The OS Doorstep - a helpful and supportive thread in these tough times

Molly41

Rosanna79 wrote: »

EEE By gum it's hot!! It was something like 94 F on the garden thermometer this afternoon. As we've a trip coming up to MIL I stayed back home whilst OH headed off to help at the Parish Garden party. I wasn't getting out on my bike or going anywhere until after 5 pm- a useful rule I learned when living in the Middle East 35 years ago- Never go in the sun between 11 & 3 if you can help it. Just as I headed off on the bike we had a quick rain shower. It was wonderful! The pollens are certainly flying about as I was obliged to get out the reliever inhaler during the ride around the shops.

My MIL who will be 85 shortly has spent decades being the most awkward , difficult individual it is possible to imagine. She apparently likes me because I have a degree!!!- ridiculous reason for liking someone- and my very talented, practical OH has been treated in the most dismissive offhand way imaginable all his life. He has, thankfully, given up trying to get her approval.

Whatever talents / aptitude he has shown for anything has been sneered at , poked fun at or she has simply refused to believe that he has done or made whatever it is she's observed. Overall he has been made to feel like an outsider in his own family. Suffice to say that members of my family have made him feel much more as though he belongs.

Whatever gifts are given to MIL she's rude/ ungracious and gives everything away. So we just don't bother that much anymore other than some fresh produce from the garden which she does appreciate.

Oh is a superb calligrapher / sign writer so when I say that this year he asked me to write her birthday card you can imagine how he's feeling. I'm a retired health professional with the handwriting that tends to go with that unless I really take my time.

As a young man he was given an outlet for these skills by a church minister who used to get him making notice boards and posters. This pastor gave him a very old leather bound, hand illuminated book given to a man in Wisbech 115 years ago with a 'purse of 100 sovereigns'. For 40 years the book lay on our bookshelves and only recently OH decided to research the origins of this book.

Upshot of all this is that after what looks like being a really miserable day with MIL- despite my making a cake etc OH is to have the pleasure of an official reception with various civic dignitaries as he returns the book to the town. I'm so glad for him. It's something pleasant to look forward to.

Every time we head to see MIL our hearts sink. We do not look forward to the experience. Some 12 years ago when I was in a London hospital after major surgery she was my first visitor and absolutely fine with me. A couple of our friends from Essex arrived. After the relevant introductions were made she literally turned her chair 180 degrees so all we could see was her back!! To say I was embarrassed was an understatement. I find such snobbery & antisocial behaviour really hard to grasp?

My own parents were difficult but had nothing on this lady! Extreme snobbishness, an insistence on living in a time warp and a refusal to mix make for a very miserable & isolated life. The toxicity of such contact permeates every contact which is kept as short as is decently possible.

Does anyone else have experience of this kind of behaviour? If we subscribed to the Hindu belief of reincarnation we would have to assume that we'd done something truly dreadful in an earlier life to deserve this level of difficult parents!

Either way I consider we've got a PHD apiece in dealing with awkward s**ds!!

There has been a few threads on Narcissistic mothers which might be relevant http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/search.php?searchid=147556189

PRINCESSX87

Evening all.

Thanks for all the support and advice given about the A/Dmeds. I have consulted my OH & we both agree that maybe now is the time toget some further assistance rather than suffering more than needed. I’m alsoconsidering the vitamin supplements as an alternate.

The dreaded neighbour reared her ugly attitude again lastnight. This time the pleasure was at 2am & continued on well until 7:30am.

I’m very tempted to report her to authorities but I can’tfind online where I need to report. She and her “friends” also damaged another neighbour’scar. Which hasn’t gone down well at all!



The temperature here today was more than expected. Itreached 35c which I think everyone apart from me enjoyed. I’m much more of awinter person.

During the hot spells OH & I decided to bite the bullet& crack on with a huge list of things we’ve wanted to get done. Sufferedfor hours – But finally we achieved:-

· Cut the grass

· De-weed the plant pots and get rid of some mysteriousmushrooms that suddenly appeared

· Move the living room around

· De-cluttered

· Get the shop load in, Coming in under budgetagain

· Bath doggers.



Now it’s cooler & OH, both doggers & kitties aresleeping, I’m going to bleach the kitchen. One of the downsides to having depression wrongly medicated for me islack of sleep.

Busy day for me tomorrow – So I’m hoping to catch up eithertomorrow night or Monday first thing.

Take care all.

monnagran

It's going to be a hot night and I've dug out my fan which I shall run all night if necessary.

Well done Mar and Sheila. I've also been taking Kelp and while it hasn't had the miraculous effect felt by those two I look back over the past week and see that I have achieved a lot more than usual without the grim effort that I usually have to put in to get myself going. You do have to take it for a few weeks before you feel the benefit though.

