reigning my 3 year old in

seven-day-weekend

My son was a little so-and-so at that age, and to be quite honest I never did learn how to deal with it, he just grew out of it and turned into a delightful young man!

I think removing your son from the situation and telling him why biting is wrong is probably the best way to go.

MortgageMamma

Absolutebounder

When one of my kids do something wrong, and I blow my lid and shout at them - for example "why have you done that you NAUGHTY NASTY LITTLE BOY" and he screws his face up and starts getting stubborn and unco-operative....what SHOULD I be saying to him? would he have understood what I just said or should I word it differently?

Why is expressing my anger and upset such a bad thing?

Gingham_Ribbon

I hope you don't mind me answering this, simply from what I learnt through teacher training. There is a difference between telling a child that what they did was naughty and telling them that they are naughty and nasty. The first one teaches them that you don't like that particular behaviour. The second tells them you don't like them.

Letting them know you love them no matter what is, imo, the most important thing when disciplining. Discipline means 'to teach' and we are teaching them that they are loved and because we love them we give them boundaries to keep them and those around them safe and happy.

I hope that makes sense without sounding like a criticism.

Nicki

I THINK that MM was being deliberately sarcastic here in response to AB's extreme statements on appropriate parenting. What she is posted is out of character with her other posts on how she parents. May be wrong here though!

MortgageMamma

Nicki wrote: »

I THINK that MM was being deliberately sarcastic here in response to AB's extreme statements on appropriate parenting. What she is posted is out of character with her other posts on how she parents. May be wrong here though!

You are wrong I'm afraid. I hold my hands up I have spoken to him like that a couple of times and even though I have known it was wrong I couldnt help myself because I was so angry.

The problem is, even though I do not hit my kids and try to do the best for them I have a very short fuse, am not the most patient mother and can sometimes be dismissive especially if I have a lot on work wise. I am cringing as I am writing this as its not easy to admit you are wrong or doing things incorrectly. I am sure there are times when my kids are frightened or feel deflated and undervalued when I behave like this - I am not a natural kid wise and I struggle to emphathise with people sometimes - perhaps I am selfish who knows.

I was asking Absolutebounder for advice because although I don't always agree 100% or see eye to eye with him he is actually a distant friend of mine and he has (despite his sometimes thoughtless comments that even I react to) a great deal of experience and skill regarding the way the mind works. Particularly with kids. He has helped me before with something major like this before and I am sure he will know how I can correct my behaviour, lengthen my fuse and help me interact better with my kids, who like any mother I love a lot. At the end of the day its probably not my kids who are abnormally problematic, its me.

Nicki

Oops - that'll teach me to jump to conclusions! I read your earlier posts on this thread in a very different way.

You are the first few steps along the way to being the mother you want to be MM, so don't beat yourself up. You have already:

1. recognised that you sometimes behave in a way that you wish you didn't
2. recognised the triggers for this
3. put yourself in the place of your child and seen your behaviour from their perspective
4. formulated a desire to change
5. identified resources and a support structure which will help you to do so

So in fact you have taken many steps not few! This is a huge achievement and shows that you are not "abnormally problematic" just that you are a normal human being, with normal human weaknesses and strengths (one of which is clearly the ability to spot when something in your life is not working as you would like, and make a systematic plan to change it) I think you sound like you're doing a good job, and that you should not undervalue what you have achieved so far, and not beat yourself up about the past.

