Social Support

top_drawer_2

I don't need to know the reason though.

I can just say I don't deal well with XX so please do this instead/or if you do this it would work better for me. I am able to do all of what you describe and don't need to go through all the palava of being referred to a Psychologist to be told that I am anxious / have aspergers / have low self-esteem / am a fruitcake / have social anxiety etc. It doesn't make a difference to me as I feel people will accept me as I am regardless of a dx (or not as the case may be).

Now I am aware (and have accepted) the situation (although it doesn't have a name as such) I will seek situations where I can be accommodated i.e I will never apply to serve in the forces / work as holiday rep / become a WAG / work in PR but that has not altered one bit from any other time.

Now going back to my initial OP - any advice on gaining conversational skills?

I'm considering this course as although its very american, it does cover a lot of the points that I would like to learn. However, I wonder at the concept of learning a "doing" activity online.

fredtheguava

top_drawer wrote: »

I don't need to know the reason though.
It doesn't make a difference to me as I feel people will accept me as I am regardless of a dx (or not as the case may be).

Fair enough. It seemed to me, though, that you were saying something that suggested people *weren't* accepting you, or understanding you.

Looking at the link you mentioned, the 'risks' the mention sound hideous. I wouldn't want to be around someone who displayed more than one or two of those characteristics:

- Being perceived by some as arrogant, aggressive, or overly confident;
- Developing an indifference toward the opinions of specific people;
- Being perceived as busy and less available than before;
- Not giving off an impression overt niceness anymore;
- Having people frequently move in and out of your life;
- Having to reject, ignore, and decline people;
- Creating drama in your life that may not currently be there;
- Using some dishonesty in social situations;
- Developing an impersonal approach to some other people;
- Resentment from old friends and family members about your new lifestyle;
- Seeing people as objects or in a less personal way.

They are things I would never want to give off - though perhaps I do through my communication differences - and traits to be avoided.

But, clearly, I am not you. I could recommend websites and forums that I have found invaluable, but all of them are for Aspies so I imagine they'd be of no interest. Your earlier comment about being more "able" rankled me a little though. You don't have to be one or the other. You can have a social communication disorder (and I genuinely believe that might be the case for you) and still be as able as anything. I moved across the world. Three times. And yet, I'm still definitely, without a doubt, a bit autistic.

pebbles88

OP, you're getting so much good advice, which IS answering your original question. But, with respect..... You just won't take any of it on board. Which, unfortunately... Has been the same thing on your other threads.

You asked for advice..... You're getting it. I'm not sure why you won't accept the help being offered.


Whatever happens, I really do hope things work out. Xx

Pixiechic

TD, I have seen some of your posts before and you have been given some good advice. You don't really seem open to it though and I wonder, what specifically do you want people's advice/input on?

The course that you are looking at doing looks awful and definitely not worth it, in my opinion. Just an American, money making idea, preying on lonely people. Don't waste your time or money.

top_drawer_2

fredtheguava wrote: »

Fair enough. It seemed to me, though, that you were saying something that suggested people *weren't* accepting you, or understanding you.

Looking at the link you mentioned, the 'risks' the mention sound hideous. I wouldn't want to be around someone who displayed more than one or two of those characteristics:

- Being perceived by some as arrogant, aggressive, or overly confident;
- Developing an indifference toward the opinions of specific people;
- Being perceived as busy and less available than before;
- Not giving off an impression overt niceness anymore;
- Having people frequently move in and out of your life;
- Having to reject, ignore, and decline people;
- Creating drama in your life that may not currently be there;
- Using some dishonesty in social situations;
- Developing an impersonal approach to some other people;
- Resentment from old friends and family members about your new lifestyle;
- Seeing people as objects or in a less personal way.

They are things I would never want to give off - though perhaps I do through my communication differences - and traits to be avoided.

But, clearly, I am not you. I could recommend websites and forums that I have found invaluable, but all of them are for Aspies so I imagine they'd be of no interest. Your earlier comment about being more "able" rankled me a little though. You don't have to be one or the other. You can have a social communication disorder (and I genuinely believe that might be the case for you) and still be as able as anything. I moved across the world. Three times. And yet, I'm still definitely, without a doubt, a bit autistic.

Maybe I'm not conveying what I am trying to say properly.

I don't feel accepted by those around me now but I have aspired to be normal and to fit in where I am not going too. To have learnt naturally how to do the social thing - and never admit that I haven't because that is "weird" If I accept me and state that

a) I don't do well switching between tasks so don't expect instant text replies when I am busy on a different type of job.

b) I don't like crowded places so I am no longer going to pretend and go shopping on a Saturday.

I don't need a dx to tell me these things and as I haven't researched them I have no idea if their traits which affect anyone or something that affects people such as me who may also have social issues. I feel that if anything for me, a dx would be unnecessary stigma.

I am the way I am. By accepting that there are many jobs / activities that could be of interest to me but, I am not going to be able to pursue as the environment would not suit me. This is still the same regardless of being termed normal or on the autistic spectrum.

