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Musings about a new relationship
Maureen43
Posts: 518 Forumite
Me again, not sure about a man, again!
Background: Have been seeing this guy for 2-3 months now. We met online, both looking for a relationship. I've just come out of a long marriage. He's been divorced for about a year, fairly traumatic background including fact that ex wife didn't get on with his daughter which made access difficult.
We don't see each other that much - weekends when I don't have the kids and maybe an evening a fortnight. That's fine generally - he has his own life, friends and interests and so do I. When we are together he is affectionate and we get on and have a really good time. We have a lot in common.
However in between he is very detached. I hardly hear from him and when I do it is by text. He has never rung me! I don't think there is anyone else involved. I think he is maybe scared of taking things to the next level. He "needs to get his head around" the idea of meeting my kids at some point - I am not rushing him.
I have no idea how he feels about me!
So, I was thinking of leaving it a couple of months, and if there is no change then asking him how he feels and how he sees things going. He knows I don't want to marry or live together, so I don't think he needs to feel unduly pressured.
God, I don't understand men!
Background: Have been seeing this guy for 2-3 months now. We met online, both looking for a relationship. I've just come out of a long marriage. He's been divorced for about a year, fairly traumatic background including fact that ex wife didn't get on with his daughter which made access difficult.
We don't see each other that much - weekends when I don't have the kids and maybe an evening a fortnight. That's fine generally - he has his own life, friends and interests and so do I. When we are together he is affectionate and we get on and have a really good time. We have a lot in common.
However in between he is very detached. I hardly hear from him and when I do it is by text. He has never rung me! I don't think there is anyone else involved. I think he is maybe scared of taking things to the next level. He "needs to get his head around" the idea of meeting my kids at some point - I am not rushing him.
I have no idea how he feels about me!
So, I was thinking of leaving it a couple of months, and if there is no change then asking him how he feels and how he sees things going. He knows I don't want to marry or live together, so I don't think he needs to feel unduly pressured.
God, I don't understand men!
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Comments
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If it was me I would not be introducing him to my kids - not if he has to get his head round it!I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over and through me. When it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
When the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.0 -
If it was me I would not be introducing him to my kids - not if he has to get his head round it!
Do you mean not ever, or not till he has got his head round it? I don't think it is unreasonable for him to be cautious - but I be worried if he never wanted to meet them. That would be relationship over!0 -
Sounds like a very similar relationship to one my friend is in, shes been with him 18 months, he doesnt have kids but hes distant and the only way she gets his attention is to basically ignore him.
Id rather be single and I know its tough when you like someone, but from your opening paragraph it sounds like hes calling all the shots and you arent getting very much happiness from this entire situation.
And we all have baggage, if hes not ready to be dating, then he perhaps shouldnt be.0 -
The only way you are going to understand where your partner is at over your relationship is by talking to him about it. That he comes over as detached in between the times when you both meet up clearly bothers you. So why do you want to leave it another couple of months before approaching this with him?The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own, no apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on or blame. The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins.0
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The only way you are going to understand where your partner is at over your relationship is by talking to him about it. That he comes over as detached in between the times when you both meet up clearly bothers you. So why do you want to leave it another couple of months before approaching this with him?
Fair point. I suppose I think that if I raise it while he is still getting his head around things I will push him away. Hard to strike a balance!0 -
God, I don't understand men!
What's not to understand here - he wants less involvement than you do. You mean you do not understand why he wants less involvement if you are getti.g on well ?The word "dilemma" comes from Greek where "di" means two and "lemma" means premise. Refers usually to difficult choice between two undesirable options.
Often people seem to use this word mistakenly where "quandary" would fit better.0 -
If your always having problems with men then perhaps they type of man your looking for is the problem?
In all honesty the right answer is to stop looking for a relationship and just enjoy life as it is, you will be surprised how, once you are happy with your own life, relationships will come along.
In this particular instance, just enjoy the relationship for what it is, why do you want to 'take it to the next level'?0 -
What's not to understand here - and wants less involvement than you do. You mean you do not understand why he wants less involvement if you are getti.g on well ?
This is what I was wondering - whether he just wants less involvement than I do. If he wants a relationship where we don't ever meet each others' kids and keep distant in between meetings - that is not what I am looking for.
Sounds like a talk coming on. Why is nothing ever easy?0 -
Fair point. I suppose I think that if I raise it while he is still getting his head around things I will push him away. Hard to strike a balance!
There is no point in raising the issue. Relationship is too fresh and he does not owe you anything. You already dancing around him scared you will push him away. Not a good position to start raising issues from. He showed you what he can offer , you can either accept it or decline it , no.point in bargaining asking for attention and closeness to someone you met at most a.dozen times . I know we women want a fairy tail romance so we try to fit men to our expectations , its pointless though if its not happening. No point in negotiating with words , do it with actions - if he does not give you closeness you want look for someone who will. If he does not like it he will either step up or get out. Disregarding your wants for fear if pushing him away - not sure it ever resulted in harmonious long term.relationship.The word "dilemma" comes from Greek where "di" means two and "lemma" means premise. Refers usually to difficult choice between two undesirable options.
Often people seem to use this word mistakenly where "quandary" would fit better.0 -
This is what I was wondering - whether he just wants less involvement than I do. If he wants a relationship where we don't ever meet each others' kids and keep distant in between meetings - that is not what I am looking for.
Sounds like a talk coming on. Why is nothing ever easy?
You don't even know each.other yet , why do you bring meeting kids up ?The word "dilemma" comes from Greek where "di" means two and "lemma" means premise. Refers usually to difficult choice between two undesirable options.
Often people seem to use this word mistakenly where "quandary" would fit better.0
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