absolutebounder

MM thanks for the almost glowing reference Not sure that my comments are thoughtless as they are made to make others think and liven up a debate.
How to talk to kids
1) remember the 4 brain states beta alpha theta and delta. You child spends most of its time in the alpha state while most of yours is in Beta. This is the reason kids have such vivid imagination but in this state they are probably 100 X more suggestible than you are. use to your advantage.
2) Find your childs natural dominant communication reference ie does he picture things in his own mind. Does he work mainly is sound or does he huse touch as his main learning. This is as important to you as parent as it is to a top salesman. Change your language to suit ie for pictures " can you see what you did wrong" "I dont like the look of that!" etc
3) Try not to use why as child will often struggle with this word as it involves critical reasoning which young children find hard or impossible to do.
4) Dont get angry and shout as it shows that shouting is a way of arguing and this will tell kid its oK to get angry and shout
5) Lower your tone and speak more softly, This works a treat with adults as well
6) Refer whatever he has done wrong back to him ie how would he like to be bitten. examples for different modalities Pictures: how would you see how much those bitemarks would hurt if they were on you? Sounds Can you imagine how much you would cry if you were bitten. Touch. How would you feel if you were bitten like that. Very basic and Im sure given time people can think up much better
7) Tell simple stories to them about what they have done wrong starting with something like I know another little boy that did that and then change the reference to "you" so that your child thinks he is the subject of the story.
8) Children hate to have love removed from them and parents pretend not to like kids to punnish them. This is very bad as GR says show love at all times but when a child does well or behave praise him and do something special eg make his favourite food for tea. and when he is not doing so well just dont go that extra mile but never never use bribery to stop bad behaviour

Gingham_Ribbon

MortgageMamma wrote: »

The problem is, even though I do not hit my kids and try to do the best for them I have a very short fuse, am not the most patient mother and can sometimes be dismissive especially if I have a lot on work wise. I am cringing as I am writing this as its not easy to admit you are wrong or doing things incorrectly. I am sure there are times when my kids are frightened or feel deflated and undervalued when I behave like this - I am not a natural kid wise and I struggle to emphathise with people sometimes - perhaps I am selfish who knows.

This post made me ache. We ALL do things we probably shouldn't. Every parent makes mistakes and those who say they didn't are either lying or very forgetful. But that doesn't stop people pouncing on us when we say we are struggling with something, have made a mistake or our children are acting up.

MortgageMamma

absolutebounder wrote: »

MM thanks for the almost glowing reference Not sure that my comments are thoughtless as they are made to make others think and liven up a debate.
How to talk to kids
1) remember the 4 brain states beta alpha theta and delta. You child spends most of its time in the alpha state while most of yours is in Beta. This is the reason kids have such vivid imagination but in this state they are probably 100 X more suggestible than you are. use to your advantage.
2) Find your childs natural dominant communication reference ie does he picture things in his own mind. Does he work mainly is sound or does he huse touch as his main learning. This is as important to you as parent as it is to a top salesman. Change your language to suit ie for pictures " can you see what you did wrong" "I dont like the look of that!" etc
3) Try not to use why as child will often struggle with this word as it involves critical reasoning which young children find hard or impossible to do.
4) Dont get angry and shout as it shows that shouting is a way of arguing and this will tell kid its oK to get angry and shout
5) Lower your tone and speak more softly, This works a treat with adults as well
6) Refer whatever he has done wrong back to him ie how would he like to be bitten. examples for different modalities Pictures: how would you see how much those bitemarks would hurt if they were on you? Sounds Can you imagine how much you would cry if you were bitten. Touch. How would you feel if you were bitten like that. Very basic and Im sure given time people can think up much better
7) Tell simple stories to them about what they have done wrong starting with something like I know another little boy that did that and then change the reference to "you" so that your child thinks he is the subject of the story.
8) Children hate to have love removed from them and parents pretend not to like kids to punnish them. This is very bad as GR says show love at all times but when a child does well or behave praise him and do something special eg make his favourite food for tea. and when he is not doing so well just dont go that extra mile but never never use bribery to stop bad behaviour

Thanks bounder, I will definitely try some of this stuff over the coming week - I think I will cut my workload too, its not fair on my kids to see me stressed out and crabby all the time. I might take your advice about not shouting at adults too

See girls, I told you he was good didnt I?:cool:

Carmina_Piranha_3

ab - i shouldn't have implied that female children have better communication skills anyhow, there's always somebody ready to pounce!

MM that was a brave post :T none of us are perfect parents. i clash terribly with my ten year old at certain times of the month and i know it's my fault for reacting the wrong way