Parents who force their children into religion?

andygb

I have started this thread because of something which I was told by a relation recently.
The couple have one son who is nearing 16, and the son has stated that he does not believe in God. The mother (who I spoke to) is not making a big deal of this, but the father, who is a practicing Christian is very angry about it, and is constantly confronting the son about it.
This takes me back to my youth (between 11 and 16), when I questioned religion (Catholicism) constantly, with the result that teachers tried to humiliate me, and my mother was occasionally violent towards me, and threatened to put me into care/throw me out of the house (when I reached 16).
When the relation told me about her son, I offered my views on the situation, and suggested that nobody should force/coerce anyone else into believing /doing something against their wishes, because this would only result in resentment in the future. When I told her that I was an atheist, she was shocked, because she assumed that I was still a Catholic. I then explained that the reason I had drifted away from religion was because of the very behaviour being exhibited by her OH towards his son.
The father has very fixed views on many things, and will very often just walk away from a discussion and sulk if anyone contradicts his views.
The reason why I am concerned, is because we sort of get on well with them, and I believe that if the father knows my views, or it comes out in conversation, then we will not see them any more.
Was I right to tell my story to my relation when she told me about her son, or should I have changed the subject?

Own_My_Own

You were right. Why should you hide your feelings ?
To be honest if the father doesn't like it, it is his problem. Let the boy know you are on the end of a phone if ever he needs to talk to you and leave it at that.
The lad is 16 and really should be able to make his own mind up. All the father is doing is building a wedge between himself and his son. You can't force someone to believe.

fluffnutter

What relation is this person to you? I'm assuming the mother is the blood relation, and the father is her husband?

Doesn't she have a say in when and where she sees her family? You say you're worried that you won't see them any more if the father finds out about the conversation, but why is it just up to him?

TBH, this isn't really about religion. It's about a dogmatic and domineering man who refuses to allow those around him to have their own views and opinions. Sounds like a bully to me. And we all know what we should do with bullies? Stand up to them. You were right to speak out.

Peater

The kid has obviously been brought up in the religion and has decided it's not for him. What sort of a fruit is the father???

You were absolutely right OP. Don't feel any guilt.

lostinrates

What a tremendous shame.
when I found I was not drawn to be confirmed my strongest ally was actually the priest at my school (a convent) who simply asked that I rem,beer he was always there to chat to, and that I continue to make strong, good choices.

Some of the most formative people in my life have been very deeply religious people, priests, a Monsignor in the Catholic Church, and people who practise different faiths, admirably. I often envy their belief and wish I had it.

Your young relatives father commands no such envy or admiration from me. Many young people wander from the upbringing they have only to return after exploration if their own, faith stronger because they have come to it themselves, or different but right for them. It much be very difficult for parents who are observant to have children leave the church but the faith I still respect though do not share was a loving one, who taught us that in the modern world we had to learn to love those different from us in faith, not chastise them or bully them into conversion or church attendance.

I think you did the right thing to relay your experience, but I'd say no more, Other wise one reprisals being in the same position as the father and being a zealous preacher of one's own position. I would however make sure, if you and your wife feel it appropriate, I would with a sixteen year old young adult, let the young man know you are their should he want a sympathetic ear, but refuse to get drawn in to any disrespectful stance on his parents views. A difficult balance, but perfectly possible to say the world is made of many opinions and beliefs, and until its to late we'll not know who was right.

Gra76

Having been brought up as a very reluctant Roman Catholic from birth till I left my parents house, I've decided I would let my 3 kids decide to do whatever they wanted when it came to religion.

My dad had always been involved heavily in the church and would go twice a week to mass. He would make myself, my brother and my sister go on Sunday without fail. He roped me into being an alter boy for 4 years without asking me if I wanted to do it, and I can't say I was very happy about it but he'd already spoken to the priest and agreed it. While we lived under his roof we had to live by his rules etc etc.

The best day of my life was moving out to my own place so I didn't have to go anymore. Both my brother and sister feel the same, and neither has been back to church since.

My eldest son is 8 and they're teaching him about various religions at school at the moment. He has quite a few questions and says he believes in God, which I have no problem with. If he says he wants to go to church I'd be happy with that, but I sure as hell won't force it on him like my dad did with us. They'll be making their own decisions in life and I'll back them in whatever they choose.

