Homophobes Need Not Answer - Divorce and Relocation

frankie26

I am a married mum of 2 girls aged 15 and 9. My husband and I have been married for 17 years this year and together for 20 years this year. In 2001 we seperated for 6 months due to an extra-marital affair on my part, of which I am not proud of. When we seperated I saw a side to my husband I did not like as he used our daughter against me, as he had a friend who lived in a different part of the UK and it was "take me back or lose contact with our daughter". I went back as during the seperation he had alreay assaulted my boyfriend (hubby also had a girlfriend at the time) and I was extemely low in self-confidence.

We have obviously had another child sice then, but the marriage has been steadily crumbling for years and I have recenlty realised that I have been hiding my bisexuality for many years and buried it without ever acknowledging its existence. However thanks to a close friend, I have realised that this is one of the reasons why I am unhappy in the marriage and am plnning on filing for divorce.

My problem is I know he will contest it and I know he will try and use ou youngest against me. However I know have the support of a few good people who are willing to give me the emotional support I will need. Although I dont agree with people staying together for the kids, I realise this is what I have been doing all along and to minimise the impact and plan better I ahve deided to do the following.

I have already set up an alternative email adress and opened my own savings account. I work part time and get paid in cash and therefore wll be saving some of this and also we are coming into some money soon which I may be able to syphon off some to give myself some financial assistance. I am then planning on filing for divorce next year. A goood friend who lives in America has offered her place as sanctuary for a few weeks if I wish to escape for a holiday when I file, to clear my head and get perspective. She has also offered to help me relocate if I decide to. My eldest who is not close to her dad as he is homophobic and she came out this year, has said she wants to come with me, but Im torn.

If I leave the country I dot see the courts allowing me to take our youngest with me, but if I stay here I knw that he will try to make my life unbearable and make me come back. I know he wont be physically violent but he will be emotionally and verbally abusive. He doesnt like me going out, I barely have any friends and I just dont think I can wait until my youngest is 16.

Also my eldest has started to notice the arguements and behavios, making the decision to call it a day easier. Im 39 and this decision has not been taken lightly. Has anyone else here had similar issues regarding divorce and relocation?

pigpen

Assuming your youngest is 10/11ish they would probably be asked who they wanted to live with if he contested custody/residency so unless you had a very good reason to prevent dad from having custody there isn't much you can do.

If you can show you would be taking children to a safe environment and had a job lined up and accommodation it is likely he couldn't do anything about you taking the youngest child with you if you relocated. Obviously he would be entitled to contact still which you would have to arrange.

You really need legal advice because nothing is quite that cut and dried. Maybe speaking to Womens Aid will give you an idea what you can expect too.

heretolearn_2

It's not as easy as that to just move to the US. You need to go through the immigration process, and it's hard. So I wouldn't be making that your plan, for now.

If you did manage to go there, then it is going to be down to a court to decide who your youngest lives with. Taking the child without permission of father or the court is child abduction.

Be better to make a plan for a new life in the UK.

jacques_chirac

Can I suggest changing your title and editing your post to focus on your query (divorce and relocation)? The sexuality of the parties is not in the least bit relevant.

peachyprice

Sweetheart, I know it's tempting, but do you realise just how hard it is to get into the US to live, especially with no financial backing and two children that will need support. It's difficult enough for a stable family unit with a sponsor.

Go for the holiday to clear your head, but don't get your or your daughters hopes up that you just will be able to up sticks and start a new life there.

double_mummy

what would your little one prefer would they want to live with you or their dad? have you actually asked them?

frankie26

"It's not as easy as that to just move to the US. You need to go through the immigration process, and it's hard. So I wouldn't be making that your plan, for now.

If you did manage to go there, then it is going to be down to a court to decide who your youngest lives with. Taking the child without permission of father or the court is child abduction.

Be better to make a plan for a new life in the UK."

I know it isnt easy, I also dont know whether I would like it there, which is why I am planning a holiday there first. This is because I know a contested divorce would take a long time to complete and need to be here for that.

claire16c

You can't just move to the US.

To be frank unless you're an American citizen/have a US passport or have funds of millions to start a business with or work for a large company who can transfer your job there it won't be happening.

So instead of worrying about stuff that isn't going to happen start planning a new life here.

If you are an American or a millionaire then you probably don't need us lot to help you, you need a lawyer.

frankie26

double_mummy wrote: »

what would your little one prefer would they want to live with you or their dad? have you actually asked them?

I dont know - I dont want to ask any questions of her at the moment as I need to get everything sorted and planned before I make any final decisions.

neneromanova

frankie26 wrote: »

Nice to see some people just like to bring people down to their level.

Dont worry about this person. They're a troll who puts these "useful" posts on loads of different threads. Yours isn't the first and I'm guessing it won't be the last. I've reported him though.

frankie26

peachyprice wrote: »

Sweetheart, I know it's tempting, but do you realise just how hard it is to get into the US to live, especially with no financial backing and two children that will need support. It's difficult enough for a stable family unit with a sponsor.

Go for the holiday to clear your head, but don't get your or your daughters hopes up that you just will be able to up sticks and start a new life there.

I hvaent got anyones hopes up, and I know immigration is hard as ive seen a close friend deal with it, im just thinking of it as a possible future option.