insecure man

jayII

ostrichnomore wrote: »

He doesn't lose his cool, he just gets a bit pathetic and self-pitying.I might be in danger of throwing up one day but that's about it. (oh I shouldn't joke about it, poor chap!). Nor is he controlling/nasty/jealous.

He's very sweet. It's a self-esteem issue, full stop.

In that case it sounds like you're doing the best thing you can, sympathy and a clear message that you don't like it. He may just need to break out of the habit of behaving like this.

Might be worth sometimes doing things that keep you busy (tennis etc) when you're together, to reduce the opportunities for long introspective chats. Exercise and activity, not to mention having fun, is great for self-esteem too.

Good luck.

tinkerbell28

paulineb wrote: »

Where does it say he lost his cool?

The whole, he has a drink and then goes on one and starts questioning. Lost his cool is probably a bad phrase.

However a man in a new relationship going on one after a drink, how he can't trust, it is all going wrong, blah, blah, blah is a very bad sign.

I stick to my point, after 5 months all of this is not a good sign and sounds very much like a pre cursor to controlling behaviour.

Errata

I do love him but he doesn't really believe me. He has a few drinks and gets all 'I'm no good for you' and 'I don't think you are committed to this' and 'why would you want to be with me' and 'I'm going to mess this up' blah blah

That's his self-pitying trying to sabotage your relationship so when it goes tits up he can blame it all on you. Probably just like last time, and the time before, and the time before that.

woosey_2

I managed 18 months with a man who sounds just like him.
Well I found it kind of endearing in the early days it got to the point when he started with his "bleating" as I called it I would just agree with everything he said, which was supposed to make him feel foolish but probobly enforced everything he thought about himself.
I have met a few other ladies he has been out with, hes a nice fun good looking man who had no jealousy or anger issues but he ruined all his relationships with his constant self pitying.
He always said to me that relationships never last and I feel sure he will always be saying that, he just didnt know how to live with a posative frame of mind, sadly it was incredibly draining.

ostrichnomore_2

Hmm, I can see the angle the more negative responses are coming from too, and yes, I'm on watch for that sort of behaviour, believe me. As I know it can be connected to this. But not inevitably.

When I say he gets like that after a drink, I don't mean literally one, and not every time he drinks. Once a month or so. He always feels a bit insecure but deals with it ok most of the time, but like all of us, if we are a bit sozzled then our emotions can take over.

carefullycautious

Errata wrote: »

That's his self-pitying trying to sabotage your relationship so when it goes tits up he can blame it all on you. Probably just like last time, and the time before, and the time before that.

I think you have hit the nail on the head, just what I was thinking

tinkerbell28

I agree with errata. Op you have two choices really. You can get sucked into the self pitying relationship he is after, with all the excuses in the world others will afford him.

At best you'll be in a very miserable relationship at worst it could become very controlling.

Or you could tell him to sort it out or leave you alone. I do agree though, he's almost forcing this onto you, so he can say told you so. Quite manipulative if you ask me, I don't buy into the majority of men and women who are like this, as helpless victims. I see them as quite controlling.

ska_lover

tinkerbell28 wrote: »

I'd run like the wind.........sorry.

5 months? Is the honeymoon phase where you see the best of someone, usually.

5 months in he is not jealous and controlling YET. If he is like this when you should be bouncing off the walls with infatuation, that will come, sure as night follows day.

It is also a VERY bad sign, he loses his cool and ruins it all with questioning after a drink, that is not a good sign with regards to your safety later on down the line.

I'd be gone sorry. You can't fix him and I would seriously wonder if he has always had control issues which led towards his relationship breakdowns.

Ditto.....................

Lovelyjoolz

Ostrich, do you want a boyfriend or do you want a project? It's not your responsibility to bolster his self esteem. Yes, partners do encourage confidence and massage our egos, but not on demand, it's normally just a by-product of a rewarding relationship.

You can't 'fix' him. It's not your job to. He needs to get himself sorted if he wants to be with you. If I were you I would be suggesting a relationship break so that he can go and get counseling or whatever and come back when he has restored his since of self worth and can give to the relationship rather than drag it down into his little pity party.

I don't believe that this man is controlling in the sense of being a sociopath, but this definitely has some semblance of passive/aggressive behaviour.

jayII

ostrichnomore wrote: »

Hmm, I can see the angle the more negative responses are coming from too, and yes, I'm on watch for that sort of behaviour, believe me. As I know it can be connected to this. But not inevitably.

When I say he gets like that after a drink, I don't mean literally one, and not every time he drinks. Once a month or so. He always feels a bit insecure but deals with it ok most of the time, but like all of us, if we are a bit sozzled then our emotions can take over.

Would he give up the drink? It sounds very destructive for him, if he manages okay the rest of the time.

I rarely drink when life is going through a rough phase, because it can make me over emotional and sensitive, which isn't fair on my friends and family. I'm fine when life is good.