reigning my 3 year old in

absolutebounder

MortgageMamma wrote: »

How would you know your only child is in her late teens. You say some stupid things sometimes.:mad:

She was 3 once and they dont get easier to control only harder

Raksha

Is it possible your little one is getting frustrated at nursery by the mixed messages? What's the adult/child ratio like? Are the adults actually 'hands on; with the children, or are they just observing and interupting when things get out of hand? Maybe your little one is learning being physical gets the attention of the grown ups?

MortgageMamma

absolutebounder wrote: »

She was 3 once and they dont get easier to control only harder

If you try to CONTROL anyone they will pull in the opposite direction its human nature. If you controlled your children 100% it would be tantamount to brainwashing would it not? I believe in encouraging individuality and freedom of expression and choice. Its only the behaviour that is upsetting to others I would like to change in my son.

lisawal1971

Hi

hope the morning sickness ends soon!

My son was exactly the same, he was three when I was expecting and started becoming more aggressive. I was assured by the health visitor that it was normal 3yr old stuff! Also, one point that was mentioned to me is that jealousy was paying a part, my three year old was trying to assert his position and importance knowing that baby was on the way. It lasted a few weeks and he was fine, honestly , he got worse just as the baby was born but soon realised that he was still important and cooled off.

Diverting his energy elsewhere as mentioned in a previous post is a great idea but hey, if you need to rest from morning sickness then rest, he will be fine and you sound like you are doing everything right.

Lisa

ooobedoo

absolutebounder wrote: »

If you cant control them at 3 what hope do you have when they get older?

TRRRRROLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

Gingham_Ribbon

absolutebounder wrote: »

She was 3 once and they dont get easier to control only harder

It's not about 'control'. It's about helping them learn to deal with their emotions and behave in a responsible way. 3 year olds don't come with an understanding of how other people feel and hitting or biting is very normal behaviour for a toddler, although they MUST be stopped from doing it for obvious reasons.

I posted on a thread yesterday about this (was it yours, mortgagemamma?) about using a reward system, which seems to work very well. But I forgot to mention that it's important to give them an acceptable way to express their feelings. My toddler is learning to stamp his feet, shout 'I feel angry', bang his hands down on the sofa/bed, take a big deep breath and blow out hard, waggle his arms etc etc. Anything that helps him get rid of frustration or anger in an acceptable way. I think it's harmful to suppress it or have to pretend he doesn't feel these things. But he needs to know that he can't do things that might hurt someone. He enjoys doing these things and he laughs and the moment passes. But every child is different and deals with their emotions in different ways so I'd try lots of different things to see what works.

Our lad seems to be dealing with worries about me going back into hospital, or the baby being taken away. Something that seems to be making him feel more secure is taking about how he feels and he's learning to open up a bit. Some books have helped. I'll find links.

Gingham_Ribbon

Okay, I cannot stress how fantastic this book has been. How do you feel, Thomas? It has the trains in different situations and with various expressions on their faces and just one word to demonstrate the feeling that they have to find by pulling a tab or turning a wheel etc. We look at the pictures, talk about how the engine is feeling and why then tell each other stories about times we felt like that. He's opening up in a way he never has before. It's recommended by the national autistic society too. Here's why. I think this is relevent to other children, not just those with aspergers or autism.

These books were recommended by my doctor when I told him I was worried about my son being so upset about my (previously frequent) trips to hospital and my inability to walk for a while etc. I feel sad. I feel angry. (There are a few in this series. These are the 2 we have.

I hope this helps.

absolutebounder

Gingham_Ribbon wrote: »

It's not about 'control'. It's about helping them learn to deal with their emotions and behave in a responsible way. 3 year olds don't come with an understanding of how other people feel and hitting or biting is very normal behaviour for a toddler, although they MUST be stopped from doing it for obvious reasons.

Ok control was bit of a strong word but all children learn from others good and bad. The main teachers at early age are parents and possibly nursery schools, TV etc. Their language skills are also very pure and they will act on exactly what you say. If a parent or any other "Teacher" is sending mixed messages you have problems. How many times have I heard a well meaning parent tell a child that if they stop misbehaving they will get a sweet? Sounds innocent enough but what has happened is that the child learns if he mis behaves he gets a sweet
Rewards are great but just make sure the message is correct. And sorry to have to say it but bad behaviour in very young children is often to do with parents as they are the only places the child learns from

Counting_Pennies_2

absolutebounder wrote: »

Ok control was bit of a strong word but all children learn from others good and bad.

Absolutebounder, it is good to finally have some points put down instead of the odd flying insult.

If I intended on being a bad parent I would just reward him when he does anything untoward. As you will tell from my original post I am looking to nip a behaviour in the bud just as it is starting.

It is all very well to have rosy hindsight and think your child never did anything wrong over a decade ago, but we all know every child has their moments as they find their way in the world. I am sure if you take your rose tinted glasses off you will admit to yourself that there were times when you wondered how best to do something as a parent.

These forums are great for just that, and that is the reason for me posting.
To be honest your blunt remarks haven't been constructive in the slightest, and the reason for me writing this is to say I do not intend to listen to any other point you raise on this thread as I don't believe you are being very helpful and I would thank you not to reply any further to this thread. I asked for comments from parents who have children of a similar age now as I hoped to get some constructive points back.

I have had some fantastic responses, thank you to all of you who have been very helpful.

Gingham_Ribbon

absolutebounder wrote: »

Ok control was bit of a strong word but all children learn from others good and bad...And sorry to have to say it but bad behaviour in very young children is often to do with parents as they are the only places the child learns from

Yes, children do learn from others. But you have to remember that they are children and they are learning. They have to learn social skills and what is and isn't acceptable behaviour. And if all you do is 'control' them by stopping them doing things you don't like, you'll find it harder as they get older as you said yourself that you are finding. Better to reward good behaviour and firmly but kindly stop behaviour that isn't what you want. And remember that they don't understand WHY it's not acceptable behaviour. ALL children do things we don't want them to. A good parent deals with that, a superhero prevents it altogether. I don't think we have many of those about.

Rewarding good behaviour isn't about telling children if they stop behaving badly they'll get a sweet. I agree that this is not an effective strategy. Personally, I don't believe hitting or biting a child is a good strategy either, although I know that some people say it was effective on them or their children. I'd rather teach my son to deal with his emotions and behaviour in a way that will help him for the rest of his life. I think a smart parent looks long term, not just at ways of firefighting.

And just to clarify, sadly there are always going to be children who lash out because they see violent behaviour at home. But don't assume that children who hit/bite/snatch etc are treated badly or come from abusive homes, or are not 'controlled' by their parents. Chances are their parents are as shocked and confused by the behaviour as anyone else is. My friend is the kindest, warmest person you could meet and her daughter is simply delightful. But she told me that her nursery teacher informed her that she'd been biting on occasion. That child is not 'bad'. She just needs to learn that that's not how to deal with someone snatching a toy from her. Why should she know that already? She's only 2. We don't criticise children or their parents because they can't read yet, or ride a bike, or make their own beds. They have to learn to do those things. In the same way, they have to learn how to behave sociably. And support for parents asking how to deal with it is surely better than criticism.