Social Support

top_drawer_2

Lost in Rates - Now that is useful advice - I guess it would help people to know more about my issues. As I've been told so often (by family/friends) that I am odd as I don't go clubbing / have an array of bf's or other consequences of my issues. I have become adept at trying to hide them (not very well though). Your post has reminded me that I noticed this when someone I work with introduced a ex-colleague to another (newer) colleague as "she's been a bit mad recently too" i.e she has suffered with depression too.

I do have issues with being touched and am not a huggy type of person, but I'm finding that the more I relax I feel that I can cope with hugs to an extent. I even kissed someone hello, a few weeks ago. I will keep this in mind and maybe refer to it which could go some way to tackling the white elephant sat in the corner.

lostinrates

top_drawer wrote: »

Lost in Rates - Now that is useful advice - I guess it would help people to know more about my issues. As I've been told so often (by family/friends) that I am odd as I don't go clubbing / have an array of bf's or other consequences of my issues. I have become adept at trying to hide them (not very well though). Your post has reminded me that I noticed this when someone I work with introduced a ex-colleague to another (newer) colleague as "she's been a bit mad recently too" i.e she has suffered with depression too.

I do have issues with being touched and am not a huggy type of person, but I'm finding that the more I relax I feel that I can cope with hugs to an extent. I even kissed someone hello, a few weeks ago. I will keep this in mind and maybe refer to it which could go some way to tackling the white elephant sat in the corner.

I think a clear line to draw might be what is personal and what is 'medical'. There is no shame in any diagnosis really, but some have very personal implications.

For example....you mention depression, a very common problem in varying degrees. It's ok to let people know (if appropriate) that you have suffered or do suffer from depression but I would also balance this by not going further into how it impacts you until you know the person well and already consider them a friend. The first is a diagnosis, the second is personal.

I think depression is a particularly difficult one because it is true that some people will draw back from people currently suffering a depressive period. This doesn't have to mean they don't like the person or might not make a good friend at a later stage, but it might for example, be a situation where they are scared or already feel they have full plates.

top_drawer_2

lostinrates wrote: »

I think a clear line to draw might be what is personal and what is 'medical'. There is no shame in any diagnosis really, but some have very personal implications.

For example....you mention depression, a very common problem in varying degrees. It's ok to let people know (if appropriate) that you have suffered or do suffer from depression but I would also balance this by not going further into how it impacts you until you know the person well and already consider them a friend. The first is a diagnosis, the second is personal.

I think depression is a particularly difficult one because it is true that some people will draw back from people currently suffering a depressive period. This doesn't have to mean they don't like the person or might not make a good friend at a later stage, but it might for example, be a situation where they are scared or already feel they have full plates.

Yes I understand that. I'm off like a shot if someone tells me too much about themselves (particularly medical/illnesses/issues they have). In fact I often feel uncomfortable when people divulge stuff as I just don't know what to say and end up sitting there either blankly staring or "uh mm, yes that must be terrible for you" which I feel is inappropriate in handling the situation. Although I see it in other people who also struggle with social situations. But then other people just seem to just know how to say the right thing at the right moment. I'm thinking about a specific situation which has happened this week, this person managed to negotiate the white elephant / offer some comfort and not say anything that would give the game away to obviously. Now that is what I would like to be able to do.

I find needy people very difficult to cope with (struggle to set boundaries) and oversharing is a common issue here so I tend to avoid oversharers.

I meant more along the lines of next time something similar comes up i.e meeting people then I might divulge that I find it difficult to make conversation with people. Which is true for me it tends to finish at where they live / work / do they have family / a dog or cat / any hobbies?

I tend not to share anything as I find it all too personal and worry that it will come back to bite me on the bottom. Plus that I sort of feel vulnerable, like I've given some of myself away and now they can see that I am not what they thought.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_penetration_theory

top_drawer_2

Funky_Bold_Ribena wrote: »

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_penetration_theory

What a scientific approach to relationships!

I remember this onion theory being mentioned in a counselling session I had some time ago. I didn't realise it was a theory in its own right.

