Real-life MMD: Birthday money mistake - should I ask for some cash back?

Tiddles12

scotsbob wrote: »

When you handed over the money it became hers to do with as she liked.

Your next gift to her could be a donation to a third world charity in her name.

This is what I'd do!

Fujiko

oldtrout wrote: »

Agree with the above ... you must say something now, rather than let it churn you up inside.

How do you know it was actually 'your' money that went towards buying the phone. Maybe she had intended to get an iphone anyway and put all the rest of her birthday money to the course.

Sounds like the girl didn't know you had been pressurised by her mum into giving more. I blame the mother, not the girl.

Exactly what I was wondering. Presumably your god-daughter had more than one present, so how do you know it was your money that was spent on the phone? Is she still intending to go on the course, and did she have sufficient from other gifts to do this and get a phone as well? Perhaps you should find out.

Quite frankly, although you have been misled, by the mother not the daughter, there is no way you should ask for some of your money to be returned. All you can do is to ask how the course is going, and if the answer is that she is no longer intending to go on it you cannot dictate how she spends her birthday money - a gift is a gift - but I wonder if other donors were spun the same story, because if so the mother has behaved very badly.

I do not think you should have any conscience about ceasing to give gifts, other than small token ones, from now on. I always understood that godparents' obligation to do this stopped once the godchild had reached adulthood, which nowadays is 18. You can always, of course, make an exception for wedding presents if you wish. And in future, don't give more than you can afford!

nczm

Mum probably thought it was legitimate so it seems a little unfair to claim the funds back that way.
You should mention to your god-daughter that you were really disappointed to learn she'd spent your money on an iphone when she really wanted to do the course, how you scrimped together to get that for her etc, you won't get anything other than piece of mind and a lesson learnt for future

pollyzanna

MSE_Debs wrote: »

Money Moral Dilemma: Birthday money mistake - should I ask for some cash back?

I was guilt-tripped into giving my goddaughter more money for her 18th birthday than I could afford
(1)
because I was told she's desperate to do a TEFL course to teach kids in developing countries.
(2)
She spent the money on an iPhone instead.
(3)
I don’t begrudge her spending the cash on the phone, but I feel duped by her mum who persuaded me to give more than I would have. Should I tell her mum how I feel and ask for some of the money back?
(4)

(1) so it was your choice to give that amount
(2) was it the mother who told you this? - had your god-daughter ever indicated to you that she wanted to do this?
(3) just your money or money generally that she received for her birthday? Do you know if any money has been put aside for the TEFL course? (if that's actually something she seriously wants to do)
(4) by all means talk to the mum but I don't think you can ask for any of the money back. It wasn't the god-daughter who asked for any extra. As others have said, the issue is with the mum not the 18yr old.

julie777

(Matthew 5:37)
It's good to stick with your generous decision and forget about it.
You can always withold money next time.

alittlemadam

I dont think that it would do any good asking for the money back.

If I put myself in your shoes, would I say something, hell yes i would, I would ask her about the course and whether or not everything was sorted with it now.

I would also make it known when she responds with anything other that a yes, that you are very disappointed in her as you gave her that moeny to help her out and if you had known that she was going to purchase an Iphone your gift would have been a lot less and make her mother aware of the fact that she had also lied to you, saying that mother may not have been aware of what she was going to do with the money.

saying that you had plenty of opportunity to say that you couldnt afford it when you were asked to give slightly more and you still gave it so I guess its a no win situation for you.

Think this is a lesson learnt and a harsh one at that. Maybe for future gifts you could purchase book tokens which will help for her course that is if she ever books on it

janiebquick

It would be very churlish of you to ask for any money back, but don't ever give money again as a present. An Oxfam goat sounds a good compromise!

dimbo61

My Son is working/teaching disabled teenagers in Camp America this summer and really enjoying himself. He is only 20 so too young to drink in the USA !!!!
Dry for 8/9 weeks but loving the experience and will look good on his CV as he is at Uni doing a primary school teacher degree.
He made the effort to get into campamerica and we are proud of his hard work.
The OP should encourage her god daughter to apply to teach but remember to stop being too generous with her money

Barryfan

No, I wouldn't ask for it back, but I would make a point of telling them both how disappointed and upset you are that you were pressured into giving more than you could really afford, and under false pretences - that's like fraud! Don't give her any more birthday or Christmas money either.

crazy_horse_uk

gloriouslyhappy wrote: »

I think you should take her mum aside and say you spent more than you would have normally on her daughter's present because she - the mum - told you it was going on a TEFL course the daughter was desperate to do. Tell her you feel a bit disappointed the money went on an iphone instead, and ask about the daughter's TEFL course plans.

If you don't mention it, it will just fester and sour relationships in future which will be a pity. I definitely wouldn't say anything to the daughter as from the post, it wasn't her who asked for the extra cash, but you could ask her about her future travel / teaching plans.

As for asking for money back, it was your choice to give more even though you felt pressurised, so I'd bite the bullet on this one and say generally that now your god daughter's reached age 18, she's an adult and future gifts will be small tokens only, with an exception for her 21st birthday perhaps.

As others have said, the iphone should last a while so it's a good investment, although not as good as a teaching qualification!

Perfect! I don't think any of the sarcastic or subtle suggestions will benefit anybody. Suck it up, be a grown-up, but don't be a patsy and confront it, otherwise you'll sour relations with people you've known for at least 18 years; one of whom may be completely innocent! What teenager wouldn't splash out on a phone if several hundred quid suddenly came out of the blue?