The remaining parent?

Goldiegirl

It must be very difficult for the one left.

My dad died in 2004, and my mum died in 2008.

But my mum didn't have to deal with the grief and loss, as she had dementia, and literally didn't' remember him.

When my dad was in hospital, we took her to see him. I'm glad we did, as it meant a lot to my dad, but when we were on our way out of the hospital, my mum commented that 'he seemed like a nice man', as if it was the first time she'd met him.

After he died, I did try to keep his memory going with her, taking pictures of my dad in when I went to visit at her care home, and talking about my dad, but she didn't know who I was talking about.

It was terribly sad that she had dementia, but at least it spared her the pain of grief

arbrighton

My grandpa is now 96 and lost gran four years ago, having celebrated their diamond wedding that year. Until about 6 months ago, he was coping well in a flat on his own, seeing friends, driving, swimming, eating out etc.
However he has had two spells in hospital since Christmas with serious illnesses, and is now in a home. He is very unhappy as he is not able to or wanting to do things and is incredibly depressed. It is very difficult seeing him like this but my gran and his health were his world.

Newly_retired

Sorry for your loss, OP.
My parents died within a year of each other.
Mum had said that if Dad dies first she would like to go into a Home. Well she was 92, and struggling more than a bit.
She was amazing. She settled well ( the odd grumbles of course) but really she had a new lease of life, and lived a good 7 months until a further illness took her. She enjoyed the company in the Home, and was free from worries about shopping, cooking, cleaning. She went on little outings, even to a local theatre.
And of course, she spared me from having to worry on a daily basis, as I was working at the time.
If I say I was not too sad that they both died within the same year, please don't think I do not miss them, but they were everything to each other- and both had a fantastic life and lived to a good age.

room512

Sorry for your loss OP. My dad died a couple of years ago - a couple of months before his golden wedding anniversary. My mum is fine - she has a better social life than I do! She goes on cruises (with a couple that she knew and asked her) and does voluntary work and could be out every evening if she wanted.

My mum looked after my dad for the last 15 years of his life as he lost his eyesight and although she misses him dearly, she is enjoying just looking after herself. I'm amazed at how well she is doing, as I thought she'd be in pieces.

Savvy_Sue

My paternal granddad lived for about 20 years after that grandma died, and coped very well indeed. My maternal grandma survived a similar length of time: I don't even remember that granddad. Initially we were sharing her house, but she was still fine after we moved out.

Dad died just over 3 years ago, he had lost his sight quite suddenly but had been ill for years before that. Mum is doing extremely well: she has had to find strategies for coping without him, as she's too deaf to use the phone so he made all the phone calls. He also didn't let her do anything practical, like changing light bulbs, but she manages in her own way ... They had a busy life, and she's carried on with their previous activities.

We know that Dad wouldn't have coped without Mum at all. In the same way we know that my FIL won't cope at all if MIL dies first, but she'll probably be fine!

ibizafan_2

My parents are 82 and 86 and have been married for nearly 62 years. They have always been joined at the hip, and I don't like thinking about what will happen when one of them passes away. In fact, my brother and I once had a surreal conversation about which parent would cope better if they were the one left on their own. I can still remember as a teenager, my Mum saying that if anything happened to Dad she would want to go as well. I was very indignant at the time, and she has never said anything similar again. I'm taking them with us abroad on holiday this week as usual, as you just never know if it will be the last time.

nearlyrich

My dad died young at 55 mum survived him by 18 years they had been married almost 30 years. Mum lived for the family, loved looking after the grandchildren and at her happiest in the middle of a family gathering. She did have a social life but she didn't drive so one of us ferried her around, she went on trips with her church group. She did miss my dad, we all did and now we miss both of them. Her mum my grandma, lost her husband when he was 41 and she had 3 young children including an almost year old baby..she never stopped missing him and didn't get married again or anything, she lived to 89 so 45 years on her own.

Sorry for you loss it is hard to see a parent grieving and know there is nothing you can do.

bossymoo

My granddad died 15 years ago, and my grandma just recently. They had been married 50yrs. She did well for quite a while, good social life, independence, family support etc until from about 5yrs ago her health started fading and especially once she had heart troubles and was told no more driving, she sort of went down hill from there.

I lost my husband to cancer 18mths ago (he was only 35) and in all honesty, although probably the first year or so I was in shock, I've kind of had to get on with things. We have two very young children, who are my greatest motivation, and they keep me chipper and busy. I went back to work 2.5mths after he died, and kept the kiddies in private nursery, to keep our routine going.
I won't pretend it's been easy but I do see myself starting to live rather than just exist. There are things I enjoy now, as opposed to everything being a chore, and I kind of feel I owe it to his memory to make the most of the life I (and the kiddies) have been given. Growing old is a privilege denied to many.

Best wishes OP, and I hope your family finds some happiness.

nearlyrich

bossymoo wrote: »

I lost my husband to cancer 18mths ago (he was only 35) and in all honesty, although probably the first year or so I was in shock, I've kind of had to get on with things. We have two very young children, who are my greatest motivation, and they keep me chipper and busy. I went back to work 2.5mths after he died, and kept the kiddies in private nursery, to keep our routine going.
I won't pretend it's been easy but I do see myself starting to live rather than just exist. There are things I enjoy now, as opposed to everything being a chore, and I kind of feel I owe it to his memory to make the most of the life I (and the kiddies) have been given. Growing old is a privilege denied to many.

Sad to hear that but good for you that you are living again it can't be easy...

zaksmum

As many of us have discovered, it seems an awful lot harder to lose the first parent than the second. When the first one passes away, we can't grieve properly for them as we have to support the one who is left.

There is the feeling of being orphaned when the second parent goes, but for us it was so desperately painful to have to see the suffering of our dad when he was left without our mum for the first time in over 36 years together. He completely fell apart and we would have given anything to have been able to take away even the smallest shred of what he went through.

We would hear him sobbing in the other room - our big strong dad who never showed any weakness. He worked all the hours God sent to save and prepare for retirement, and had retired just two months earlier.

We felt so helpless and useless.

When he passed away nearly 20 years later we were gutted, but for the first time, could allow ourselves to grieve for both our mum and dad.

And maybe to hope that wherever they were, they were together again.