I found that the harder my dad pushed us to go to church the less I wanted anything to do with it.

CustardAndPickles

Obviously, the situation as relayed to you has bought back very unhappy memories, and that can't be nice - I could completely understand you seeing your own struggles in what the son is going through.

However, not many people like being told what to do. The mother thought you were Catholic - suggesting she was expecting sympathy about the situation in relation to her son (as far as a 'believing Catholic' would feel) rejecting God and turning away from salvation. Silly as religion might be to a lot of people, if you truly believe in it, having your own son turn away, with the result that if he dies he'll won't go to heaven, is pretty distressing.

Instead, you told her you were an atheist - and that her husband's behaviour was likely to result in alienation between the father and son. The first bit was obviously a surprise and the second bit would have been both upsetting (you were no doubt putting into words what she feared) and frightening (if the father is domineering, she's not going to want to say anything, especially if the father genuinely believes he's doing it to save his son's soul).

I think you're right - if the father finds out that you're atheist and have gone through a similar situation as the son - they are unlikely to have much to do with you. Although your comments were obviously well intentioned, I would keep out of this one. Any "support" you give the son will be seen as interfering and will force the mother to choose between you and her husband - and it won't be you she picks.

bluenoseam

I think it depends on the pig headedness of the father here, but by the sounds of it there's not much danger of the mother cutting you off completely.

I come from a very religious family, my Dad was a minister and to his credit never "forced" it on either my two sisters or myself, we were expected as children to go to church but that was more because well, that's where both parents were. Dad died before I personally got to a stage whereby I could make an informed decision on my religious beliefs but I always get the feeling his role as a father had massive priority over his role as a minister. When I stopped going to church some 15 years ago for various reasons Mum never questioned it nor attempted to change my mind, she knew my reasons and has accepted them. (for what it's worth I still consider myself "religious" I just chose not to go to church for varying reasons)

I think you need to be there for the kid more than anything, by the sounds of it he's catching a lot of grief over it from someone who's got completely the wrong idea. Religion isn't about coercion it's a belief in a faith and if you don't have that, it shouldn't be enforced upon you, that doesn't breed spirituality, it breeds contempt. I understand the father might find it difficult, but as a christian he should believe that any persons sins can be forgiven should penance be sought. (no offense intended, but as this sounds like a catholic issue I would expect that to be a given, otherwise, what's the frickin point in confession...) Sometimes younger people need an open sounding board who is non-judgemental, clearly this will be your most valuable position - although a word of warning, do not attempt to enforce your views on him, support him by offering your perspective, but make it clear it's his decision to make.

Depending on which denomination (particularly RC or CoE) it could be that at 16 he's simply "burnt out" with the all encompassing influence it has on him. If he's in a denominational school combined with a parent with such strongly held beliefs and a domineering attitude towards things this is the most likely explanation. A good parent should understand that if a child is aggressively pushed towards something eventually that child will rebel against it - and that's what's happening here by the looks of it!

(Hark at me doing the hefty bit this early in the morning - and it's only 1 coffee into the day)

shelley_crow

I had a very controlling mother who wasn't religious but believed Roman CAtholic schools were best. I was baptised at the age of 6 and I had no idea what was going on, I told the priest I didn't want to be baptised but it went ahead anyway. Cue more religious ceremonies, first communion and confirmation, they meant less than nothing to me but again I was given little choice in the matter. When it came to confirmation, I could have stuck my heels in but would have suffered for it mentally and physically later on.

My mother played at going to church weekly but it didn't last. Years of religious schooling has left me very anti religion. Like OP's relative, there was no arguing with my mother over anything, it was her way or the highway.

OP - I think you did the right think. Hopefully your story will resonate with the boy'
s mother and spur her to have a word with her husband about his attitude.

marisco_2

I think you spoke a lot of common sense with the mum, when you were discussing the situation regarding her son. You gave a very reasoned and considered point of view which I agree with. If the father falls out with you and decides not to see you again over this, then I question how much your friendship actually means to him. I hope it doesn't come to that and that this family manage to resolve their differences too.

VestanPance

My mum was very religious and was upset when aged 12 I told her I was an atheist and all religion was nothing more than brainwashing of the population for political and power purposes.

She got over it after a while.