The remaining parent?

red_devil

I would like to hear from people who have had one parent die , who did the surviving parent cope presuming they had been married/lived together etc?

Our mum died in May Leaving behind myself and two siblings and a dad. They had been married for 54 years.

How did your other parent find it? Thanks.

Mojisola

My parents had been together for over 70 years, though not married for the whole time. When Mum died suddenly last year, Dad lost a part of himself. He now has some symptoms of dementia - although we feel it may be more like selective amnesia - forgetting most of the years they spend together has made the pain of her loss easier for him to deal with.

Gloomendoom

I'm sad to say that our local graveyard has plenty of evidence that the remaining spouse does not always cope well. Men, in particular, don't seem to take long to follow their wives to the grave.

Cue the old joke about them starving to death.

floss2

My mum lived alone from the age of 61 when my dad died in 1991 until her death in 2005. She had a full life, worked full time until 1995, enjoyed an active social & church life (went to her first ever pop concert to see Cliff Richard aged 64!), went on holidays with friends, enjoyed time with her family & grand kids.

Obviously she mourned my dad, and was devastated when he died of cancer, but her mum had been on her own for 24-ish years after my grandpa died, so she knew life did not necessarily stop at the loss of a husband.

red_devil

that isnt what i really wanted to hear. gloom and doom.

heartbreak_star

Mum (and me, to an extent) just sort of pulled our socks up and got on with it after we lost Dad. She'd been caring for him for several years after a stroke and when we finally lost him he was in so much pain it was almost a blessing.

There's only me and her as I'm an only child, and in Mum's words - "What good does it do if you let everything get you down? You just lose grip of the good things then too."

I am very sorry for your loss, red devil. I hope that your family can pull together in this sad time. Lots of hugs.

HBS x

rockie4

My Mum and Dad had been married 48 years when Dad died suddenly. Mum coped amazingly well, she decided to move closer to me (only child) and built herself a whole new life which she enjoyed for 23 years.
FIL on the other hand only lasted 2 years after MIL died, she was ill for a long time and it was expected when she went. He coped very well with all the admin etc then sat at home and did very little. He admitted he didn't enjoy being on his own and died 2 years to the day after his wife.

I agree with the other posters that women cope far better than men in these circumstances.

Leothecat

My mum died 5 years ago. My parents had been together for 45 years and my father has never recovered. My mum and I often joked about what would happen if she went before my dad (never thinking that it would actually happen!!) Everything we thought of is 100 times worse than we could have imagined.
He does not like to go out....except to the graveyard. He does not eat unless we practically force feed him and then he cracks up. He does clean or do washing.....I do this all for him. He used to be a keen golfer....wont even consider it anymore. He cannot cope in the house he is in but refuses to leave as it holds too many memories.....my mum HATED that house!! She would have sold up pretty quickly had it been she that had survived my dad.
I've watched him slowly deteriorate over the last 5 years and as much as it saddens me to even think it......I feel he has given up.

Leothecat

Sorry......I meant to say that I'm really sorry for your loss. It's a devastating time for you all.

tayforth

My dad passed away suddenly a few years ago, just shy of their 30th wedding anniversary.

My mum has coped ok, as she has fantastic friends and neighbours, and many of them have also been widowed. She has a good support network.


But I know that she gets lonely. She used to love going to weddings, for example, and she and my dad were quite keen dancers. Now she finds weddings and family gatherings difficult as she is on her own.


She says that she'll never marry again (or be with any man) and I believe her. Much as she misses my dad, she has her own house and her independence and she wouldn't change that.


I know that she's coped better than my dad would have if it were the other way around. I think that this is true of most women, but not all. I know a widower who keeps himself busy and is doing well (his wife passed away 3 years ago).


I'm sorry for your loss. It took me a long time to come to terms with my dad's death; you never really get over it. I think about him every day and am almost in tears just typing this. The pain never goes away, you just live with it xxx

Somerset

red_devil wrote: »

I would like to hear from people who have had one parent die , who did the surviving parent cope presuming they had been married/lived together etc?

Father died, mother surviving. But just surviving. She has no interest in friend's, activities etc. She never did, family was her world. I think loneliness is the worst thing for her. She came from a large family, had her own family, now there's just her. She doesn't do anything to make her life better, but that's her personality.

We try, she come's and stays with us and vice versa. But ultimately what she needs is a live-in companion. She needs the every day company. Not to sound trite, but the dog gave her that every day company and companionship, but the dog passed away a few year's ago.