Real-life MMD: Birthday money mistake - should I ask for some cash back?

Bekkiford

Dimey wrote: »

I wouldn't ask for any money back but I wouldn't respond to money requests again.

I'd just send a card and a small gift of my own choice in future.

Only then if asked why I'm not giving money anymore I'd explain how wounded I felt being deceived/tricked and how unfair it was that my money didn't go where it was supposedly intended and that I would have happily given an amount I could have afforded more easily if I'd been told the truth. Then that I just don't want to be duped again.

I would do this

deborah007

If the girl is 18 she may have a part time job and have earned enough to have paid for the phone herself or someone else may have contributed money for a phone (her parents?).

I think you can speak to the mother about this as she told you about the course. She can then explain (or not...) and then you move on, chalking it up to experience. I don't think you should ask for some or all of the money back.

As others have said it is a lesson to be learned by all of us about being pressured into giving more than we plan or afford. I have often felt pressured into spending more than I wanted so i will try and remember this story in the future.

D x

minicooper272

I'm just rehashing what's already been said really. The money was a gift to the daughter, and you really can't ask for it back. After all, she's maybe not learned her lesson on the value of money, but asking her to give it back isn't a good lesson to teach her either.

Her Mum is the one who pressured you into giving more money, but really you should never give more money than you can afford, regardless of where it's going to be spent. I don't know if this was a course her Mum was pushing her to do, or something she really wants to do herself, but if she is going over to developing countries to teach, she is likely to start fund raising for her trip some time soon. When she comes asking, you can politely say that you had included that money in her 18th present, and don't have any budget left to sponsor her by more than e.g. £5.

When it comes to her 21st, tell her you want her to spend the money on something that will last - my Aunt said something similar to me, and the money is still sitting in my bank account! But at least it hasn't been spent on the post-graduation holiday I originally intended to use it for.

duchy

Still waiting for the OP to come back to confirm that the girl actually told her that her gift was spent on an I-phone or if the OP is making assumptions.

Or if this is just another of these silly made up ones that the MSE team post without thinking it through.

pb8770

I will only have to be duped once and I won't be duped again. Although saying that her parents claimed she was wanting to do a worth while cause but needed the money to fund it, then stabbed you in the back and bought an iphone, she seems rather shallow to want an Iphone instead of putting the money to a good cause, that just tells you what sort of adult she is turning out to be. She is now 18 just send her a card in future, once my nephew turned 18 I stopped sending him money because he is an adult and should be able to support him self. It doesn't say much about her mother asking you to dig deeper in your pocket, you should only give as much as you can comfortably afford and should not be bullied into giving more, if she has more kids just give them less than normal and if the mother says anything just say money is tight after being duped by her daughter, or just buy them a present that way nobody knows how much you've spent

llyamah

Something someone said in the first page has not been given enough thought here, in my opinion. If the girl does end up doing the course then how can you tell what the money in question was spent on. In that case, it can be said that the gift is funding the teaching cause.

siani70

Simple lesson here: don't give more than you can afford! You can't ask for any money back - it's not yours any more.

However, it was bad behaviour by the god-daughter's mother.

Trev2

Different world and it doesn't mean that they are being underhand, it's just a different way of thinking. People are hard-up if they can't go out seven nights a week and have the latest car. With my children I've paid off debts only to be shown a new phone within days. They don't see that you paying off the debt allowed them to buy the phone! When they were younger, they had money saved since they were babies in an account and they couldn't wait to get their hands on it. One got into overdraft of £900 and incurring interest so I let them draw out the money to pay it off. A month later they were overdrawn to £900 again and the boyfriends parents said it was daft to have money in an account and pay interest. I asked if they knew that we'd already done that and where had £900 gone. The reasoning was that she'd only spent £450 because she'd only paid £450 off the overdraft and spent the rest. It doesn't gel that £900 is still missing however you look at it. Just learn the lesson and say nothing else you'll fall out.

redglass_2

So come on, OP, can you answer some of the questions raised please? Otherwise things will just go in circles.

LilDevil

Dimey wrote: »

As an aside - does anyone get thank you letters anymore?

It used to be routine when I was a nipper. I even enjoyed doing it.

The only way I know my niece and nephew receive their presents and money (they aren't near me) is when the cheque is cashed.

I'd even appreciate a text!

Yes, at Xmas I sent my friends kids £5 each and had 3 lovely thank you notes which was a huge surprise - I was very touched!