The remaining parent?

neverdespairgirl

Sorry for your loss, OP.

My grandfather died in 1987, just short of my grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary.

My Granny came to stay with us (my mother is her daughter, and the four of us, her grandchildren, were aged between 2 and 9) after the funeral because she said nothing distracted from grief like 4 small children did.

Then she went to stay for a few weeks with my uncle and his wife, no children.

After that, she went home (an hour away from us) and took up the threads of her life again - she'd always been busy, with flower clubs, gardening clubs, WI, theatre groups, sewing circles, all sorts.

About 4 years after my Grandad died, she sold the family house, which had 4 bedrooms and a huge garden, and bought a smaller bungalow. That way she managed to live independently until a week before her own death, nearly 20 years after my Grandad's.

Janepig

My mother died ten years ago at the age of 62 and I think my father has coped alot better than I think my mother would have without him (had the tables been turned). Especially as my mother was mainly at home as a housewife, with occasional periods of going out to work, and she dealt with everything, cooking, bills, etc... generally organised everything and my father went out to work. He's managed fantastically well, although there was a sort of transitional period if you like when my mother was ill (although we didn't know it was terminal) when she was "coaching" him iykwim.

Anyway, since she died my father has been on loads of foreign holidays with a couple who him and my mum were friendly with, and afew other friends, cruises, etc.... He also did some computer classes and generally had an excellent social life. What's unfortunately slowed him down is that he got shingles on the last cruise he went on and it's left him with permanent nerve pain. He's nearly 80 now and some ill health is catching up with him and although he's active, he's not quite as active as he was.

I think my mother would have become much more isolated if my father had died first, I think she would have been far less likely to socialise, go on holidays, etc.... like my dad has done, although I may be wrong.

It's by no means a given that the person left behind just gives up when they are widowed. I know so many people who have gone on to live for many years and enjoyed a full social life. I think it very much depends on the individual.

Jx

NAR

My father died when he was 74, some 18 years ago and my mother (91) has lived independently (with a little help) ever since. Luckily all the family live close and at least one (of 5 children) visits daily.
So people can cope red devil, and I hope that applies to your father.

Wyre

My Dad died 4 years ago in April, almost 38 years to the day that they got married, leaving my Mum and 5 kids.

Mum has coped amazingly especially as within 9 months we then lost my sister and my Grandma. She was working two jobs for a couple of years but now has mostly retired, keeping her Sunday job.

She had counselling for a while but didn't really find it helpful. What was a brilliant idea for her was that she joined a bereavement group and made loads of friends. She has gone on loads of holidays round the country both on her own and with friends. She goes on local walks and has trained to be a walk leader. All in all she is barely home these days!! This is my shy Mum, who would barely say boo to a goose!

One of my siblings is still at home and I visit every Saturday at a minimum. Another sibling lives nearby with their spouse and the third sibling often turns up unannounced (not sure that is a good thing hehe).

Despite it being a really tough time, Mum has come through it remarkably well.

I hope this is of some help and gives you some reassurance in this horrible time. My sincere condolences.

red_devil

nice post.

7_week_wonder

My dad died two years ago, my parents had been married 46 years and mum was 81 at the time. Whilst I wouldn't say my mum is thriving - she is certainly surviving and managing ok.

The bad thing is that mum had never lived on her own (straight from large family to marriage) and so has never had to run a household completely by herself. So she needs a lot of re-assurance and help when minor things go wrong (oven stops working, electronic clocks need changing - that sort of thing). Also she is very nervous about finances (though fortunately she doesn't need to be) and insists on running everything (purchases, savings accounts etc) past me: which is fine.

The good thing is that she has some fantastic friends and she has become a lady who lunches! She is a member of a volunteering group and they have been great at looking after her and making sure she gets to their social outings etc. She also loves her hobbies and goes out a couple of times a week to groups and meetings. It's amazing the difference in her mood and outlook when we phone her depending on whether she's been in the house on her own or out with her friends.

My mum also had bereavement counselling, but not until almost a year after dad had died, and did find it useful, but I think it very much depends on the individual.

Of course she will never stop missing dad - but I do think she is moving towards realising that life can carry on and be worthwhile.

I hope that helps.

busiscoming2

My Mum died in 2008, her and Dad had been married for 47 years. She had only been retired a couple of years and they were in the process of enjoying their retirement; holidays etc.

My Dad coped very well IMO, obviously he was devastated and cried a fair bit. He kept up with his Bowls (he and Mum had gone together), that together with pushing him to volunteer in the local Charity Bookshop kept him going.

Fast forward five years and he is still doing the Bowls and the bookshop, has a good social life and still takes holidays but goes with other friends instead.

Deep down I know he misses Mum terribly but copes well day to day and is happy.

barbarawright

Wrong thread

skylight

A few other bits I didn't mention, Nan also saw a "psychic". Which I thought was odd as she has never believed in God/Spirits and all that stuff.

She needed to know he was OK and was finding it hard that he hadn't found some way to let her know he was OK.

Fortunately, the person told her exactly what she wanted to hear (he was OK, would see her again but not for some time) etc. And it really helped. Far more than counselling did.

zaksmum

Sorry for your loss OP.

My mum was only 57 when she died suddenly and unexpectedly in her sleep.

My dad had slept next to her all night in the double bed completely unaware. The paramedics said she'd died around midnight and my dad didn't realise till about 7am.

He went out of his mind with grief. We all rallied round him, and my sister who lived with him was always there so he was never left alone. He threatened to kill himself several times to be with my mum. It was a nightmare time.

He lived for nearly 20 years after mum died but was never the same person again.