Why do couples who have been together years split up?

spender

My hubbie and I are very conscious that the children are growing up so we have now doing things together in preparation for when they leave home. We love having the time to do so and throughly enjoy ourselves. I vowed never to be one of those couples who you see in a restaurant eating their meals in silence. You have to work at it. I do think that a lot of couple split up when the kids are older because they do suddenly realise that they have not talked to each other for years! My own parents broke up after 27 years of marriage (to remain very good friends to the very end)

pearl123

The rot seem to slip into the relationship. One person does not try. The other tries all the more. It gets soul distroying for both.
I do think it is often one person not recognising the needs of the other. Or not caring any more. If one person does not wake up to the issues in the relationship they'll both sink.

kittendothroar

I was with my ex fiancee 8.5 years, and therapy and self discovery has explained a lot, as when we split it was a surprise to nearly everyone we knew! we had got engaged the previous summer so was a shock.

My two penneths though looking back and things I have learned from were:

1) interfering mother in law. I was not allowed to disagree and he never stuck up for me. My opinion didn't count. This is not healthy relationship - back off fast.
2) Inability to cope with illness - I was seriously ill for a spell, and he didn't support me like I needed. I have long term health problems anyway which I never felt he really understood or wanted too.
3) We kinda muddled along the latter years, waiting for him to pay debts off so we could save for a house and raise a family. In hindsight I feel he was just putting things off and hadn't grown up and I wish I had not wasted my life with him (am 31 now)
4) He wanted children. At the time I didn't, partially due to the type of illness I had, and also doubts over my mental stability, which he couldn't grasp.
5) We had become separate people, he wanted to stay in and watch what he wanted on tv, I wanted to go out with friends for dinner, dancing etc.
6) We were young when we got together 20 & 21 respectively, I was in need of love and kindness, having lost my nan and in a vile job. I wish I had been stronger and backed off when he got serious as I really think now I was never really into it, no matter how I tried it just wasn't right

It wasn't all totally bad, we had some happy times together but think we just grew apart and for a while I know I was too scared to walk away, thinking no one would ever want me again, with scars and history, but I was wrong, I've met someone who I bonded with it immediately and we move in together this week, despite only dating for the past 16 weeks!

System

Two people. United because of the children, suddenly are faced with the fact the children are now grown up and have life on their own. The two people find that the 'glue' thats kept them together for all these years has now started to fail and the idea of living a life with someone they are no longer in love with doesnt seem very appealing.

Its happened to a few people i know.

DevilsAdvocate1

A close friend of mine split up from her husband 2 years ago and it came as a total shock as I would often see them holding hands and being affectionate.

When she ended it, she admitted that she had been covering up for him for years as he was an alcoholic. She had done allsorts to try to get him help, but he wouldn't admit he had a problem.

When she talked about what had been happening, lots of little things made sense. For example, sometimes no one would arrive to collect her children after school. This was because he was supposed to be picking them up but was drunk. My friend would be at work.

The final straw was when he wet himself and her 10 year old daughter cleaned him up as he was so drunk.

So I agree with the above, that you never know what goes on behind closed doors.

BigThelma

Parents stay together for the sake of the children thinking it's better to retain some semblance of normality but by then its too late and everyone has a joyless, miserable existence. A lack of funds can limit people's choices about where they live and force people to stay in order to keep a roof over their head. People were amazed when my parents split after 30 years - I was glad - at last the pretence was over.

I do wish they were one of these couples who are happily married and enjoy each others company but they were vile to each other behind closed doors and it was an unhealthy, screwed up way to live. It was me who forced their hand in the end because I couldn't take it any more - I walked out and refused to come back and after that they finally did something about it. Dreadful experience that damaged me for years and I hope never to put my kids through anything like that.

vodkachick68

I think sometimes people just drift apart. I was with my ex-husband for 17 years and we had 2 lovely children. We had a good marriage for the first 10 years or so but the last five years I felt lonely,unloved and just knew I just didn't love him anymore. I dreaded him coming home from work,didn't want to sleep with him anymore and in the evenings we used to sit on separate sofas not talking and just watching tv. He basically bored me to death!! When we announced our split over a year ago alot of our friends were so shocked as we looked rock solid. Again no-one knows what goes on behind closed doors. I am now with someone else who is challenging and keeps me on my toes, but I absolutely love him to bits and he makes my tummy flip whenever I see him:D One thing tho is that I am never getting married again!!

sweetme

Because as we get older we all change. The person you met 10 years ago is usually a totally different person 10 years on. Life changes people. I'm sure it's already been said, I haven't read all of the thread, but having kids can be the glue that holds people together, but when the kids have moved out/grown up there's often not much left.

CuppaTea

katrina001 wrote: »

My ex and I were the couple no one thought would ever split up. Everyone was utterly shocked when I announced our split. People have no idea what goes on behind closed doors.

Snap, I even had comments like "I used to watch you two and wish my husband was more like yours". I find that sad, because we did have something good. I now find myself envying that person as she is still with her husband.

Another person said to me "I used to envy your relationship, I wish I had that in my life".

Now I find myself to be on the outside and no longer included.

[Deleted User]

sweetme wrote: »

Because as we get older we all change. The person you met 10 years ago is usually a totally different person 10 years on. Life changes people. I'm sure it's already been said, I haven't read all of the thread, but having kids can be the glue that holds people together, but when the kids have moved out/grown up there's often not much left.

That's true, my husband and I would have been celebrating 11 years together 6 married, instead its nearly a year since he left.

I'm finding this interesting reading, even if it is difficult. I never thought I would be in this position.