Social Support

top_drawer_2

Right, well in some way or another I am deficit in certain social skills. I am back at work this week after being off sick for 7 weeks and its like going back to being new again (without the new job nerves) and I am noticing lots of little things in how I deal with people.

For my whole life I have struggled to build relationships and much of this seems to come down to my lack of conversational skills i.e talking about anything which isn't in front of me/issues going on in my life or the other persons life. I watch people and its helped somewhat but I am still finding that I often just can't find something to say so end up "just being there"

I have recently joined a Meet-up group and am really enjoying the activities. Generally in socialising I prefer to keep the focus on the other person and don't talk about myself (on the basis that people love to talk about themselves = love me, I guess). However, after reading around the topic I can see that this be part of the problem as how can a relationship develop if they know nothing about me?

At the last meet-up I stayed on at the pub with one of the people I had done an activity with and she was telling me about her dysfunctional family, for much of the time I nodded and sympathised with the situations she was describing as I have similar experiences. At what I felt was an appropriate moment I attempted to share something of myself (all sounds so clinical, it wasn't) and she just kind of looked a bit perplexed/stopped and then carried on ... at times, rambling. I did think she had just a little bit too much to drink (she is a bit of a lightweight, something I realised from the last meeting). I guess I'm wondering did I do right? Is this turning the conversation onto myself (an annoying habit I endure with a colleague)? Or was she drunk? a bit rude, in being uninterested in me.

I don't want to go into the "why" of my deficiency of my social skills, it is what it is and I have decided I don't want to accept it the way it is ... I have looked into (and joined) forums which specialise in dealing with disorders which commonly have a social deficit component and found that I am much more "able" than the huge majority of the people posting so their advice tends to be not so much use to me. I have looked into groups too but its a similar situation.

Any other useful advice or experiences gratefully received. I have noticed I am not the "only one" who struggles with situations involving others so anything relevant/support would be great.

TD

cutestkids

Hi OP

From what you have written it was perhaps just that your friend wanted to have a bit of a vent about her own life and that combined with having had a bit to drink just did not want to hear of anything but her own problems at that time.

It can be hard to judge but generally I find if someone is a bit tipsy and is going on about their own life they are not really interested in anything else.

Given a different situation, coffee or lunch then they conversation would probably be very different.

top_drawer_2

I wouldn't say she was a friend as such. I've met her twice up to yet. Yeh that does make sense.... I guess I just need some reasurance that I'm doing things right ... As it often seems they just don't pay off.

cutestkids

Hi

Yes I think when drink is involved it can make things that bit harder to read.
I have spent many an evening listening to friends tell me all their woes while not being able to get a word in myself but on the other hand they have returned the favour when I have needed it.

I think I replied in another thread that you started about just being yourself and try not to read too much into every detail, just be yourself and things will fall into place, you are more likely to make good friends and keep them if you are yourself from the begining.

Just try and remeber that not everyone will like you and you will not like everyone that you meet and that's OK

motherofstudents

top_drawer wrote: »

I wouldn't say she was a friend as such. I've met her twice up to yet. Yeh that does make sense.... I guess I just need some reasurance that I'm doing things right ... As it often seems they just don't pay off.

I don't think you need to worry about doing things right. There is not always a right or wrong way to do things. You have chosen to do some activities which you sometimes find difficult and you are enjoying them so that's a great start. I think as above, just try to be yourself and don't put pressure on yourself to do everything perfectly, good enough will do !

MarilynMonroe_2

She might have troubles too and talks too much whereas others cant find anything to say? Although after saying that there are self absorbed people who are only interested in themselves and dont listen to what anyone else has to say ... it says more about her than you in anyways x

gwen80

Hi top_drawer

I've seen a number of your posts and I can relate to a lot of them. I think in this case the girl may have had a bit too much to drink and wanted a bit of a rant. If I'm not in a great state of mind and then have a bit too much to drink, that could well be me and in fact was me a couple of months ago. I'm trying to be more aware of my state of mind and lay off the booze if it's not great.

The other thing is I've never been particularly socially savvy, but I think I'm improving. What's helped me is that I feel more comfortable in my own skin and my self esteem has improved. I have more work to do, but it's helped me. It's hard to describe, but I'll try. It's kind of like if I feel better about myself, I have more mental capacity to think of others, put myself in their shoes and I think that helps me take more interest in others and be a better listener.

Gx

top_drawer_2

I get it totally Gwen ... I've often felt recently that I can afford to some extent to be nice to someone who doesn't really deserve it or not rise to the bait. its weird after all these years to not have some drama going on that is all consuming.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

TD.

What is it that you want from a friend?

Person_one

top_drawer wrote: »

I don't want to go into the "why" of my deficiency of my social skills, it is what it is and I have decided I don't want to accept it the way it is ... I have looked into (and joined) forums which specialise in dealing with disorders which commonly have a social deficit component and found that I am much more "able" than the huge majority of the people posting so their advice tends to be not so much use to me. I have looked into groups too but its a similar situation.

Please don't take this the wrong way, but, are you sure?

I've read quite a few of your posts now TD, and even very simple social situations are very difficult for you. You seem to struggle to communicate with other people on a pretty fundamental level, and I think the fact that you write well can mask that a bit on this forum.

Have you considered going to your GP?

top_drawer_2

MarilynMonroe wrote: »

She might have troubles too and talks too much whereas others cant find anything to say? Although after saying that there are self absorbed people who are only interested in themselves and dont listen to what anyone else has to say ... it says more about her than you in anyways x

Thanks - yes I have found in the past I have been "used" for my ears.