Social Support

top_drawer_2

Funky_Bold_Ribena wrote: »

TD.

What is it that you want from a friend?

To have things in common with someone - discuss things / to go to or do stuff with / to have a laugh with / do nothing / share stuff when I do something well or not so well / have someone I can depend on in times of need even if its only minor things.

I'm working on myself in becoming someone I myself would want to know as who honestly wants to spend time with someone who has been depressed the majority of their adult life / is self-absorbed - consumed by problems / doesn't have much to say / is uncomfortable with others feelings and doesn't "do" much.

TD

**professor~yaffle**

It sounds like you need to try and relax a bit, and not over-analyse things too much. Don't worry so much about what people think of you, as long as you are not rude or causing trouble (!) why should you not be able to just be yourself.

top_drawer_2

Person_one wrote: »

Please don't take this the wrong way, but, are you sure?

I've read quite a few of your posts now TD, and even very simple social situations are very difficult for you. You seem to struggle to communicate with other people on a pretty fundamental level, and I think the fact that you write well can mask that a bit on this forum.

Have you considered going to your GP?

No. Apart from living in a deprived area with massive problems and I would be taking up an appointment that should go to someone with bigger issues.

I already know that they would eventually conclude that as I cope (i.e I work, have some social contact/support etc) that it will be better all round to manage any consequences which may occur such as depression/anxiety. I know this as I work in a care environment and we have clients who have been told similar (although they don't work) they are coping in the environment and we are aware of their issues. A diagnosis is only needed when it will somehow benefit the person i.e for benefits/support in education or clarity as to what to do with them.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

top_drawer wrote: »

To have things in common with someone - discuss things / to go to or do stuff with / to have a laugh with / do nothing / share stuff when I do something well or not so well / have someone I can depend on in times of need even if its only minor things.

I'm working on myself in becoming someone I myself would want to know as who honestly wants to spend time with someone who has been depressed the majority of their adult life / is self-absorbed - consumed by problems / doesn't have much to say / is uncomfortable with others feelings and doesn't "do" much.

TD

See what I want from a friend is someone who likes me warts and all.

I do think you need to see someone about this.

top_drawer_2

I have another issue in that throughout the walk one of the other participants (male) was showing an immense amount of interest / checking up on me / insisting on sitting with me after the walk etc and the girl I was sat with commented on it.

The following day I received a "It was good to see you" email from this person, I am not interested in dating this person in any way. I'm thinking that as I've ignored it for 5 days I will just politely respond oblivious "It was nice to see you too, looking forward to the next meet-up" and that will be enough hopefully. I guess that's the answer really, although I still feel sad in a way that it could be a good way to get some of the things I would like.

top_drawer_2

Funky_Bold_Ribena wrote: »

See what I want from a friend is someone who likes me warts and all.

I do think you need to see someone about this.

Lol yeh and likes me warts and all but I suppose I'm not too keen on myself so how can I ask someone else to do that if I can't even imagine it myself?

Funky_Bold_Ribena

top_drawer wrote: »

Lol yeh and likes me warts and all but I suppose I'm not too keen on myself so how can I ask someone else to do that if I can't even imagine it myself?

That's why you need to see someone.

fredtheguava

Please don't take this as anything but well-meaning.

I've read a number of your posts, and then how you've responded when people have replied etc. And to be honest, you remind myself of me. A lot.

I have been diagnosed with Asperger's, but only in the last couple of years. Further to your point about a diagnosis only being useful for benefits etc., I'll give you some background:

I'm a 28 year old female. I got good GCSEs and A Levels, and went to University. I did a year abroad, in Canada, and then moved back there to work for a year when I graduated. I held two jobs there and made friends I still have very regular contact with 6 years later. On my return to England, I trained as a teacher and work full-time. I teach English, so it's not even an 'Autistic' subject.

None of that sounds like what people expect of an Autistic person. BUT I am on the Autistic spectrum, of that there is no doubt. For years I wondered what was 'wrong' with how I interacted. People would comment - one that sticks is that I *always* forget to say goodbye to people in a group that I don't know, only the ones who are my friends - and I didn't understand how other people did these things that came so naturally to them.

Now, with my diagnosis, I am able to research strategies. I'm able to ask for help from people I know and trust. I'm able to preface a doctor's appointment with the information, so they know that I'm not rude, just very direct and uninterested in 'waffle'. I'm able to say, at work, "Please email me that information, I don't process verbal communication well." It hasn't made the blindest bit of difference to my benefits, because I've never claimed any. What it has done is increase my confidence significantly. My written communication has always been a strength, but my verbal communication is improving as I learn tricks and strategies. I won't change *who* I am, just work with my strengths and gaps.

I take your point about the fact that if you work, there's little they can offer. But I still think it's worth pursuing as matter of interest. I firmly believe that if you could see *why* certain things were different for you than for others, you might be able to take the anxiety out of things a whole lot.

Like I say, I am well-intentioned here. It has made a HUGE difference to my life, and I would be delighted if it could do the same for you, and sharing my story gets you there.

Feel free to PM me. I'm busy at work but I get to responses as quickly as I can!

gwen80

top_drawer wrote: »

I get it totally Gwen ... I've often felt recently that I can afford to some extent to be nice to someone who doesn't really deserve it or not rise to the bait. its weird after all these years to not have some drama going on that is all consuming.

That's it top_drawer. There's no massive drama going on because you feel happier in yourself and in control of your life, therefore it's easier to be the kind of person you want to be. I've also found I've become far better at reading other people as a result. I find it easier to step back and look at a situation now.

By the way, I think a lot of drama is caused by low self-esteem too. I've lurched from one drama to the next for years. I was sexually harassed at work a few years ago and for quite a while afterwards wondered why I'd been targeted. Why me?? I'm pretty sure I know why me now - I had low self-esteem and no boundaries and other people pick up on it, consciously or not. When you start respecting yourself, others start respecting you too. Also an important part of any relationship, you have to respect each other.

Gx

Dunroamin

top_drawer wrote: »

Thanks - yes I have found in the past I have been "used" for my ears.

Now, that doesn't seem to be a normal reaction to me, I'm afraid.

Regarding not being interested in men, would you get on better in a lesbian or women only group?