I looked at the "risks" too and wondered at the wisdom of it and would definitely want to avoid those side effects but the fact they had been honest about made me think they have some awareness/credibility in a way. I remembered that when I was at college I attended a Assertiveness course and we were warned of similar consequences as not everyone would appreciate our newly found confident/ consider myself attitude. I dropped the course after a few weeks as I didn't have it in me to stand up to the people I needed too (+ burn some bridges / make myself homeless) all in aid of being assertive. I've read books and had counseling and found that she was right though - some people really liked me in the position I was, and many of them were the ones who told me to stick up for myself.

I was using able in a relative term as in have researched a number of forums I have found they are very focused on children / handling meltdowns / parenting. People who post in the Social and Relationships boards are struggling to find work as they can barely leave the house or cope with walking down the street due to the sheer amount of input / have no friends and have never had a friend and view having a friend in a very simplistic manner "they walk down the street together" and while I am not disputing that I have an idealised version of friendship, I don't have these serious issues or anything on this scale. Thus although I can only sympathise (as opposed to emphasize, which I did, while counting my blessings) and as such they can't offer advice to me on how I should go about making conversation to work towards building a relationship/getting to know them. I hoped the term "able" would convey all of the above and explain why I am not posting over there instead.

I think communication disorder covers it. But still I don't need a piece of paper to tell me this.

meritaten

have you considered that the girl went on and on about her woes to you precisely because of your personality? She chose you to download to because 'You listen and say little'! why do you feel you want to change? its your personality and people can either like it or lump it.

top_drawer_2

pebbles88 wrote: »

OP, you're getting so much good advice, which IS answering your original question. But, with respect..... You just won't take any of it on board. Which, unfortunately... Has been the same thing on your other threads.

Despite stating from the OP that I am not interested in looking at dx and why, each response has stated that the only way forward is for me to seek dx. How is this helpful?

I work in care environment, with people who have many issues and I can tell you what a dx would do for me and that is nothing. It may give me a box to place myself in / additional stress in attending appointments and dragging over every aspect of my life but it won't open any doors to any help / support. Which I would find extremely frustrating. Quite simply because this support is reserved (and rightly so) for those who are the most needy/unable to cope/work and are at risk of having to enter social care.

It might help that I can say to my employer "I am autistic/have aspergers, so I will need more time to write that client report" Or I can skip the stress and say "Look I find it really difficult to write reports at short notice, so please can we set up a system to ensure that I am informed of the dates of meetings in good time. This will help me to offer a better service to clients." I guess I feel that I don't need to justify my needs under the umbrella of a dx.

top_drawer_2

meritaten wrote: »

have you considered that the girl went on and on about her woes to you precisely because of your personality? She chose you to download to because 'You listen and say little'! why do you feel you want to change? its your personality and people can either like it or lump it.

Thanks. That brought tears to my eyes.

Yes I guess there are people I would tell personal stuff about my life and there are others I wouldn't and I know which I like as people.

top_drawer_2

Pixiechic wrote: »

TD, I have seen some of your posts before and you have been given some good advice. You don't really seem open to it though and I wonder, what specifically do you want people's advice/input on?

The course that you are looking at doing looks awful and definitely not worth it, in my opinion. Just an American, money making idea, preying on lonely people. Don't waste your time or money.

I am looking for advice in improving my conversational skills. I am not interested in seeking a diagnosis.

Thanks

lostinrates

top_drawer wrote: »

Despite stating from the OP that I am not interested in looking at dx and why, each response has stated that the only way forward is for me to seek dx. How is this helpful?

I work in care environment, with people who have many issues and I can tell you what a dx would do for me and that is nothing. It may give me a box to place myself in / additional stress in attending appointments and dragging over every aspect of my life but it won't open any doors to any help / support. Which I would find extremely frustrating. Quite simply because this support is reserved (and rightly so) for those who are the most needy/unable to cope/work and are at risk of having to enter social care.

It might help that I can say to my employer "I am autistic/have aspergers, so I will need more time to write that client report" Or I can skip the stress and say "Look I find it really difficult to write reports at short notice, so please can we set up a system to ensure this happens. This will help me to offer a better service to clients." I guess I feel that I don't need to justify my needs under the umbrella of a dx.

Have you considered that while it might not help you it might help people who want to be your friend to be able to be understanding.

E.g. I met someone through this forum who has aspergers. As quite an outgoing and tactile person myself it was helpful for me to be able to know that these would be hard for her and she would be worrying about what I might do.

When we met earlier this year I was able to meet her with...'just so you know, whilst I'm itching to give you a hug I know that's not what you want, so don't worry I won't' she then knew there was no chance of being launched at and we could walk away from where we met having acknowledged the difference and I relieved her whilst also saying 'I am not being unfriendly by not greeting you how I would normally greet a friend'. Knowing what to do helped me be appropriate for her. Even if you don't normally feel socially awkward there are always new situations and knowing how to approach them helps.


It IS your prerogative, absolutely, but if you can identify your particular issue you might also be able to more accurately tackle the 'awkward' moments with specifically appropriate techniques.