Neurolinguistic programming

fluffnutter

RAS wrote: »

CBT is slagged of by a lot of people as a short-term fix. Not sure what the long-term outcomes are?

It's enabled me to lead a drug-free, (mostly) anxiety-free life. I had it over fifteen years ago so I'm guessing that's fairly 'long-term'.

Do you know much about CBT?

fluffnutter

gwen80 wrote: »

Oh no, I'm sorry about your wrists. I hope you're healing well.

Some situations make things very difficult. I hope I've gotten better at recognising negative situations early and being more assertive, but there's always work to do. Having lived in a house that was in a complete state for far too long, I can sympathise. Your home should be your sanctuary.

I ordered two books and they arrived today - How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie and Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ by Daniel Goleman. I really need to get on with reading them. I'm very good at ordering them, not so good at reading them.

Gwenx

Friends can't be 'won'; it's not a competition. And 'influencing' people just sounds like getting them to do stuff against their better judgement. Why would you want to do that? Isn't that stuff all a bit 1980s?

You make friends by being pleasant, kind and friendly. There's no magic secret to it.

aridjis

fluffnutter wrote: »

Friends can't be 'won'; it's not a competition. And 'influencing' people just sounds like getting them to do stuff against their better judgement. Why would you want to do that? Isn't that stuff all a bit 1980s?

You make friends by being pleasant, kind and friendly. There's no magic secret to it.

That's true, yet there are horrible people who seem to have loads of friends around them, and nice people who don't have any!

fluffnutter

panagia wrote: »

That's true, yet there are horrible people who seem to have loads of friends around them

They're not friends.

Tropez

panagia wrote: »

That's true, yet there are horrible people who seem to have loads of friends around them, and nice people who don't have any!

I think the quality of friends are more important than the quantity.

I hardly have what one might term as a lot of friends, but I do have close ones and I know that my friends would do their best to help me out of any sticky situation I found myself in, as I would for them.

A single friend like that is worth more than any number of friends who wouldn't do the same.

VSynth

Derren Brown says NLP is nonsense, that's good enough for me!

gwen80

fluffnutter wrote: »

Friends can't be 'won'; it's not a competition. And 'influencing' people just sounds like getting them to do stuff against their better judgement. Why would you want to do that? Isn't that stuff all a bit 1980s?

You make friends by being pleasant, kind and friendly. There's no magic secret to it.

I hadn't really analysed the title that much, it seemed like a book that could help me based on the reviews on Amazon.

Don't get me wrong, I have friends and some lovely ones. I agree with other posters that quality is more important than quantity and I need to emphasise that I'm looking to be a better friend myself by improving myself. After all, you need to be a friend to have a friend.

I've recently left a job that I was in for a long time and taken some time out. Stepping off the hamster wheel for a couple of months has given me time to reflect over the last 10 years. It hasn't all been awful, but it could definitely have been better. I don't want to look back in 10 years time and still feel the same way. We're all different, some are happy with where they are and that's fine. For me, I want to make some changes and I see nothing wrong with that.

Influencing is a skill which is required in many fields including mine and if the book only helps me in a work context then it's been worthwhile. If you have a decent manager, they will be 'influencing' you. I'm sure you influence others. People persuade and negotiate with others all the time, whether they've read the book or not.

I agree that being pleasant, kind and friendly are important, but I think making friends is more complex. A person could be have all the qualities you describe and be a walkover that people abuse, or be boring etc. I think the formula is more complex.

Edited to add: Actually, there have been some very dark times over the last 10 years and many, many challenges. I've always strived for more, it's in my DNA I think - I really don't see anything wrong in that.

top_drawer_2

I read the How to Win friends and Influence People when I was at college and found it a waste of time ... very over-americanised! And obvious in many ways.

I struggle to make friends and have for years. I agree that making friends is a difficult thing, and much more than just being a nice person. What makes someone want to meet up with you outside the norm, such as work? Surely being exciting all the time isn't possible....

Have you considered attending a Counselling course? I completed a Level 2 CAPAC Counselling course about 12 years ago and although you are not there to be counselled too there is a massive amount of self reflection/personal development and examining the self involved. Plus you have the input of others on the course - how they find you etc. I also had to complete volunteer work which proved to more helpful than I would have believed initially.

I would very much like to do it again given the opportunity but I am time-constricted at the moment.

timbo58

I enjoyed Carnegies book: old and Amercianised but then that's obvious too: it was written in 1920s America after all!

Yes, it's common sense for most intelligent people, but I think it gives a perspective used widely in NLP and one I find useful (although still a struggle to do sometimes) 're framing'.

This isn't rocket science: it's about taking a step backwards from a situation and analysing why you think a certain way, 'stepping into someone else's shoes' , removing the emotional response you naturally get from heated situations and looking at problems from all angles.

If it then helps to turn that 'horrid nasty problem' that is loud and boldly coloured and 100 miles wide & long in your mind into a 'silent black and white polaroid picture' in your head, it's all constructive in confronting problems and dealing with them intelligently, rather than just reacting instinctively.

What is common sense to some is a new angle and approach to others.
If there was always a 'one size fits all' answer to everything in life the psychology and diet industry would be out of business overnight.

Jero_2

I disagree with the idea that NLP is for those not highly educated/qualified; they may not necessarily have a highly developed 'emotional quotient' or have much insight into themselves or others. I studied psychology, and during my counselling training, I found that NLP - in conjunction with other disciplines & models such as CBT & transactional analysis - was extremely useful in becoming more attuned to my own thoughts/beliefs/behaviour and thus began to develop a more useful way into empathising with others and making changes that were practical. Not only did this help me to 'upgrade' some of my unuseful or limiting beliefs, but also had an outward effect on those around me (especially family, which is often the most difficult place to apply it!), and of course, is effective with my clients. The practice is very subtle, but can have a very dramatic effect. It did help that my teacher was a fantastic mentor who was extremely astute, and also integrates a wide range of therapies with her clients/students. However, if you have an open attitude where (as with any form of therapy), that NLP won't be a quick fix, but rather, something you can take elements from to improve your life, it can be very useful.

Timbo58 is on the money. It's about re-framing and being aware of your internal state so you become more effective/efficient at dealing with problems in real-time.