks - surely ankles can't do much damage?


Pathetic drama queen he was.