Its great though as it perfect encapsulates the idea of how relationship develop - they are not natural at all really, they have predictable stages. Someone (who is good with computers) could programme a device "to build a relationship"

I will keep it in mind for the future and work on sharing just a little occasionally with the right person.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

top_drawer wrote: »

What a scientific approach to relationships!

I remember this onion theory being mentioned in a counselling session I had some time ago. I didn't realise it was a theory in its own right.

Its great though as it perfect encapsulates the idea of how relationship develop - they are not natural at all really, they have predictable stages. Someone (who is good with computers) could programme a device "to build a relationship"

I will keep it in mind for the future and work on sharing just a little occasionally with the right person.

Yes - some people need it. Which is why I posted it and why you should study it.

coolcait

top_drawer wrote: »

.... At what I felt was an appropriate moment I attempted to share something of myself (all sounds so clinical, it wasn't) and she just kind of looked a bit perplexed/stopped and then carried on ... at times, rambling. I did think she had just a little bit too much to drink (she is a bit of a lightweight, something I realised from the last meeting). I guess I'm wondering did I do right? Is this turning the conversation onto myself (an annoying habit I endure with a colleague)? Or was she drunk? a bit rude, in being uninterested in me.

..

TD

Maybe it simply wasn't the "appropriate moment" you thought it was. Hence the other person being perplexed.

It does sound like a clinical intervention, even though that may not have been the way that you meant it.

You also come across as being very disparaging about the woman you were talking to. Your post very clearly signposts us down the route of "she must have been drunk".

Maybe she was. Maybe not. She might have been taken aback by an inappropriate moment of sharing on your part, and trying to figure out how to deal with that.

You're very disparaging about the colleague whose "annoying habit [you] endure".

I read your thread about the 'texts misunderstanding'. Given your posts on that thread, and this one, it seems highly unlikely that internet advice alone is the best way forward for you.

So, I agree with those who have suggested that you seek professional help/support - however you want to word it.

pebbles88

top_drawer wrote: »

Despite stating from the OP that I am not interested in looking at dx and why, each response has stated that the only way forward is for me to seek dx. How is this helpful?

I work in care environment, with people who have many issues and I can tell you what a dx would do for me and that is nothing. It may give me a box to place myself in / additional stress in attending appointments and dragging over every aspect of my life but it won't open any doors to any help / support. Which I would find extremely frustrating. Quite simply because this support is reserved (and rightly so) for those who are the most needy/unable to cope/work and are at risk of having to enter social care.

It might help that I can say to my employer "I am autistic/have aspergers, so I will need more time to write that client report" Or I can skip the stress and say "Look I find it really difficult to write reports at short notice, so please can we set up a system to ensure that I am informed of the dates of meetings in good time. This will help me to offer a better service to clients." I guess I feel that I don't need to justify my needs under the umbrella of a dx.

Because sometimes you have to accept things, whether you want to or not, & whether it may hurt, be uncomfortable, initially add additional pressure etc.... In order for you to move on from it or deal with it in the best way for you.

It's not always easy.... But acceptance of things of things, can also bring the biggest reliefs. Xx

vanessav

I think that you should go easy on yourself. And go easy on other people too (I hope that doesn't offend you).
The late Sheldon Kopp wrote:'The problem is not that you are an outsider. It is that you don't realise that we are all outsiders.'
What I am trying to say is that everyone has gaps in their social skills. Even those who appear very socially competent have insecurities in life.
It is flattering that someone wanted confide in you. So don't knock being a good listener. With a lot of friendships I find that the other person starts by dominating conversation and once they get their news out of the way, they are prepared to listen to yours. So it is worth sticking with it (if you like them).
If you are looking for techniques or coaching or explanations, you have received some good advice on this thread. Professional intervention can help. Professionals are only people like you or I, of course, but it may be worth getting some guidance.

SuzieSue

You have to realise that there are some people who just want to talk about themselves and aren't interested in hearing about other people. My sister is very much like that - she can go on for hours about the issues she is having at work however, as soon as I start to talk about my work she just isn't interested. I put up with it because she is single and has no-one else to talk to.

I'm not saying that your friend is definitely like my sister, but she might be.