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aliasojo

I loathed my Dad. He was a bully who fathered by control and anger. He did so much damage to my self esteem growing up that I believe his influence shaped me and bred my inability to get on in life in the way that my peer group did as young adults.

I 'settled' in life. After having been knocked down (psychologically) so often as a kid/teenager, I just didn't have the confidence to attempt to strive for better.

He died years ago. I don't miss him.

Sorry to bring down the tone.

Gra76

My Dad passed away in 2006, it wasn't unexpected, but it was sudden. He'd had triple heart bypass surgery following a major heart attack in 1987 (on my 11th birthday no less) and had been having a few issues over the couple of years before his death. You could say I'd been preparing for it since he had his original heart attack as we were told he was unlikely to survive. But he fought and came through it in the end!

I never really got on well with him while I lived at home, we were chalk and cheese. He was very religious, I was very anti-religion. That caused a few arguements over the years. He was a typical hard-nosed Glaswegian who didn't take any messing about. We had a lot of run-ins over him trying to control various things in my life. But when all was said and done, he was still my Dad and I loved him very much.

It took me until I moved out with my then GF (now wife) in 2002 to realise how much we actually could get along. The 4 years after I moved out, we slowly grew closer than we'd ever been. He'd retired due to ill health a year or so before I moved out and would look after my eldest son every Wednesday, when my Mum worked on a Saturday he'd come and visit us to see my eldest son as much as anything. He was a legendary Grandad to my eldest. It wasn't until after he died that I found out he'd never told my Mum any of this. She assumed he just sat at home reading papers on Saturdays.

Sadly when my eldest was around 18 months old my Dad he had a fatal heart attack while looking after him one Wednesday. Fortunately my Mum was having a day off so she was there to call an ambulance but it made no difference. I still remember the phone call she made to me after ringing the ambulance in vivid detail. I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing. My mum could only say "Your Dad's collapsed and it doesn't look good, the ambulance is here but they can't bring him round yet". The frantic drive to my parents house took a lot less time than it should have done.

When I got there I turned into the top of the street. It must have been 20 minutes after the phone call. I think I knew the worst had happened when I saw the ambulance was still there. The paramedics worked on him for a good 15-20 minutes after I arrived but there was nothing happening. I went through and said my goodbyes to my Dad and sat with him for a while in utter shock and disbelief.

I made the painful phone calls to my brother and sister to let them know and then waited for the police to turn up (they had to because he died at home apparently).

I drove to Newcastle to pick my sister up later that day because she was in no state to drive, then met my brother back at the house.

After all of the phonecalls to various friends and extended family I finally went home, where the reality of what had happened sunk in, and the need to be strong for everyone else in the family rapidly disappeared. I cried myself to sleep that night and if I don't stop now I'll be crying myself to sleep again today.

Lizzie_Bennet

Gra76, your dad sounds like mine. My dad had a triple bypass in 2000 following a heart attack which I believe he tried to pass off at the time as having indigestion. He was then diagnosed with COPD. He'd already retired early. He, together with my mum, looked after my daughter after my maternity leave.

He'd had a chest infection for which the GP gave him antibiotics. Then, the day after Easter Monday in 2006, I had a call at work from my mum 'come home, your dad's dying'. I got home to find two ambulances outside, paramedics trying their best. It was the third time we'd had to call an ambulance for him but this time they couldnt save him. We thought he'd had a heart attack, he'd been on the bed, about to get up then all of a sudden..... Turns out the chest infection was in fact Pneumonia. Mum's never got over that, she thought he was safe from that sort of infection as he barely left the house.

The police also came btw, asking questions and taking all his medications with them.

I couldnt face seeing him at the Chapel of Rest, I wanted to remember him sitting in his chair a couple of days before, trying to remove a Barbie doll from its packaging and laughing with my daughter.

Sorry to be so sad on a lovely Friday afternoon.

System

Up until I got married and moved out I had never peeled an orange cause my Dad used to do it for me. He'd have done it afterwards too if i'd asked him to.

I asked him to do it cause I don't like the juice on my hands and under my fingernails.... It was only after he died then I was told he didn't like juice on his hands and under his fingernails either.

My youngest son doesn't like peeling oranges either.:)

red_devil

i lost my mum in may.

System

red_devil wrote: »

i lost my mum in may.

So sorry for your loss

tomdickharry

so sorry for those who have lost their parents,
even more so without sounding, don't know the word really, but for those who didn't have a nice dad/mam,
as i said, my dad was both to me, maybe why we were so close,
i was always his kid, and my kids his babies, quite childish but that's how we were.
1 in a million really, and thank heaven he knew how we all felt because I'd hate it if he didn't.

may seem daft but i keep thinking of the times i didn't help him,
only little things like calling to the chippy after work but too tired or forgetting something from his shopping,
just wishing i could have 1 more shop for him,
i can't even shop in our usual supermarket because i pass the things he'd have, i had to leave the 1st time i tried, just left the trolley and drove away

fawd1

I think the reality is you'll never know until you fear you're about to lose them. I was 8 months pregnant when we found out my father had a controllable but not curable form of cancer. At the time I was living at home with 2 children, and my brothers were in the US and north England respectively. They are all very grateful that my father is ok now, but neither one of them put a crying 4 week old to bed in order to clean up their fathers vomit. So , yes I think I appreciate my father more than they do. They didn't see the sickness, whilst I lived it.

heartbreak_star

I lost my dad three years ago and my grandmother last year. I only have my mum left.

This is going to sound incredibly harsh, but you have to push yourself through some of the things that hurt. Like shopping. Your kids need you to do the shopping. Try and function for those who are still here that need you.

There will always be things that will hurt - to this day I cant hear the hymn Abide With Me without tears - but try to think about the happy things. Always talk about those who have left us, and sometimes talk to them. As long as you remember, a piece of them will never leave

Lots of love and positive wishes, OP.

HBS x

marisco_2

Try to focus on all the things you did do for your dad instead of regretting the things you didn't OP. It sounds like he was a great guy who was grounded and level headed, and he would have respected and understood that you led a busy life. I don't get the impression from what you say of your relationship with your dad, that he would ever have felt overlooked. He wouldn't have the had the wonderful bond he did with you and your family if he did.