Daughter rant feeling quite raw

julie8314dave

Just want to let of steam really, my daughter age 22 lives with me my partner of 19 years and her brother age 10, i have a small business that i run and my daughter comes in casually 3/4 days a week, for a few hours, she gets esa so she does not work the full hours, so she lives at home rent free and my partner gives her £50 a week for any extras she might need. I think this is quite a lot of money for what she does.

She is very much into music goes to gigs sometimes with her father who only works ocassinally, and drinks a fair bit. My daughter has no freinds either with us or at her dads, we have tried everything but she finds fault with anyone.

To cut a long story short, when i ask her in work to do something she sometimes says i cant be bothered or i do everything here and you just talk to the customers, and will leave lots of the preparation for when other members of staff come in stating that they get paid a lot more, she is very slapdash about most things but doesn't believe that she is.


She came into work on tuesday with bright nail varnish and jeans i said she would have to go and get nail varnish remover as i did not want her fingernails like that whilst working,

she went off alarming saying that she does not get enough money etc etc. i told her that she was on esa and that she should go and look for another job that pays money and come off esa, then my partner would not have to fund her himself. i then said i was fed up with her behaviour she is always telling me i can not hear her and that i am stupied.

It is always when she has spent a weekend at her fathers, she always comes back about the not having enough money thing which i believe her father quotes to her all the time.
After a heated discussion i told her to go home and she was not coming back to my work place again and while she was there she should make arrangements to move back in with her dad.

When i got home she has gone with some of her stuff and i have not spoken to her since, pART OF ME FEELS VERY VERY RELieVED AND PART OF ME FEELS THAT I HAVE FAILED HER.
mY partner says dont worry, because her father although loves her has no t v channels, internet, phone, washing machine and no money. she will be climbing the walls within a week.

What do i do now because i would like her to stay at her dads for a long while to appreciate me a bit, but dont want her to suffer to bad.

I have staff on holiday in the next couple of weeks and could really do with an extra pair of hands. but on saying that it would be better for me to struggle on then put up with her abuse.

Also her father is very self rightous and it rubs off on her when she comes back from a weekend away.

Thanks for reading, it puts it into prespective for me?

ellay864

She's 22, not a child. She won't suffer being at her dads, doing without Internet etc is not suffering, it'll do her good to appreciate what she's got with you. You give her £50 each week and she gets free board, that's more than many her age will get. Let her stay there and grow up.
Just one thing though, I don't know what your business is but would you insist on any adult employee removing nail varnish? My DSD is 19, has dyed hair, wears bright nail varnish and has numerous tattoos but her employer recognises that has nothing to do with her ability to do her job

fluffnutter

i told her that she was on esa and that she should go and look for another job that pays money and come off esa

So there's a choice? If she's claiming ESA then I assume she's either ill or disabled, this is what prevents her from working. But you casually say she should simply 'come off esa' and find a job. I'm trying to be charitable here, but it's not easy. If she can just 'find a job' then why is she eligible for ESA?

She's 22, not 12 and all the while you're making her life easy by allowing her to 'work' in a job where she underperforms, treats her employers (you and your partner) badly and swans in and out as she likes, she's able to carry on abdicating responsibility for her life. As much as you want to help, you're probably not doing her any favours.

If she's genuinely ill or disabled, then perhaps she does still need extra support from her family, but without clarification on this point, then I can only assume that she's 'working the system' in some way. That's not going to win her, and by extension you, any supporters unfortunately.

Can you explain more about her circumstances? I don't want to pry but it is relevant.

Lunar_Eclipse

I think the breathing room will do you both some good.

Re: her pay. I won't comment much on how much you pay her (it's up to you) beyond the fact that it should be at least minimum wage for the hours she works. £50/week does seem very low, but we don't know how many hours she works and I suspect this is because you are basically subsidising her living costs (free board.) I would be tempted to show her this on paper.

I also think you've done the right thing regarding her attitude at work. It is very unprofessional and wouldn't be tolerated 'in the real world', although this is understandable to a certain degree since you're family. I would have no hesitation in pointing out what you expect and will not tolerate, and suspending her work duties and pay unless she bucks up her ideas. You don't need to get angry or mean, simply point out the facts as you see them. She certainly is unappreciative of your financial support. Perhaps she needs to spread her wings further, beyond living with parents (she is 22!) since she doesn't sound particularly happy and fulfilled.