Rosanna: Sympathy! Just be thankful that you don't live too close to your MIL. Mine was French and was actually a brave lady. Came over here during the war to join the Free French, was drafted into SOE, parachuted behind enemy lines, had close friends captured and tortured by the Gestapo....and was a right pain in the backside.
When my FIL was killed in a car crash she was quite badly injured and when she came out of hospital I went over to France to look after her. Then she announced that she was going to come over and live with me!!!!!!! :eek::eek::eek: My two teenage boys were horrified and I was Super-Horrified.:eek: I suggested that she tried it for a month to see how it went. I have never known a month go so slowly.

She was so rude to people in shops that I used to carry a card saying SORRY that I could hold up behind her back.

We finally shovelled her on to a plane to go home and as she disappeared to the departure lounge there were three ecstatic people doing the Highland Fling in the middle of Gatwwick airport.:j:j:j:j:j:j:j:j

However, she deemed the visit a great success and started making plans to sell her house in France. It was time for desperate measures. I moved into the tiniest cottage you can imagine, in the middle of nowhere. She could never understand it. i felt awful though because when my eldest DS got married she thought she was coming to stay with me, but I had relatives coming out of my ears and was having to post them all round in various friends' houses. I knew I couldn't inflict her on anyone so booked her in to the swishest hotel in the town. But she refused to come and on the day of the wedding she committed suicide. So I have felt guilty ever since.
Heigh Ho!

How did I get on to this gloomy subject? What a story to go to bed on.

x

[Deleted User]

Good Morning chums, beautiful day again,the sun is up and shining already.I have some baking to do which I will get out of the way before it gets too hot.Both of my DDs are coming this morning as its the 10 anniversary of losing their Dad.It was a blistering hot day that day as well.The summer of 2003 seemed to be endless days of very hot weather.It only rained on the morning of his funeral.I can hardly believe that 10 years have shot by.So much has happened in that time I have a beautiful new grandson the following year which cheered us all up and then a couple of years after that I went through the worry of cancer and a mastectomy and chemo and r/therapy.I got the all clear last month and now look forward to my reconstuction in September.The grandchildren have all grown up and the eldest DGD is now happily engaged and the other DGD is starting her final year in Sepember at Uni.The eldest DGS is settled in a career in a job he loves.The other four grandsons are doing well at school and growing like weeds.I would like to think that he would be very happy to see how they have all turned out.
Myself I am ten years older, with a few more grey hairs and inches round the tum, but much about the same as I was when I first met and married at 19 back in the early 1960s.I still miss his laughter and his daft jokes but you do learn to live with loss and to focus on the good things he left behind.
For me it was my two smashing daughters and their children.I couldn't wish for a better legacy.
Losing your OH is a dreadful thing to happen but like breaking a leg ,you may limp a bit but you will learn to walk again.I limp now and again but I do also walk and smile and today we will remember a great Dad,husband and my best friend
JackieO xxx

VJsmum

Morning all.

monna, I know from bitter experience that someone doesnt commit suicide for any reason except their own mental health. And certainly not just out of spite, tho the shocking timing takes some understanding - remorse? Regret? General loneliness and desperation? Particularly if they are that unlovable, there must be many regrets. It wasn't yours or anybody elses fault - sometimes people make a decision that is hard for anyone else to understand, especially when they are no longer here to tell you. My BiL's death was no surprise to us - there had been previous attempts and we knew there was only one way it was likely to end. He left 2 very small children whom he adored, I know that the only way he can have done that was because he was desperate and could see no other way forward.

JackieO - my sympathies on such a hard day. I hope you and yours have a day of memories and laughter.

I am running a birthday party for a bunch of 17 year olds today. bouncy castle is due soon, jelly is setting - well the green and the orange are, just the red to make. Pass the parcel wrapped and quiz written. They will be decorating their own cup cakes, which are made. So just some rolls to buy and make up, and pizzas to cook.

Wish me luck!

Possession

Good luck VJ's Mum, sounds noisy! But hopefully less mess than when I did cupcake decorating with a load of 7 yr olds ....
And you put it much better than I would have done, so thinking of you both Monnogran and JackieO.
Spending the day with friends today, doing a few little chores and attempting to stay cool.

SDG31000

Hello Everyone

VJsmum DS1 hit back at someone that had been bullying him for over a year and broke his glasses he hit him that hard. DS1 is by no means violent and it was a one off. I hope you are all feeling calmer now and I'm sure it won't happen again.

