Real-life MMD: Birthday money mistake - should I ask for some cash back?

alwayswrite

I actually think the mother has got a damned cheek even hinting to you that you should give more than you can afford. If you hadn't given in to her 'emotional blackmail' then she would have been resentful, now she has left the ball in your court the resentment has gone your way. I wouldn't even want this person as a friend. I know it is your own fault for giving more but I do feel very sorry for you and I wouldn't have done that to you.

Maat

I agree with those who've said you should tell the girl's mother how you feel - so long as you can do it with compassion and not blame. I don't think you should ask for any of the money back but I do think you need to express your feelings. That gives the mother the chance to apologise for misleading you, although I suspect she wasn't aware that that's what she was doing at the time. Your goddaughter probably simply changed her mind once she had the cash. You may not have the full story here so it makes sense to go into the conversation with compassion and make it solely about your own feelings rather than blaming either the girl or her mother.

xbethanyx

It seems to have been missed that at 18 you can get a contract phone and pay monthly... who is to say she isn't paying for it monthly from wages (presuming she works...) and that the money did go to a savings account for this course?!!
Unless you have firm evidence the money you gave DIDN'T go to the course I wouldn't be getting so worked up about it.

bogwart

I think you should definitely speak to the mother and tell her how disappointed you are that your gift was wasted on an overpriced piece of junk instead of the worthy cause for which it was given.

I do not think there is anything to be gained by asking for some of the money back, although you do have a case for asking for the whole lot to be reimbursed.

What a sordid little story. Is this really what your friend imagines to be the role of a godmother? In your position I would consider the relationship finished. She has abused your kindness and acted in an underhand and devious fashion.

cupboardie

It seems so out of order that either the goddaughter has spent her birthday money on an iphone after claiming she wanted money for a tefl course or it's her mum that duped you. either way it's really not on. my adviceis give a little less (money or present value) for the next few birthdays and christmasses

double_mummy

do u know for certain that she has spent the money on the phone and not booked the course for a september start?

ask the GD so when are you starting your course - she is an adult just discuss it with her!!!!!

the_alchemist

I agree a gift is a gift, and it's too late now. Just be firm in the future.

Also, children in the developing world really don't need 18-year-olds from rich countries teaching them: there are almost always plenty of good local people, including those with excellent English, and more likely than not all the goddaughter would be doing is taking a job away from someone who needed it much more. So probably a good thing she spent it on an iPhone.

Talent

It's your fault you gave more than you could afford. However, the mother and the god-daughter both need to know this.... in a nice way though. Let them know how disappointed you are that she didn't go for the TEFL.
I'm disappointed she didn't go for the TEFL ;-)

Avon2001

To be perfectly honest I'd write this one off to experience. Your god-daughter is 18, she has just become an adult. You are, I assume, at least 40. As you've learned, the problem with giving money as a birthday gift is that it's arguably very questionable to attach conditions to how it is spent. Personally, had I had the money, I would have given a smaller amount as a birthday gift and told her that you were willing to look at options for helping her to further her education. I would not have committed to helping pay for any specific course without knowing a lot more about it. If I hadn't had the money I would have given what I felt comfortably able to give.

The reason that I would have wanted to know a lot more about this course before even considering funding it, is because frankly there are a lot of cowboy course providers out there, particularly in the TEFL field. I strongly suspect an 18 year old would find it very difficult to get on a reputable course, for starters most of them want a degree and/or some sort of life experience. I'd also point out that all the decent TEFL courses I know cost a lot more than an iPhone, even one bought up front, so I'd at least consider the possibility that the iPhone was a consolation gift so to speak.

Look at it this way, your god-daughter got herself a special 18th birthday present and as she's now an adult, big presents can be reserved for big occasions.

florere

You would still be short of money even if she had spent it on the TEFL course, I do think it was wrong of someone to tell you that the money was going to be spent on the course and then spend it on an i phone. perhaps mum was mislead as well. Now your god daughter is grown up perhaps it is time to stop giving presents and just stick to cards, it sounds as if she has more spare money than you.