Elderly parents and mobile phones - getting them to use or at least call

Errata

[quote=[Deleted User];61453587]I see what you're saying but its not always practical or, indeed, possible.[/QUOTE]
I'm not sure what's going on then, as you've said "Also, trying to explain to him that, if he needs something, he can ring me anytime even when I'm at work (and, honestly, I won't get sacked for taking a personal call for 2 mins!).

If he can ring you anytime, why can't you ring him anytime?

[Deleted User]

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

BTW, one reason why using a mobile phone is difficult is that the keys may be small and fiddly - I know you can get larger models, but if all you can demonstrate on is small and fiddly, it's a bit tricky.

And don't get me started on smart phones and tablets: I'm reasonably techie, but I hate them with a passion! Just CANNOT get the hang of swiping, and the way the screen moves makes my head feel funny. Dreading when I have to replace my 'normal' mobile with one of these new-fangled devices!

Another issue is the way we demonstrate things - Mum complains that my brother shows her how to do something on the computer, but he goes too fast and doesn't let her try it herself enough times. I'm more patient. I'm grinding my teeth, but I am more patient. I have patiently explained that it's not her google which has broken, what she means is that she has a problem with her internet browser. I have even done trouble shooting via TextRelay (she is very deaf and cannot use a phone), relying on my memory of what she needs to do as she describes the various screens to me (badly).

But then I have a colleague who is just the same, has no grasp of what I mean when I say "which browser do you use" and answers "I like my google."

Know what you mean. But hes got Sky+ because he likes to watch sport on TV, and record it.

Took a little while but hes got that down to a T now. Because he had to because I wouldn't be there 24 hours a day to change channels for him - he had to do it.

Unfortunately, sometimes with him, he makes no effort because he doesnt have to. Its easier to do it wrong because it has no direct effect on him he thinks. But it does have an affect on him - he spends the whole day in a state sometimes...

Yeh. I could ring him more often but, to be fair, I've also got my own family. Wife very ill, expecting baby - so to be fair a little bit of effort on his part wouldn't hurt him.

To ring me at 11pm, waking son up, when I've been in work for 10 hours, down the hospital visiting wife for 5 hours, sorting son out etc and have just got home and haven't had chance to ring him does annoy me a little. Especially when I then have to worry about him because hes got himself in a state because he assumed something was wrong. All because he didn't listen/couldn't be bothered to phone my mobile for a one minute phone call. Problem solved in 1 minute if he'd bothered to listen to me.

Its all well and good saying you've got to do things for your parents and do what they want but how far do I take it? Do I start neglecting my own family, drive 30 miles to his house every night because hes decided he can't be bothered to turn the TV channels over now. Or decided he can't use the shower any more.

In my experience with him, for instance, when I've gone away with him, and we stay in hotel, I get, how does the kettle work, how does the TV work, how does the shower work, how do you open the door, how do you open the window? Everything. When hes at home, and I'm not there, if hes got to he just gets on with it.

And before anyone asks, no he has no form of mental illness at all..... That would be different. Hes just stubborn and won't listen.

[Deleted User]

Errata wrote: »

I'm not sure what's going on then, as you've said "Also, trying to explain to him that, if he needs something, he can ring me anytime even when I'm at work (and, honestly, I won't get sacked for taking a personal call for 2 mins!).

If he can ring you anytime, why can't you ring him anytime?

OK. The job I have means I'm very busy. Therefore, I normally don't have time to phone him to chat every day - I work on customer site a lot.

BUT, my Dad comes first, if he has a problem or is concerned about something then I will speak to him. Big difference....

mountainofdebt

Personally I think you need to cut your dad some slack.

Just because he won't do things to suit you then he's an awkward so and so but you have to remember that his life experiences are different to yours and his boss may have hit the roof if he had taken a personal phonecall (for what is worth we've been told that we can't have our mobiles on and if we are needed in an emergency then whoever is to ring the main phoneline)

Not everyone is a techy or wants to embrace new technology.....recently my mum was ready to throw her laptop out of the window - all it took was 2 mins and me, a computer illiterate person was able to solve the problem - and the fun I had trying to explain what the problem was was nobody's business.

