reigning my 3 year old in

Gingham_Ribbon

Counting pennies, have you talked to him about why you are sick? We had to tell my son much earlier than I would have liked because I was so ill when I was pregnant. Maybe he's worried or frightened seeing you being sick a lot?

absolutebounder

Gingham_Ribbon wrote: »

Yes, children do learn from others. But you have to remember that they are children and they are learning. They have to learn social skills and what is and isn't acceptable behaviour. And if all you do is 'control' them by stopping them doing things you don't like, you'll find it harder as they get older as you said yourself that you are finding. Better to reward good behaviour and firmly but kindly stop behaviour that isn't what you want. And remember that they don't understand WHY it's not acceptable behaviour. ALL children do things we don't want them to. A good parent deals with that, a superhero prevents it altogether. I don't think we have many of those about.

Very true but you do have to remember children interpret things differently in that they see words as they are. When we do therapy we speak to the subconcious mind as if it was a child. It is a bit like writing on here. People only interpret the words not the tonality and body language. This makes it easy for someone to give the wrong signals even though they try hard to give the right ones.

Rewarding good behaviour isn't about telling children if they stop behaving badly they'll get a sweet. I agree that this is not an effective strategy.

Agree totally but if I had a pound for every time I have seen this I wouldnt need a mortgage for my new villa


Personally, I don't believe hitting or biting a child is a good strategy either, although I know that some people say it was effective on them or their children. I'd rather teach my son to deal with his emotions and behaviour in a way that will help him for the rest of his life. I think a smart parent looks long term, not just at ways of firefighting.

Yes agree

And just to clarify, sadly there are always going to be children who lash out because they see violent behaviour at home. But don't assume that children who hit/bite/snatch etc are treated badly or come from abusive homes, or are not 'controlled' by their parents. Chances are their parents are as shocked and confused by the behaviour as anyone else is.

Violence is all around so is it surprising a child picks it up. It is then difficult for parents but not impossible.


My friend is the kindest, warmest person you could meet and her daughter is simply delightful. But she told me that her nursery teacher informed her that she'd been biting on occasion. That child is not 'bad'. She just needs to learn that that's not how to deal with someone snatching a toy from her. Why should she know that already? She's only 2.

This is the point, Many parents dont even start to scxratch the surface of understanding how to move a child away from violence just by talking to them

We don't criticise children or their parents because they can't read yet, or ride a bike, or make their own beds. They have to learn to do those things. In the same way, they have to learn how to behave sociably. And support for parents asking how to deal with it is surely better than criticism.

I think one has to make people think and come to their own conclusion. It is too easy to say there should be help all the time. there is far more help these days than was available to our parents but we are in danger of selling out to nanny state.

Gingham_Ribbon

Parents have ALWAYS had help, in every culture. There's nothing 'nanny' about it. When people ask for help it is because they recognise that something is difficult for them. There is not a single person who doesn't need help sometimes. I'd rather parents asked for help than tried to deal with things on their own. Who does that benefit?

I'm not sure what you mean by your comment about giving the wrong signals, nor the one about moving children away from violence just by talking to them. No-one is suggesting just talking. Children can't reason like adults do. But it IS important to listen to them.

But this is all for Discussion Time really and isn't helping the OP.

dee_mum_of_3

I am a nursery nurse(NNEB) and your 3 yr old is absolutely normal its a tricky age and hes between being a baby/toddler and being at school-at thatis age they cant see they are heavily pushing or hurting unless its done with definite malice and its all learning,this is how children learn to socialise by doing and seeing unacceptable behaviour,you can guide him to being gentle but you cannot punish him for being an inquisitive child-the preschool should be guiding and influencing kindness and gentleness within their group the books mentioned are fab i agree but i think in a few months he will be more aware and this is just a phase.

Nicki

The I feel sad, I feel angry, etc books are great. They explain to the child both what it feels like when you start to feel these things, but also what to do to make yourself feel better, therefore hopefully nipping things in the bud.i would also recommend a series with titles such as "teeth are not for biting","feet are not for kicking" etc. Both series are available for very little money on Amazon or you might be able to persuade nursery to invest on your behalf and put them into circulation when you're finished. I'd also recommend that you buy some nice books (or make your own) about becoming a big brother as he may be feeling insecure about this.

TV may be an issue if he is watching inappropriate material. I had to think twice about letting my son watch Dr Who when he was 6, so no way would I have let him watch at 2 and a half (I know this isn't the OP who does this). At 3 though my son was only on Thomas the Tank engine and C Beebies and I did find as he got older and started watching things like the Incredibles and the Batman cartoons that he became a bit more boisterous. The lucky thing is that with a bit of initial effort habits are broken really easily at this stage. You just need to find something really motivating to do at the time when he usually switches on, and in a week or so he'll have forgotten about the TV and want to do the new activity instead.

Finally, all of the posters who have said that this behaviour is normal at this age are dead right. its not a sign that your son is unduly aggressive or that you have done anything wrong, just another one of those little challenges that you need to learn how to deal with.