JackieO A huge hug to you and your family (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

I've had a headache since Thursday and I think it is to do with the high pressure and increase in the pollen count. I will be soooooo glad when it finally goes. I'm collecting for Marie Curie this afternoon in the city centre, so I'm hoping that it isn't so hot and that I'll have some shade to stand in. The whole family is suffering with the heat and hayfever at the moment. We are definitely not suited to hot weather.

Time to go and have a soak in the bath and to get water bottles from the freezer.

Take care everyone xxxx

Pooky

Morning all

Low cloud and a nice breeze here today, looks like it may stay that way which suits me.

VJs - good luck for the party, 17 year old girls are always very noisy. You'll have a blast.

Monna - Roseanna - my first MIL was unbelievable, her spite, callousness and sheer hatred of me was astounding. I was responsible for everything wrong in her life and every time I welcomed her into my home there was a barbed comment or shed turn up 2 hours late, her way of trying to take control (not in my house lady!). Funnily enough the day I left her son and he turned up on her door step with his bags she phoned me and begged me to take him back as she didn't want him living with her. She died before our divorce was final, according to everyone it was my fault, the stress killed her (the fact that she had cancer was besides the point) I was told I wasn't welcome to the funeral. The family haven't spoken to me since. Their loss cos I'm lovely!

My new MIL is lovely, a very forthright woman and I've learnt that she prefers it straight....when they decided to sell their house a couple of months ago so they could move to our village I asked why so close. She said, so you can be there for us as we get old. I politely pointed out that I'm doing my best looking after son, the prognosis moving forward isn't great and things will get increasingly more difficult. In the end I managed to get FIL on side and found a beautiful house about 4 miles away with stunning sea views, they saw it, fell in love with it and move in August!

Had a great evening with friends last night, they didn't leave until 2am which is unheard of, the kids were fab, it's so nice they can join in on an adult level now (my DDs are 15 & 17 and friends DS is 17), theyve been brought up together so have a very firm loyal friendship and similar senses of humour. Everyone else is still asleep but I needed to get up to feed fluffy kitten who is currently chasing her brother around the living room, she's feeling better!

JackieO - hope today is full of love and laughter for you. Your family and late husband sound wonderful x
Last nights food went down well and I didn't spend a penny, it all came from stores. That's my idea of a good night!

ginnyknit

JackieO what a beautiful post, I do hope you and yours have a lovely day full of good memories.

monnagran how selfish to do that on someones wedding day. I wonder how she went from being so brave to so horrible, its usually because someone enables them.

Oooh Pooky you did well there hunny sorting out your MIL - well done, you have enough on your flipping plate.

When my Dad died my Mum was moved 'nearer my brother so he and his wife could look after her ' :mad: so now I have to do a 45 mile round trip to do all those things they dont have a clue about. Maybe if they actually took time to get to know her it would be better. Luckily she is quite fit but she has always been lacking in confidence and knows she can ring me for advice and a laugh. They did look after her quite well after her recent op but didnt understand she needed to be in her own home asap so she had to stand her ground.

Well better go and get stuff done, minimal cooking today me thinks

fuddle

JackieO I hope you have a lovely day with your family today. So sorry to read of such worrying health troubles but relieved to know you're on the way up. I'm also thrilled you post with us now. I've read your posts for ages elsewhere on OS and always find myself nodding along with your words.

Monnagran, one thing I'm realising is that with each year that goes past we have to deal with more and more. I wonder what else there is for me to deal with and hope to goodness that I still have my marbles when I am in my 70's.

Been around my mam yesterday. She confided that work know about her drinking issues as it was obvious in her demeanour that something was wrong. They referred her to occupational health and is getting councelling. Sister is angry that she did it for work and not for us. I don't give a rats, just pleased she's getting help and facing up. Se looked so much better so here's hoping.

Got our Sun holiday booked. £39 but will be more with entertainment passes and the dog. North Yorkshire in October. Have to take the girls out of school though as nothing left in the holidays. I'm not happy but I see people away for 2 weeks left right and centre at the moment so I hope it won't be an issue.

Thank you for the kelp info. DH is paid tomorrow so I'm seriously giving it some thought.

Realised that we won't be moving at Christmas because our savings (separate pot to emergency fund) isn't healthy enough and we need and extra 6 months. In quite relieved as didn't fancy moving Christmas week again.

DH won £20 fishing yesterday!

Also got a small BBQ from car boot this morning for couple £. I'm wondering how I can use it in SHTF scenarios? Fire lighters, wood and sticks etc?

Oh Sheila! I bleached my cloths yesterday. I'm chuffed they're white and smell free. Will be doing that again!

Making curry for tea. Do my shopping list for tomorrow. Flapjack and popcorn popping for packed lunches as well as egg mayo mixing up. Soak DH porridge in milk overnight, add drizzle honey and voila.

Sorry it was long. Enjoy the rest of the day everyone x