i found hidden drugs

mrs_angry

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

This^^^^

After the first time you understandably felt that he, and your marriage, deserved a second chance. Whether you go to to the police or not (might be pointless now you have got rid of the stuff?) you certainly need to consider whether you want to continue living with someone who is so dishonest.

so even if he was taking this recreationally say out with mates on a night out and its just his little secret is that really dishonest?
we all keep little things to ourselves, but mine is more like buying a pair of shoes and not telling him (because I don't really need them)
this seems a bit different to me or am I overreacting?

Idiophreak

mrs_angry wrote: »

so even if he was taking this recreationally say out with mates on a night out and its just his little secret is that really dishonest?
we all keep little things to ourselves, but mine is more like buying a pair of shoes and not telling him (because I don't really need them)
this seems a bit different to me or am I overreacting?

It's not just "a little secret"....he's either got an expensive little "habit" he's never mentioned, or he's routinely holding drugs for people - both of which are illegal.

He's also lied about it and actively tried to keep it from you.

I guess it's up to you as to whether it becomes a big deal or not...you have to ask yourself what you expect from a relationship...personally, I expect complete transparency - if my wife bought a new pair of shoes I'd know about it!...This doesn't seem to be the case for your marriage thus far ...and if that works for you, that's fine...

But, to be honest, it doesn't seem like it's working right now.

stir_crazy

mrs_angry wrote: »

so even if he was taking this recreationally say out with mates on a night out and its just his little secret is that really dishonest?
we all keep little things to ourselves, but mine is more like buying a pair of shoes and not telling him (because I don't really need them)
this seems a bit different to me or am I overreacting?

Is buying shoes illegal now? You can't put buying shoes on a par with taking, supplying or holding drugs - even if it is recreationally (like I said, I don't agree with it, but each to their own).

If your main issue is that he's hidden it from you, just ask. It gives your OH a chance to tell you his side. If it ends up in an argument, at least you know where you stand.

Bazey

fluffnutter wrote: »

You need to talk.

Hopefully when he's not mashed on coke, he will just talk utter nonsense.

Pee

mrs_angry wrote: »

so even if he was taking this recreationally say out with mates on a night out and its just his little secret is that really dishonest?
we all keep little things to ourselves, but mine is more like buying a pair of shoes and not telling him (because I don't really need them)
this seems a bit different to me or am I overreacting?

I think it's the same. And if you were buying shoes you didn't need every day or ever week, that would be a major problem, and if it's once in a while, it's ok.

I have to say I don't ever hide the clothes or shoes that I buy, but I know an awful lot of people who do.

Apart from the not talking is he hard working and kind and good with the children?

Dimey

I'd run a mile!

All the signs are there for you to see.

You gave him a chance 15 months ago. "Holding it for a friend" - my foot. No sane person would do that and risk being arrested. No sane person would have anything to do with the world of drugs.

Since then he's obviously spent a fortune of both your money and his, on this adolencently stupid habit that will eventually break him as a person and ruin both your life and his.

Tell him what you know and understand that he'll tell you a pack of lies to keep you sweet. Make him move out to get his act together and don't let him back till he can prove with regular hair follicle tests in conjunction with your GP that he's been clean for a year.

If he won't go then go yourself - save yourself. Legally separate till tests prove he's clean.

The person you are dealing with now is not the man you married. He has the potential to be that person again if he wants to be but till then you are dealing with an unpredictable, deceitful stranger.

I've gone a bit over the top but I wanted to shock you into thinking clearly.

lostinrates

mrs_angry wrote: »

so even if he was taking this recreationally say out with mates on a night out and its just his little secret is that really dishonest?
we all keep little things to ourselves, but mine is more like buying a pair of shoes and not telling him (because I don't really need them)
this seems a bit different to me or am I overreacting?

I don't keep buying shoes a secret from my husband. A surprise maybe, a secret no.

We don't all have little secrets at all.

Pee

Idiophreak wrote: »

It's not just "a little secret"....he's either got an expensive little "habit" he's never mentioned, or he's routinely holding drugs for people - both of which are illegal.

He's also lied about it and actively tried to keep it from you.

I guess it's up to you as to whether it becomes a big deal or not...you have to ask yourself what you expect from a relationship...personally, I expect complete transparency - if my wife bought a new pair of shoes I'd know about it!...This doesn't seem to be the case for your marriage thus far ...and if that works for you, that's fine...

But, to be honest, it doesn't seem like it's working right now.

Unless you know the OP's OH you can't really know whether he has a habit or how expensive it is. (We don't at this stage know whether it is coke or speed. There would be quite a price difference.)

mrs_angry

of course my shoe buying is not a secret nor an issue, I really only used it as an example of a little white lie I would conceal but would own up on being asked
"new pair of shoes love"
"no I have these for ages"
I have lots of friends who do this just because their husbands like mine moan if they opt to spend money out on more shoes, just because they want them.
but I would of course own up if he really pushed me for an honest answer because although im lying its not hurting anyone, this lie though in contrast is hurting me, because im not sure why he would keep it from me, shame? guilt? not wanting to rock a rocky boat?
yes he does work, he is a good dad, and he is kind but the fact is even if he is all these things he is also a liar, so you see the quandary, stay with a man who is these things and just accept he lies, or confront and then make up my mind as to what I want out of a marriage, whether I will put up with ANY lie from a man whos lies have ruined my life.

Joons

You definitely need to have it out with him, he clearly likes to hide things from you, the affair and now the drugs - not good signs of an honest man I'm afraid - it doesn't make him a druggie, he's probably a recreational user and I can tell you coke is expensive. I'd be so hurt that he hasn't told me about this, does that mean he's been out his head and you haven't even known? Tbh, the deceit seems to be part of his personality and only you can decide if it's worth `putting up with` but you must make it clear to him how you feel about this, show him what you've written here, maybe that will wake him up.