What upsets your wife about him ringing late?

mountainofdebt

[quote=[Deleted User];61453903] Hes just stubborn and won't listen.[/QUOTE]

Or he doesn't understand your explanation?

Why not write him an 'idiots guide' to using whatever and then if needs be laminate it so that he can keep it in a usable condition?

heartbreak_star

He sounds very much like my parents, OP, and I totally sympathise!

Dad liked to try new stuff, but he just didn't get it sometimes - especially with phishing emails, I had to tell him over and over again about those! I'm glad he managed to nail using a DVD player though as he watched a lot of films towards the end of his days. I still chuckle about the fact he managed to switch the language of his player to German once or twice though

Mum's a different kettle of fish...she can happily program her TV, recordable DVD and Freeview box - because TV is her hobby. She will not make ANY effort to use the internet ("I worked with computers long enough to not like them any more" - she was a data entry operator many years ago). Instead, she calls me and asks me to look up a website...and gives me an email address, and doesn't understand the difference because she doesn't want to understand.

Le sigh.

HBS x

[Deleted User]

mountainofdebt wrote: »

Personally I think you need to cut your dad some slack.

Just because he won't do things to suit you then he's an awkward so and so but you have to remember that his life experiences are different to yours and his boss may have hit the roof if he had taken a personal phonecall (for what is worth we've been told that we can't have our mobiles on and if we are needed in an emergency then whoever is to ring the main phoneline)

Not everyone is a techy or wants to embrace new technology.....recently my mum was ready to throw her laptop out of the window - all it took was 2 mins and me, a computer illiterate person was able to solve the problem - and the fun I had trying to explain what the problem was was nobody's business.

What upsets your wife about him ringing late?

Yes, but its not just to suit me is it?

He gets upset when he can't reach me and gets in a right state.

Arthien

[quote=[Deleted User];61453903]In my experience with him, for instance, when I've gone away with him, and we stay in hotel, I get, how does the kettle work, how does the TV work, how does the shower work, how do you open the door, how do you open the window? Everything. When hes at home, and I'm not there, if hes got to he just gets on with it.

And before anyone asks, no he has no form of mental illness at all..... That would be different. Hes just stubborn and won't listen.[/QUOTE]

I feel your pain OP, this is my FIL to a T!! It's not that he can't learn how to do these things for himself, he just doesn't want to (aka can't be arsed) because it's easier to ask someone else (usually my fiance or my MIL) to do it instead! My fiance has actually written out step-by-step instructions for him to be able to use his laptop, but if he deviates from them in any way, or if a strange pop-up notification appears on his screen, he's totally lost.

Given that my fiance works as a computer programmer, he's actually the perfect person to ask for help, but no, FIL would rather just struggle on and get more and more wound up about the problem, until we visit several weeks later and find out that his laptop won't work anymore because he's filled the whole memory with copied-and-pasted photos, several hundred times over...

I sometimes worry what will happen to him if my MIL dies first, because, despite living in his house for around 20 years, he still wouldn't know where any essentials were kept or how anything worked if left to his own devices.

His attitude makes me wonder if he really is as incapable as he makes himself out to be, or if he deliberately chooses not to learn how to help himself, because it's so much easier for him to 'get it wrong', as someone else will then have to step in and do it for him.

*and breathe*

David_Aston

Sorry, I haven't read every post in this thread.
How does your Dad make a "no cost to him call", using his own mobile?
Forgive me if you have already explained that you have given him a mobile for which you are paying.

tyllwyd

[quote=[Deleted User];61455187]Yes, but its not just to suit me is it?

He gets upset when he can't reach me and gets in a right state.[/QUOTE]

When I read this, I can't help wondering if the problem is not really the mobile phone use (or non-use). Apologies in advance if I am way off the mark, because obviously I have never met your father, but when you say that it sounds more as if the problem is that he is starting to get slightly confused as he gets older. He should be able to understand that you might not always answer the phone, so if he is obsessively ringing and becoming distressed, that sounds like a possible symptom of other issues. That doesn't solve the actual problem, but maybe you need to shift the way you are thinking about it slightly.