Carmina_Piranha_3

my son went a bit boisterous when he started nursery, i wasn't pregnant and there were no family problems - it was just a phase he went through while working out how to fit in with a bunch of other 3 year olds and how to get what he wanted. if being aggressive at preschool is what gets results in terms of getting your favourite toy then that's what children will be learning - i wonder how well supervised the children are at preschool?

more for gingham i suppose, but i wondered if when your lad is angry but has been taught not to scream at you or hit out he might want to use sign language for angry instead? i've seen some of the toddlers at baby sign classes doing the angry sign, but they are younger than your boy. mine doesn't do it yet, he screams (but he's only 1) but his communication skills aren't as sophisticated as some of the other children - they are mostly female.

TV is a difficult one - i think what they watch makes a HUGE difference to the effect it has. cbeebies isn't violent or frantic but cartoons meant for older children, and channels that have ads seem to affect children's brains :rolleyes: i realise i'll get flamed for this but at the age of 3 i don't think a couple of hours TV per day will cause a child to be violent. it's a long time to be watching if it's all in one go without a break though.

Counting_Pennies_2

Nicki wrote: »

TV may be an issue if he is watching inappropriate material. I had to think twice about letting my son watch Dr Who when he was 6, so no way would I have let him watch at 2 and a half (I know this isn't the OP who does this). At 3 though my son was only on Thomas the Tank engine and C Beebies

Hi, thanks for the helpful suggestions.

Rest assured it is just cbeebies he watches, I am very determined not to divert to any other channel, as I too have concerns about material on tv, to the extent when I think cbeebies have overstepped the mark and put on material that is inappropriate I always contact them.

It is in bursts at waking up time, and later on in the day when I can no longer gather energy to get through the last hour of the day.

absolutebounder

Gingham_Ribbon wrote: »

I'm not sure what you mean by your comment about giving the wrong signals, nor the one about moving children away from violence just by talking to them. No-one is suggesting just talking. Children can't reason like adults do. But it IS important to listen to them.

But this is all for Discussion Time really and isn't helping the OP.

Firstly I think the discussion is good here as the OP can see differing views and pull what she considders good points and ideas from the various post's

As regards wrong signals. I gave one example about how easy it is to accidentally reward bad behaviour but throughout this thread there are adults communicating in the way that adults have learnt to. However 1) children communicate differently and 2) words only make up a small part of communication

Mixed signals. Any sentence with ambiguity is likely to get taken the wrong way I will give an example taken from this thread
"but his communication skills aren't as sophisticated as some of the other children - they are mostly female."
I know what the poster was saying as well as you do but to a child you could be saying his communication skills are mostly female in nature.
as you rightly said a young child cannot reason why something is wrong in the way that an adult does so when ambiguity is about children can easily take on the wrong meaning. In adults ambiguity is used a lot in our everyday lives by advertising, sales and entertainers like Derren Brown but its dodgy to use it with young children.
Children can be moved away from violence in many cases by talking and forms of rewards. Hitting a child is just reinforcing violence. You can reason with children but you have to be patient and slow. Get rid of the word why as its confrontational and use how instead as this is more likely to get the child talking. Also talk to the child in his base language ie is he picture orientated or sound or touch. Do you know how to tell? If you do your sucess will be higher.

Gingham_Ribbon

Counting Pennies, it was when I was pregnant that my lad started watching a lot of tv. There is only so much you can do when you're being sick all the time. It won't last for ever and 3 months after the birth he's back to only watching it now and again. (It was only Cbeebies with us too.) And cut yourself a bit of slack. It sounds like you're doing a great job with a lively, perfectly normal toddler!

Nicki

Counting_Pennies wrote: »

Hi, thanks for the helpful suggestions.

Rest assured it is just cbeebies he watches, I am very determined not to divert to any other channel, as I too have concerns about material on tv, to the extent when I think cbeebies have overstepped the mark and put on material that is inappropriate I always contact them.

It is in bursts at waking up time, and later on in the day when I can no longer gather energy to get through the last hour of the day.

I'd be surprised then if TV is a factor at all. I only mentioned it because you did as an area of concern in your first post. Appropriate TV in moderation is a life saver to many parents, especially those with health issues, but tends to attract the same kind of reaction as turkey twizzlers, coke in a baby's bottle and crack cocaine for toddlers from a certain part of the population

I hope you didn't think I was assuming you did let your child watch adult stuff. I only mentioed the appropriateness angle at all as it was raised by a later poster who mentioned her toddler had become more aggressive after watching Dr Who, which I do personally think is OTT for a 2 year old.

I agree btw with all the other posters who have said you sound like you are doing a great job. Motherhood is the hardest job in the world and the one which is most criticised, but you sound like you are doing a fab job under temporarily tough circumstances. Hope the morning sickness lifts soon and the rest of the pregnancy is plain sailing.