I just don't know how to help my Mum anymore - menopause

amyloofoo

Hi, I don't know what I'm hoping to achieve with this thread really - I guess I'd just like to hear that other people have come through similar situations and get some reassurance about what I should do. Sorry it's so long, but it's a complicated story!

My Mum is going through the menopause and has been really suffering over the last 6 months or so. She always had terrible issues with her cycles due to Turner's syndrome (mosaic) and could be very emotional with PMT. These menopause symptoms are something else though and we're all getting really concerned about her. She's been to the GP and they apparently didn't recommend HRT or any other treatment, but suggested that herbal supplements may help. To be honest, I'm not sure whether this actually came from the GP or is her own take on things as she's very against medication and insists that she doesn't want those chemicals in her body. She's now taking all sorts of vitamins, as well as St John's wort, soy and evening primrose oil. Contrary to her claims, it's made no difference whatsoever to either her mood or her actions.

She has been very weepy, to the point where we can go out for a family meal and she'll start crying half way through eating. Dad suggested that she should start keeping a mood diary, and she took to this enthusiastically. However she's now started leaving the diary around (and open for all to see) and it reads like a suicide note, tbh... full of insults against family members and reminders to herself that she has grandchildren to live for. She's written things in there that would devastate my little sister if she ever read them (saying how bad it is to have an unwed mother in the family) but she leaves this around where LS could easily see it when she visits.

We all encouraged her to get some gentle exercise or go for a walk when she was feeling a bit low - but she has taken this to excess. She and Dad will be out walking for up to 14 hours a day and are frequently gone overnight (after asking to borrow money from me and my sister). Mum doesn't work and Dad only works part-time on a very low wage, so money is very tight for them and they owe both me and my sister hundreds (not to mention other family members such as Aunties who I'm sure have also been asked ). She will just text at all hours and expect me or my sister to make an instant bank transfer - apparently she's been very moody with my sister if this isn't done immediately and has even rung her boyfriend to ask why it's taking her so long :eek: I didn't mind this at first because I thought they needed it for food / heating, etc (they are both hopeless with money and always have been) but I've now found out that it's being spent on petrol to the coast and hotel rooms because apparently Mum doesn't want to walk anywhere local. My sister and I have both been left struggling to afford our own holidays (and we work full time) in order to send them away a few days each week.

She used to love looking after her grandson and would have him every Friday night as LS had him very young. For the last few months though she seems annoyed whenever he's over and can't wait to palm him off on someone else so she can go for a walk. She's much more irritable with him, and isn't herself at all (she used to be a nursery nurse and raised 5 children so she loves kids and normally has the patience of a saint). He's only 18 months and can't understand why Nana doesn't want to play with him anymore. She has always been a very caring person, and if one of her children was poorly she would jump straight into the car, come and make soup and delight in nursing them. When LS was pregnant and had morning sickness she was with her every day, cooking for her and helping her out. I'm currently 8 weeks pregnant with my first baby, have had horrible morning sickness, fainting and have bled for 2 and a half weeks (which was very worrying) and she hasn't been to see me once. She hasn't even called. When I told her I was pregnant she was excited because it would improve her mood, everything was all about her. Please don't think I want her to 'princess' me, I really don't, I just want to show how out of character this is.

To make matters worse, Dad was in hospital a couple of years ago with heart failure and has been readmitted a few times since to have excess fluid drained. He is on about a dozen different medications every day and we're all terrified because he's not taking his tablets properly while they're out walking, and she drags him out of the door without a chance to rest, even when he says he's breathless. He's going to end up in hospital again and Mum doesn't seem to care. All of us (there are 5 sisters ) are concerned, and we've all asked to talk to her (and tried turning up to the house), but both she and Dad refuse to talk and say we'll make things worse if we don't just go along with whatever they suggest. I've asked her to go back to the GP but she won't, I just don't know what to do any more.

**professor~yaffle**

I'm no expert, but this sounds more like Depression to me..? Can someone go with her to the doctors, would she be happy for someone else to go along? Otherwise it's very hard to know what to do.

Errata

Sounds like there's something radically wrong with your mum, but it doesn't sound like menopause problems.

victory

I would suggest this is more than just the menopause, she needs to go back to the GP , it's probably an infringement of your mums rights these days but if at all possible take the book she writes in with you to show the GP how bad this really is.

amyloofoo

I'm convinced there are some mental health issues, but as she's refusing to have any meaningful conversation it's really difficult to know what to do. I think I'm going to talk to my sisters and see if we can get her to meet with us so we can explain our concerns. Unfortunately Dad is completely cowed by her so will go along with whatever she says.

Mojisola

amyloofoo wrote: »

I'm convinced there are some mental health issues, but as she's refusing to have any meaningful conversation it's really difficult to know what to do. I think I'm going to talk to my sisters and see if we can get her to meet with us so we can explain our concerns. Unfortunately Dad is completely cowed by her so will go along with whatever she says.

A GP won't discuss your mother with you but ours will listen to a relative's concerns and will take that information into account when seeing the patient.

heartbreak_star

She really needs to go back and see a doctor! There's either some mental issues going on or something has happened physically.

HBS x

whitewing

I went to see the GP about my mum at one point because I was concerned that she wouldn't go the doctor when she was ill.

They actually sent her a letter asking her to go and see them for some blood tests or something, and then gently asked her for info while she was there. To the best of my knowledge, she doesn't even know I saw the GP - I never told her and I don't think they did.

fluffnutter

I know it's difficult and we all love our mums, but it's not a child's job to help his or her parent. I think you've done all you can and, as hard as it is, you need to take a step back. She's a grown-up and her health is up to her. She needs to visit her GP but you can't force her.

I feel for you, I really do. But you're going to exhaust yourself if you take on the responsibility for your parents' health.

pmlindyloo

I would second the idea of your going to see her GP.

Yes, they may not be able to discuss your Mum with you (although mine did in a general way) but they will listen to your concerns.

**professor~yaffle**

fluffnutter wrote: »

I know it's difficult and we all love our mums, but it's not a child's job to help his or her parent. I think you've done all you can and, as hard as it is, you need to take a step back. She's a grown-up and her health is up to her. She needs to visit her GP but you can't force her.

I feel for you, I really do. But you're going to exhaust yourself if you take on the responsibility for your parents' health.

That is true, but if it's the illness I am thinking of, the trouble is the person may not think they are ill, and/or they may think it's the rest of the world that's at fault, not them.