Homophobes Need Not Answer - Divorce and Relocation

jacques_chirac

frankie26 wrote: »

I dont know - I dont want to ask any questions of her at the moment as I need to get everything sorted and planned before I make any final decisions.

Your first priority is to find somewhere to live here, be that you moving out or your husband. This America idea needs to be treated as a pipe dream until you are settled here.

frankie26

claire16c wrote: »

You can't just move to the US.

To be frank unless you're an American citizen/have a US passport or have funds of millions to start a business with or work for a large company who can transfer your job there it won't be happening.

So instead of worrying about stuff that isn't going to happen start planning a new life here.

If you are an American or a millionaire then you probably don't need us lot to help you, you need a lawyer.

Im not planning a new life in the US, ive just said that my friend has offered to help. A new life here obviously is first and foremost.

marisco_2

frankie26 wrote: »

I know he wont be physically violent but he will be emotionally and verbally abusive. He doesnt like me going out, I barely have any friends and I just dont think I can wait until my youngest is 16.

I agree that you should seek the advice of a good solicitor about your divorce and take their professional guidance regarding relocating.

Personally I think it is awful for a parent to use a child against their partner when a relationship is facing problems or breaking down. The one who suffers the most from this type of conduct is the child, and they are least well equipped to cope and deal with the emotional fallout this causes.

When this happened previously I am guessing that your daughter was around 3 years old. Too young to be able to fully express her thoughts and feelings on the situation. Your husband would most likely get a rude awakening if he took the same approach with your youngest daughter this time. Being 9 she would be so much more aware of what he was trying to do, and she is able to speak up and state her preferences.

The part of your post that I have quoted concerned me. It would appear that your husband has been emotionally and verbally abusive in the past, and you suspect this would happen again. Reading between the lines of what you have disclosed he sounds controlling, and you are becoming isolated. It is naïve to assume that you know for sure he would not become violent. Abuse escalates, especially around the time when someone calls a day on a relationship and decides to walk away for good.

I would recommend you to contact Women's Aid. They have vast experience of helping families in similar situations to your own. I hope yourself and your daughters will be okay.

frankie26

heretolearn wrote: »

It's not as easy as that to just move to the US. You need to go through the immigration process, and it's hard. So I wouldn't be making that your plan, for now.

If you did manage to go there, then it is going to be down to a court to decide who your youngest lives with. Taking the child without permission of father or the court is child abduction.

Be better to make a plan for a new life in the UK.

I would never abduct my own children - although my husband has stooped to some levels over the years, I wont use my children like that.

claire16c

frankie26 wrote: »

Im not planning a new life in the US, ive just said that my friend has offered to help. A new life here obviously is first and foremost.

Unless your friend is a man who would marry you they won't be able to help. And even that doesn't guarantee entry!

You've been talking about courts, talking about if you can take your kids away and planting ideas in your eldests head all about something which is very unlikely if not impossible.

zzzLazyDaisy

It is unlikely in the extreme to be a contested divorce.

There is no provision for contesting the petitioner's reasons for believing that the relationship has irretrievably broken down - which is what most people want to do. Say you petition for divorce on the grounds of his unreasonable behaviour, and list a series of things that he has done, he can only contest the divorce if despite what you have said, the truth is that the marriage has not irretrievably broken down and you both still have a good future together.

Yes I know it sounds ridiculous, but it goes back to the days when the courts would listen to the husband and then say to the wife 'now then young lady, be a good girl and go home to your husband'. It now longer works like that in 21st century.

About 30 years ago I was involved in a divorce where the (very wealthy) husband was adamant that the marriage had not irretrievably broken down, and did in fact contest the divorce - this despite the fact that he had repeatedly banged his wife's head against the wall when she was recovering from surgery for a brain tumour, and despite the fact that her GP wrote to us saying 'if you do not manage to get her out of this marriage she will be dead before the year is out'. He spent about £30,000 on legal fees before his case was kicked out by the judge saying 'if one party to the marriage contract considers the marriage to have irretrievably broken down, then the marriage has clearly irretrievably broken down regardless of what the other party may wish to believe'.

And that sums it up really.

Yes he might not be happy about it, and there may be a lot of animosity and bad feeling, but these days anyone wanting to contest a divorce is unlikely to find a solicitor willing to antagonise the judge in that way!

frankie26

claire16c wrote: »

Unless your friend is a man who would marry you they won't be able to help. And even that doesn't guarantee entry!

You've been talking about courts, talking about if you can take your kids away and planting ideas in your eldests head all about something which is very unlikely if not impossible.

Firstly the friend is a female.

Secondly I am not planting ideas in my childs head, she has said she would want to leave the marriage with me because she is lesbian and her dad is homphobic!

claire16c

frankie26 wrote: »

Firstly the friend is a female.

Secondly I am not planting ideas in my childs head, she has said she would want to leave the marriage with me because she is lesbian and her dad is homphobic!

Right so in what way do you think your friend can help?

So why tell her you might be moving?

Alter_ego

Frankie, you talk of syphoning off money for yourself, do you intend not declaring it during the divorce financial settlement? Not at all advisable!

Rottensocks

Frankie;

Don't know how much you have saved, but obviously bear n mind you won't get legal aid for a family court matter these days, so you'll need some savings for that (like a few grand in legal fees if your ex is determined to be a pain).

So have some money put by for legal fees, have some money put by for a deposit on a new place to live and a removals van, but don't go saving up lots more than this: you will simply have to declare it all anyway, and in the first instance at least, your husband will be entitled to half of it.

I doubt anyone minds very much whether you're gay, bi or whatever.