When friends split up

stuckinthemiddle123

Old user, new username to protect identities.

Basically, a couple my wife & I know split up approx. 2 years ago. It was his choice to split up as from what I understand, he felt she was trying to force him into having kids when he didn't want any, where as she wanted kids and wasn't getting any younger. She has kids from previous relationships. They have since moved on (both now have new partners), with the lady now have a young daughter with her new fella, but the split was his choice, so they don't speak to each other.

Back in December we had our Christening, and I said we either invite both of them or neither - we don't want to be seen to take sides. So we invited both. towards the date of the christening, it became clear that she refused to come if he was there - she couldn't even be in the same room as him. As we invited him, she got annoyed with us, and refused to speak to us for several months.

We are now coming up to our daugthers first birthday and we have to decide who to invite to her party. Again, I said we invite both or neither - we can't take sides. My wife then says its a kids party, so we invite her aand if we invite both, she won't come. I accept that she will be more suited to come, so if we had to choose between both of them, then on this occasion, she would be better placed to come. However, I want to be fair to both of them, and don't want her or him to think that we are taking sides. I am annoyed as in my opinion, it is her that can't deal with her ex, so it is her that has the issue, not us. So I want to make it clear to her that it is her making us choose - we are not doing this off our own back and choosing sides. My wife disagrees with this, and wants to invite her, and for us just to explain to him the situation. That would be ok, but then she will be thinking we have chosen her over him - which I don't think is fair, and don't want her to think. The other thing is that it is a birthday party for a one year old, and the majority of people there will be adults with little kids, so it is more of a party with our friends to celebrate my daughters birthday - there will be several couples there without kids.

My wife is closer to her than him (and has known her longer), where as I have known them both the same amount of time. I think my wife is scared of losing her friendship by upsetting her. So in my mind, my wife will do anything to please her, even though it is her causing the issue.

What do you all think I should do? It is causing rifts between my wife and I to the extent that she has said that we may as well forget about her party as it is causing too many issues - but in my mind that will only delay us confronting this issue.

In a perfect world, they would both be coming, but it is clear that is not an option just due to this womens selfishness. So what do we do? Invite neither - in which case she will be annoyed (and my wife will never agree to it)? Invite both (In which case she will be annoyed and will refuse to come)? Invite just her (in which case she will feel as if we are taking sides and he will be annoyed)?

Grrr.

duchy

Invite both .............it's their decision if they accept or not.

Either way she's going to be annoyed....... Frankly she's not much of a friend if she keeps up putting you in difficult situations after two years when she's settled in a new relationship. It's her choice if she puts old resentments before sharing in her friend's celebrations. If she was still single and longing for a child and her ex had happily moved on it might be different- but as they've both moved on -it's a lot simpler.

You could roll over an give in to her demands .....and I can see that would be attractive - especially as her ex doesn't have interest in kids -so might be quite happy NOT to be invited. Have you discussed the situation with HIM at all ? He might be quite relieved not to feel he has to attend a party full of babies

My feeling would be no friend has the right to try and emotionally blackmail me and tell me who I can and can't invite to MY family celebrations though.

Mojisola

stuckinthemiddle123 wrote: »

My wife is closer to her than him (and has known her longer), where as I have known them both the same amount of time. I think my wife is scared of losing her friendship by upsetting her. So in my mind, my wife will do anything to please her, even though it is her causing the issue.

I think I would have a face-to-face with with the man involved and say that you want to keep things fair and not take sides but your wife is very keen to keep the woman as her friend and, if both of them are invited, his ex is going to refuse to come and your wife is getting upset.

It's likely that he is going to understand your position because he must see how his ex has been behaving.

It might be that, in the future, you socialise with him and your wife can meet up with her.

Considering that their splitting up meant that she could find a new partner and have another child, she is being very petty in keeping up her side of the feud. Perhaps your wife could suggest that she grows up and moves on? :rotfl:

MissKeith

Personally I would invite both of them. This woman sounds extremely petty to be quite honest, it seems your wife values their friendship more than she does and I'm surprised that she would consider cancelling your child's party because of her. It seems very over dramatic.

If your wife's friend actually gave a toss about your family she would have put her drama aside to attend the Christening. I think that showed where she stood quite clearly. She wants you to choose between them, don't give her the satisfaction.

stuckinthemiddle123

Mojisola wrote: »

I think I would have a face-to-face with with the man involved and say that you want to keep things fair and not take sides but your wife is very keen to keep the woman as her friend and, if both of them are invited, his ex is going to refuse to come and your wife is getting upset.

It's likely that he is going to understand your position because he must see how his ex has been behaving.

It might be that, in the future, you socialise with him and your wife can meet up with her.

Considering that their splitting up meant that she could find a new partner and have another child, she is being very petty in keeping up her side of the feud. Perhaps your wife could suggest that she grows up and moves on? :rotfl:

See this is what I originally thought, and I am sure he will be ok with it. But then I thought why should I be dictated over what to do by her? Which is why then I thought that we should invited both. But in doing that in effect we are inviting him and not her, as she won't come.

I did suggest to my wife to ask her if she will come if we invite him, and if she says no to tell her that in that case we won't invite him - that way she knows the only reason we are not inviting him is due to her, but my wife refuses as "I know that she will never come if he is invited, so there is no point in asking".

I think my wife is afraid of confrontation, and doesn't want to upset her, but I think that can't be avoided?

tayforth

Invite both of them. The wife is putting you in an unfair position, especially as she has moved on to a new relationship.

Enjoy your child's party.

BAGGY

If it's a kids party invite the person with the age appropriate kids. If it's an adults party invite both and tell her to grow a pair.

Mojisola

stuckinthemiddle123 wrote: »

See this is what I originally thought, and I am sure he will be ok with it. But then I thought why should I be dictated over what to do by her?

I think my wife is afraid of confrontation, and doesn't want to upset her, but I think that can't be avoided?

I would think about it as doing something for your wife, rather than being dictated to by the friend.

Pixiechic

I would invite both. There is no real need for you or your wife to take sides. I doubt that your male friend would come to a child's party with no child but its fair to invite.

If one or both don't want to come, fine. I wouldn't get involved in the politics. They need to work that out between themselves.

Have a good party!

Errata

Whatever you decide to do, you can be absolutely certain it will be wrong.

CH27

Invite both.

If you don't invite him she will think she has won & she has no right to dictate who you invite.