Someone in my team just got engaged!!! Man I'm jealous!

Torry_Quine

Lagoon wrote: »

I see.

I thought that was what you'd been saying. You get engaged and THEN take time to discuss marriage and your future. That way, if your views aren't compatible you have time to find out and break off the engagement.

No I don't see the point of getting engaged and years later nothing has changed. The thought of being engaged and still at home with my parents for a long time is strange to say the least to me.:o

Marriage preparation classes can also help with discussing your future plans together.

Lagoon

Torry_Quine wrote: »

No I don't see the point of getting engaged and years later nothing has changed. The thought of being engaged and still at home with my parents for a long time is strange to say the least to me.:o

Marriage preparation classes can also help with discussing your future plans together.

So (and I'm genuinely interested, not being awkward!), if you believe that it's strange to talk about your future before you're engaged, but also believe that a marriage proposal should be followed fairly quickly by wedding planning, where do you fit in the discussions about the future and the opportunity to get to know your partner's hopes and beliefs on a deeper level?

Would this be quite a quick process, in your eyes? Sit down once engaged, ask each other questions and get a general idea?

It took us a good couple of years, before we got engaged, to talk through everything from our career hopes to our thoughts on raising children. It was in that time that I discovered OH was more traditional than I was, that he never wanted to live abroad, that he had a more frivolous attitude to money than I did, that he was expecting to be a much stricter and less liberal parent than I was....etc, etc. None of it was forced, but these topics came up over time and slowly we filled in the pieces and formed a picture of how we'd work together and what compromises we could make.

You're making it sound (and I'm sure I'm missing something) that discovering everything about your partner should be a relatively quick process post-proposal, so that the wedding plans can begin.

Torry_Quine

Lagoon wrote: »

So (and I'm genuinely interested, not being awkward!), if you believe that it's strange to talk about your future before you're engaged, but also believe that a marriage proposal should be followed fairly quickly by wedding planning, where do you fit in the discussions about the future and the opportunity to get to know your partner's hopes and beliefs on a deeper level?

Would this be quite a quick process, in your eyes? Sit down once engaged, ask each other questions and get a general idea?

It took us a good couple of years, before we got engaged, to talk through everything from our career hopes to our thoughts on raising children. It was in that time that I discovered OH was more traditional than I was, that he never wanted to live abroad, that he had a more frivolous attitude to money than I did, that he was expecting to be a much stricter and less liberal parent than I was....etc, etc. None of it was forced, but these topics came up over time and slowly we filled in the pieces and formed a picture of how we'd work together and what compromises we could make.

You're making it sound (and I'm sure I'm missing something) that discovering everything about your partner should be a relatively quick process post-proposal, so that the wedding plans can begin.

Well the wedding plans from memory started relatively soon afterwards while also looking for a flat to buy. We 'knew' we were on the same page through our normal conversations while still just going out although we did start as friends. I suppose I mean that by the time of the proposal he knew that I was the person to build his life with and by accepting I was agreeing.

By two years after first going out we were married and in our own home and the thought of having to have worked out things like attitudes before even getting engaged seems as strange to me as my way does to you.

One of the huge differences between us is that engagement to us was at the start in our journey to living together and we spent a few hours together each week whereas you were already living together and so engagement is not the precursor to living together.

paulineb_2

lori64 wrote: »

What is it with women and expensive rings?????
Does it prove someone's love??? NO!! Some guys will buy you one, just to shut you up!!

If the ring is a major priority over anything else for you...then you really should NOT be entangling yourself to someone!!
Im a life long singleton....and if I did actually meet the man off my dreams..the ring would be the last thing on my mind!!!

I dont think this comes across as bitter at all.

If I met someone I really loved and wanted to get engaged to them it wouldnt matter to me if the ring cost £20.

And also, some men do get engaged and so do some women and still cant stay faithful. I know several long term couples who were sleeping with other people on the run up to their weddings, call it alcohol or call it blind panic. But if you profess to love someone and you have this rock on your finger and huge wedding coming up, why on earth are you sleeping with other people? I know someone who slept with someone else on her hen night for goodness sake and 10 years and 3 kids later her husband still doesnt know.

Some people do get engaged for all the wrong reasons.

ska_lover

duchy wrote: »

I wouldn't have a bridesmaid who showed such lack of class :eek:

It is no ones business how much a gift cost and only the shallow who'd think it mattered anyway. An engagement ring is meant to be a token of a promise no more no less.

Oh I agree, I must admit the same thought occured to me

ska_lover

paulineb wrote: »

I know someone who slept with someone else on her hen night for goodness sake and 10 years and 3 kids later her husband still doesnt know.

Some people do get engaged for all the wrong reasons.

Oh my god! That is the most shocking thing on this thread.

Nowt as queer as folk hey

ViolaLass

Torry_Quine wrote: »

Well the wedding plans from memory started relatively soon afterwards while also looking for a flat to buy. We 'knew' we were on the same page through our normal conversations while still just going out although we did start as friends. I suppose I mean that by the time of the proposal he knew that I was the person to build his life with and by accepting I was agreeing.

By two years after first going out we were married and in our own home and the thought of having to have worked out things like attitudes before even getting engaged seems as strange to me as my way does to you.

One of the huge differences between us is that engagement to us was at the start in our journey to living together and we spent a few hours together each week whereas you were already living together and so engagement is not the precursor to living together.

So you had discussed these things before getting engaged but you don't think others should. Don't quite follow you there.

Torry_Quine

ViolaLass wrote: »

So you had discussed these things before getting engaged but you don't think others should. Don't quite follow you there.

No we hadn't discussed these things before as I keep saying. Yes we'd had conversations but I honestly can't remember that we discussed things as so said 'knew' in quotes to emphasise this. Our normal conversations were while having a stroll in the evening for instance and nothing more than that. As we are both Christians then we knew that things like not living together were something we agreed on. It was only a few short months before we were in love and wanting to build a life together. How is that any different to couples who move in together after a short time but have never discussed the future in any depth?

Dunroamin

Torry_Quine wrote: »

No we hadn't discussed these things before as I keep saying. Yes we'd had conversations but I honestly can't remember that we discussed things as so said 'knew' in quotes to emphasise this. Our normal conversations were while having a stroll in the evening for instance and nothing more than that. As we are both Christians then we knew that things like not living together were something we agreed on. It was only a few short months before we were in love and wanting to build a life together. How is that any different to couples who move in together after a short time but have never discussed the future in any depth?

Plenty of Christians live together without being married so it's hardly a forgone conclusion that you wouldn't.

I have to say that I'd be very reluctant to marry someone without knowing that their lifetime plans were on similar lines to mine, or at least without giving us both the opportunity to seek acceptable compromises.

Many couples who move in together are doing this as part of the getting to know each other process rather than because they're making a lifetime commitment to each other.

pigpen

paulineb wrote: »

I know someone who slept with someone else on her hen night for goodness sake and 10 years and 3 kids later her husband still doesnt know

I know 2 men who spent their stag night with other women and one even got ready at his womans house, went to the church and married my friend.. Some people should just be cats!

My OH made it quite clear he never wanted to marry and that was fine by me but I had just escaped from a crappy relationship of 20 years.. I don't want the ownership of marriage but I want him to want to marry me.. being female and a bit nutty .. If he asked I'd say no.