Lunar_Eclipse

ellay864 wrote: »

Just one thing though, I don't know what your business is but would you insist on any adult employee removing nail varnish? My DSD is 19, has dyed hair, wears bright nail varnish and has numerous tattoos but her employer recognises that has nothing to do with her ability to do her job

That is a very valid point. You can't have it both ways, either you treat her like your daughter or an employee at work.

duchy

I know she's an adult but I do think the same rule that applies to small children also applies in this case..........It's is pointless saying "If you do X I will do Y" and not follow through as the child knows there are no consequences so the threat of consequences has no teeth and they know it.

I'm sure she knows you are coming up for a busy time -and is expecting you to ask her to return. Frankly if you do -nothing will change. If you can grit your teeth -and wait til she asks to come back -you have some negociating power. Nothing to say you can't keep in touch and send her friendly texts saying " Hope you're having a good time at your Dad's " and sharing family chitchat -but don't mention work. Make it clear you are seperating family and work -say so if needs be.

When (and if I guess) she asks to return -explain to her you need to sit down and talk about it as a family as the current situation isn't working. You could offer her a choice of a trial period back working for you -but laying down expectations (on both sides-she *may* have some points about why the employment side doesn't work -and if you are having an adult discussion she's entitled to her say too) or say she needs to look for work elsewhere -which may be a better option to broaden her social network.
You're probably on dodgy ground anyway with her ESA and paying her as it sounds like she's "earning" below minimum wage and you're paying her off the books. If she's in sight of customers the odds of getting caught out and you getting fined and her claim been affected are probably higher than you imagine. Perhaps a justification to give her a gentle shove into the wider world ?

You haven't failed her -but I do think she may be getting mixed messages about whether she's an adult or a child from both you and her partner.

Tough love is never easy though !! Hope my thoughts have helped and maybe given some outside looking in perspective.

duchy

ellay864 wrote: »

She's 22, not a child. She won't suffer being at her dads, doing without Internet etc is not suffering, it'll do her good to appreciate what she's got with you. You give her £50 each week and she gets free board, that's more than many her age will get. Let her stay there and grow up.
Just one thing though, I don't know what your business is but would you insist on any adult employee removing nail varnish? My DSD is 19, has dyed hair, wears bright nail varnish and has numerous tattoos but her employer recognises that has nothing to do with her ability to do her job

I assumed she was doing food prep -but if there's a no nail varnish code for other employees it's only fair she is treated the same anyway. I can think of plenty of jobs where employers still expect a certain appearance be it hair tied back, no nail varnish or visable tats or peircings. Employers-like employees aren't all the same.

fireyfirenze

ellay864 wrote: »

Just one thing though, I don't know what your business is but would you insist on any adult employee removing nail varnish? My DSD is 19, has dyed hair, wears bright nail varnish and has numerous tattoos but her employer recognises that has nothing to do with her ability to do her job

I was thinking the business may be something to do with food, so it was for hygiene reasons, otherwise I can't think why she wouldn't be able to wear nail varnish.

Own_My_Own

You don't say why she is on ESA. I know some people will say it is not relevant, but if it is for something like asd then it is.
Although it is no excuse, her disability may be the reason she acts like she does.

julie8314dave

Wow thanks for all your positive answers, yes it is a food prep business, i had a young girl working for me before she came to the interview looking very sweet and prissy, i took her on, after 2 weeks of working she started wearing thick black make up, black lipstick black nail varnish (you get the picture) i lost a lot of customers (mainly oldies because of this)

I think its great that kids these days have personalties like this but there i believe is a time and a place, thats why i am adverse to this , but also my daughter was wearing jeans.

My daughter although very beautiful suffers from low self esteem and can not get herself to work as it is very traumatic for her (long story)
all she does for me is a bit of washing up and a few sandwiches etc.

I have spoken to her doctor about her working a few hours with me and to what way i pay her, he agrees that this is perfectly ok, as it will be the only way to get her to interact with other people, she refuses to go on any self esteem courses that have been set up for her. it has been a lifelong battle with her and i do not see an end.

julie8314dave

I said that my partner pays her out of his DECLARED income, and it is just money for her to spend on what she wishes, so no she is not claiming and working, it is just to build up confidence and self esteem.

i am not worried about her not working but merely do not know what else i can do, we live very rural and she has no freinds, nobody comes up to expectations, she moans if we have freinds round, sits upstairs on her computer the rest of the time, is so self rightous and thinks she knows everything, but outside she is a lost soul.

Just wondered how much more i can take. her dad does nothing to help just drinks and sits at home, i think she could be getting like him in thinking that the world owes him a living.