The OS Doorstep - a helpful and supportive thread in these tough times

nuttyp

morning all, Sheila, is there no way that you could have carer's come in and just help with getting your husband up in the morning and then again later on getting him ready for bed. My friend goes into many homes a day just for 20 mins or so. She gets the person washed and dressed or if they have been done by the time she arrives - she will do some jobs in fact whatever they ask. If they need some groceries from the shop or precriptions collecting she does it and returns with them later on.

Maybe some help for an hour a day would be good, even if you just get the chance to walk to the corner shop for a paper on your own it would be a big step forward.

I think a good heart felt chat with your doctor and also the case worker is needed, let the tears and frustration flow and if you can make a list of what help you need before going that will be useful too.

I hope you don't mind me butting in, if I lived closer I would pop by and help you on my day off.

Mum has just appeared, when dad was alive he did a savings insurance thing for my girls and youngest turned 18 so hers has matured now - Its a lot of money - so thankyou to my dad and mum for doing such a thoughtful thing. The cheque will be placed into her ISA, and with instructions not to spend it unless its for uni or first car/home.

I have work today, not in until lunchtime. I just hope things go alright this week. Havent heard anything from the meeting yesterday.

Take care everyone x

Cheapskate

Shegar, when my granddad was dying, mum promised him that she'd look after grandma (his wife, her mum), fast forward several more years and grandma had dementia. When it started to get really bad, mum would sleep at her house, do breakfast, wash up, and generally be with her, then my dad would go round after lunch, do tea until mum returned. They "lived" like that for over 18 months, nearly killed them, but eventually grandma had to be placed in a home. Mum was distraught for ages, cos she'd promised her dad she wouldn't, but you never know what's coming, and they did so much for her until they were on their knees.

If it was me, and it might come to that for us as my mum now has dementia, I would keep talking to him about the future need to go into care, as gently and as often as possible; if you end up in hospital he'd have to go somewhere in an emergency, not ideal! It's sort of like planning a funeral, not always the cheeriest of conversations, but necessary, and if planned well, you and hubby will work out what's best.

Hope this doesn't come across all wrong and sorry to waffle a bit! Feel free to pm me if you like.

A xo

Broomstick

I've been catching up on some of this thread and just wanted to send you a hug (((((Shegar)))))

B x

kidcat

Shegar - ((hugs)) its a really hard thing to have to consider, and I can appreciate how traumatic it must be. The only thing I will add to what others have already asked - think back to when your husband was well -what would he have advised you to do in this situation? Would he have wanted you to be killing yourself like this? Only you can decide this as either way your life is affected, we will however support you with what ever decision you make.
(PS Personally I wouldnt tell him its permanent if you go that route, tell him its a few months while you get your health sorted. YOu can go forwards from there)

[Deleted User]

Morning Toughies, I'm so in step with all of you facing difficult decisions about parents with dementia and general care problems and parteners with huge health issues that are progressively getting more difficult to cope with on your own. We faced the same issues with our parents and felt the guilt when the care we could provide was not enough for what was needed by the parent. I think in retrospect that the act of placing a needy person in an environment that is safer and clearly better for thier needs, if they have medical issues too, with trained carers giving medications and generally looking after them IS caring for them, it's much better for them to have people doing the caring who are not worn out by being the sole carer, at least in a care home there are shifts of different people who are not worn out or worn down and are able to cope. I know the guilt of feeling that I've given in, but when I think of how disruptive and tiresome it was living on the edge of our seats waiting for the telephone call that was the next emergency to deal with, with a young family and thier needs to consider too I now feel that giving the help and the responsibility to professionals WAS the best thing for parents and us too. I know how hard it is to make the decision but it is the RIGHT one for all parties concerned. Hugs Lyn xxx.

FairyPrincessk

Shegar,

This must be such an exhausting and heart wrenching time for you. Obviously full time care is difficult for you and your husband to accept for many many reasons, but I wonder if you might be able to make the conversations easier by breaking up some of those reasons and discussing practical ways to deal with them. For example, is he particularly upset by not getting to spend much time with you? Would it be possible for you to make a list of dates, activities and visits and show him the frequency with which you could truly enjoy your time together if you were less run down?

Of course this will not solve everything, it will still be a difficult decision. Just a thought.

Big hugs,
FPK

ginnyknit

Sheila, I have no useful suggestions just here for support. I do agree that you would have quality time together if he was in a home and life would probably be much better for both of you. thats the point really BOTH of you. Thinking of you hugs Ginny xx

Of to buy a coat, I have to give in as I either look like a tramp in my old one or get soaked in a chunky cardi. Oh lost his temper with me when we were away the other week as I was dripping wet and shivering. Evans have a 20% off sale so taking DD for one too ( she is paying for her own of course) I hate clothes shopping at the best of times but needs must.

stiltwalker

Big hugs from me too Shegar. What a position to be in, there have been some good suggestions, I like FPK's idea (and others) of accentuating the positive aspects re enjoyable time together.


Well it's a long time since I cried at school but did this morning on the class TA as the kids had all gone into the class - Had seen a little girl giving out invites to the girls in DD's class and not to DD, so I thought ok, I can deal with this, until little girl said to me all in innocence on her way into class "I made one for ..... but mummy didn't give it to her" I just said "oh that's a shame" but must have looked a bit shell shocked as TA asked me if I was OK and I cried all over her.


Just really cross now and feel like saying something catty in the playground like don't worry, Joubert's isn't catching, but prejudice is!! I won't though - will be the bigger person.


Hope today improves for all of us.

[Deleted User]

STILTWALKER Helen, that is a thoughtless and unkind act from an adult who should know better. I'm itching to slap faces!!! but as I'm a civilised adult I'll keep itching and wait for her reaction if her little one is excluded from a party in the future. As long as your little one isn't upset at not being invited than you can say it's just one of those things, if she is upset it might be worth having a chat to the staff at school as they will give your DD the support to get through this and cope with the situation. Parenthood isn't easy even on a good day is it love? Hugs and Love Lyn xxx.

stiltwalker

School know - since I cried on the TA!! DD will take it in her stride no doubt as she does everything else! You're more diplomatic with words than I feel ATM - I'd go further than thoughtless and say downright cruel and bigoted! Hardest bit is that the little girl had obviously wanted to invite DD but the mother had vetoed it.


Today just gets better and better (not, lol) as DD's renewal forms for DLA have just arrived in the post so will need to get cracking with that