The remaining parent?

troubleinparadise

It is a massive change and loss to lose your life partner of 54 years - I'm sorry for your loss too

My mum didn't cope well when dad died, and it heralded her downturn.

But I have friends whose widowed parent learned to drive, went abroad for the first time, and took up new hobbies and socialising. And I wouldn't have predicted that from their personalities while married.

So I don't think there's any hard and fast rules - but just be around and fill in the gaps where you can - and be kind to yourselves. Bereavement and grief take a long while (not that you ever really get over the loss) to work through.

heartbreak_star

OP, would your dad be able to care for a pet? My mum said her dogs were her lifeline for a while, she met some of her friends through a dog group.

HBS x

mummyroysof3

I'm proud of how my grandma has managed since my grandad died in 2004. I'm not sure how long they had bee married but I think it would have been near 50 years

System

my Mom has never been very good on her own. My Dad died when I was 18 and my bro was 14. We practically moved in with her after Dad had died and I looked after her and sorted out Dads pension and stuff. When we did move out (I was due to have my baby) she said she was going to top herself and take my brother with her which resulting in me having to see her every day to give her her daily medication. Thinking about it, she wouldn't have done it but I couldn't take the risk.

Then she met my StepDad. Again, when he died I had to take over, arrange her pension and look after her but at least she couldn't threaten to kill herself and take my bro with her as by this time he was in his 20s. I'd got 5 kids at this point and there was no way I could have moved in or she could move in with me as there wasn't any room.

She was demanding. Played me off against my bro, manipulative and generally played on my better nature whilst my bro got away with very little contact.

I went to see her a few weeks ago. It was the first time i'd seen her in 4 years. I'm in no rush to go back but now she is paying my bro to look after her (whereas before I did it free). I needed to check for myself that she was being looked after.

nottslass_2

My Mum was widowed after being with my dad for 50 years.

They were extremely happy and still very much in love.

How did she cope ?

Well she decided that as she'd been happy once,there was no reason not to be happy again and started internet dating at 70 (much to our amusement & embarrassment) she met a lovely bloke and spent a happy couple of years with him untill he died suddenly.She them met another great chap whom she spent 4 years with until she sadly died last year.

She wasn't lonely or needy,she just "wanted someone special to share the beautiful things in life with".

In addition to this she spent time traveling,going to kenya on safari (alone)only eight weeks after my dads death,her reasoning for going were "i need to prove to myself that i can still do it". She also went polar bear spotting somewhere in the Arctic, and oh she also spent 3 months in Peru volunteering in a children's daycare facility............

She also heavily involved in her local community and church,had lots of friends and interests,including micro-gliding on her 70th birthday !!She would also be quite happy to take herself off to the theater alone if she fancied seeing something no one else did.

This was despite receiving palliative treatment for secondary cancer,during one of her last conversations with me she said "well dear,I'll die with no regrets and I'll have achieved everything n life that I wanted to"..............

My Mum was Amazing :A

skylight

Granddad passed in 2010 leaving Nan. She took it very, very badly and still has odd days.

They had spent just over 63yrs together, married for most of that, so she likened it to having her arm cut off. It was devastating for her, she found she had nothing to do. Granddad had been ill with heart problems for over 30yrs, so was his carer really, plus all those food items she cooked just for him and so on - she didn't do any of this anymore. Now, had she been in her 60's, she would have taken herself off travelling as that was what she really wanted to do, but she was nearly 80 when he died and not capable herself. So she felt lonely (despite living with Dad) and useless.

Anyway, three years on, she still has days. She can be quite teary but now she does get out and about, making new friends, shopping etc and at 82, still drives herself around the Spanish mountains (which I REALLY wish she didn't!) Sadly, Granddad is still in the shed (ashes) as she cannot part with them. She wont scatter them in the garden as he wanted as she feels that if she had to return to the UK for any reason, then she would be devastated all over again in having to leave him behind. So I have agreed to throw them both off the local mountain when she dies.


OP, when you said about it being all doom and gloom, it is. You are talking about people who have spent their entire lives together. Siblings come and go and you grow up. Kids come and go as they grow up, but these guys have had their partners, by their sides, forever. Losing them is devastating and it does take a long time to come to terms with it.

One thing that Nan comments on is that no-one talks about him anymore. I don't visit that often, but always make a point of getting his photos out and having a chat, reminiscing. I always phone on his birthday and their anniversary and I will continue to do so.

z.n

When MIL died after a long decline with FIL as primary carer we were very concerned. He dealt with all the paperwork, clothes to oxfam side very well but then seemed to just get stuck. We suggested clubs, activities, outings etc but he just wasn't up to any of it. 18 months later he seems to be coming out of himself a bit with the help of his younger siblings and has developed a new life routine as a single person. He is currently organising a holiday with his sister for the Autumn.
The lesson we have learned is to let him take things at his own pace- we had to get up and get on (kids, work etc) so we struggled to understand that he needed more quiet time to adjust which did not need to be filled with distractiona. It was a process that could not be rushed.

Gloomendoom

red_devil wrote: »

that isnt what i really wanted to hear. gloom and doom.

Sorry! Sorry for your loss also.

On a brighter note, I've just remembered that my grandfather bucked the trend and remarried after my grandmother's death. My step gran lived for another 13 years after my grandfather died.

Desperado99

Can I just say that my dad after losing mum 13 years ago is doing fine, I'm not saying it wasn't hard at the beginning as it was, but life does go on. He has a lovely 'girlfriend' who we have known all our lives and they are forever trotting off on holidays.

I think the main thing is to not expect them to simply bounce back after a couple of months, it takes time, years, to re-adjust to a different life.

Sorry for your loss, OP x

red_devil

thanks all dad is 80 just. He is still driving and able to get around for the moment and has some interests. He has my sister and bro who live near so luckier than some i guess.

He says he is lonely and is tearful occassionally as we all are, but he says he isnt going to mope and so far seems to be ok.