Daughter rant feeling quite raw

duchy

I'm not sure if the doctor's opinion that it is OK is relevent -surely it's if the job centre are OK with it. I don't know the rules -to the point I've just realized my son should have been on ESA and not JSA last year before he went off to uni (he's dropping out atm so I now know to claim so thanks for prompting me to look). I do understand how difficult interaction can be for kids with issues but I push mine to try (he has ASD) and I appreciate how hard it is to push them beyond their comfort zone even for their own good.

As she's on ESA she'd get support with college -especially if she also qualifies for DLA -and if she doesn't perhaps she should if her difficulties are so crippling.....although I'm a little confused that she can't get herself to work but apparently can handle attending a lot of gigs ? What is the issue that makes the two so different for her ? Is she in the work group for ESA ? Either way she has access to job centre advisors. If college really is impossible (although a lot of colleges remind me of going to gigs in many ways ) what about the OU ?

CH27

If she is getting ESA & you are paying she can afford to stay in her comfort zone.
I'd stop paying her anything & asking for a contribution from her ESA towards her keep.
Mollycoddling her will do her no favours in the long run. She will have to look after herself one day.

julie8314dave

Yes the gig thing, we can not make it out, we think she looses herself in the music, just goes with her dad and get taken there and home again and does not have to speak to anyone as the music is so loud,

she does not live in the real world, and thinks that life is about music and gigs.

Own_My_Own

Does your daughter get ESA for low self esteem ?

My son has ASD and gets on 3 trains to get to his training course. He doesn't speak to anyone on the journey, but is doing very well once there.

Is she in WRAG ? What are they doing to help her ?

duchy

And will continue to as long as you enable her to do so.
Look Julie in a lot of ways she sounds like my son -and the easier option would be to allow him to live on his computer and shut the world out ....but I don't believe that is best for him ...... Things do get tense at times when I push him but it does in the long run have a positive effect on him.

If life is about music and gigs then maybe you need to stop enabling her to go to gigs -it might prompt her to look at work as the thing we all have to do to pay for gig tickets ?

Georgiegirl256

I'm sorry, but I'm going to be brutely honest here.

When I was about your daughters age, I too suffered from very low self esteem (then later on in my twenties, anxiety attacks), but you know what? I worked through it, I didn't let it rule my life, I carried on with my full time job which I'd had since I was 20. Yes, a lot of the time I didn't feel too good about myself, thought others must think the same, low self esteem isn't very nice, you doubt yourself, you think you're ugly, you think this and you think that....but surely, you DO NOT let it stop you getting a job. I would say a lot of us had self esteem/confidence issues when we were that age....but Wow....I didn't know you could get paid for it....darn it, I missed a trick there didn't I?

Surely there must be more to it than that? Sorry, but to me, that seems a really lame excuse to not get a job? By that age, I had my own house too....I guess maybe that's the difference in personalities....yes, I felt like !!!! about myself, but I tried my upmost not to let it stop me living my life.

She still manages to go to gigs doesn't she? It doesn't stop her doing that. Maybe this time apart will give her the kick up the backside she needs, and make her realise what life in the real world is like. You and your partner have been good to her, but it sounds like she just throws it all back in your face. Maybe it's time she realised what life is really like when you don't have the bank of Mam & Dad funding your lifestyle?

fluffnutter

Is her dad an alcoholic?

I'm incredibly sympathetic to mental health problems. I'm a sufferer myself. But at some point you have to make the decision to help yourself. You mention the doctor so I assume that she's getting all the medical help she needs which is the starting point. After that she has to want to improve her life, and it's your job to encourage that. Obviously you are doing so by providing her this role to help build her confidence but it doesn't seem to be having much effect.

It will help her to realise that not having a job, not having friends, not having much of a life frankly, is all contributing to her low self-esteem. It's a curious term - mental health problems are a very real reason for not being able to work, but not liking yourself much? Hmm. Getting off your arse and making something of your life will go a long way to improving your sense of self-worth.

Time for some tough love. Make her attending therapy/self-esteem courses or whatever a condition of her continued employment and financial subsidy. She's got to get out there. It also sounds like it's worth exploring how her relationship with her dad has contributed to her lack of confidence. Which is why I ask if he's an alcoholic. Having an alcoholic parent can really screw you up.

As an aside, pretty much every 22 year old suffers with low self-esteem. Feeling sorry for yourself won't help.

fluffnutter

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

I would say a lot of us had self esteem/confidence issues when we were that age....but Wow....I didn't know you could get paid for it....

Love it! :T

duchy

To be fair Georgie there are levels of poor self esteem. Realistically my son who is 21 doesn't (yet) have the life skills to cope with the world of work. To illustrate he was doing really well at college this year - until a girl who initally befriended him and then turned on him (and the rest of the group but he didn't have the social skills to realize this until now).She has her own problems and is dating the only other aspergers student in the group now -and has totally isolated herself from her fellow students. Most people in their early twenties would have seen the scenario for what it was (a girl with problems herself) ....but my son's poor self esteem convinced him he had done something wrong -but he was too ashamed to talk about it as he was embarassed -consequently his already low self esteem was shattered and his work suffered to the point he has failed his first year and is currently suffering severe depression and anxiety attacks.He has always had trust issues with people -and right now will trust no-one and blames himself for trusting this girl and accepting her friendship. She's almost certainly oblivious of the damage she's done of course -but I still want to slap her HARD !

Telling him to get off his !!!!! at this point would achieve nothing -it's small steps trying to rebuild.

Anyway don't want to hijack -just try and put the low self esteem in context ...and also point out that when you're that inward looking you don't usually have any friends at all so are socially isolated so although work is good for making contact with people -it isn't always feasible.

So enough of the smart ars*ed remarks about all 22 year olds having low self esteem please-you're comparing apples with oranges !!

themull1

Its got to be a joke that you get ESA for low self esteem? Doesn't it? When i was 17 i hated my job so much i was on valium, i weaned myself off it, i wouldn't have thought to go on the sick! That was nearly 30 years ago though.